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Jesus Christ, what now?

Oh. Cool. You kidnapped me. Fun.

Yeah, no…it’s…why not? Right? The world is ending. There’s a global pandemic going on. One week of lockdown turned into months and months and no end in sight. People are marching in the streets. Australia’s burning down. There are firenadoes in California, which sounds like a low-budget horror movie. NASA thinks we’re all gonna get hit by an asteroid, which would probably be for the best. Murder hornets in Washington. What’s one more thing?

[Pause]

Wait, before you go on, have you been quarantining? Like, have you been seeing people?

[Pause]

Me. Through the window. Yeah, that doesn’t count. I’m talking friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers.

[Short Pause]

You don’t have any of those.

Okay, cool, unless you’ve been going to concerts or bars or protests, or…outside at all?

[Pause]

Great. Right, yeah, you were saying something. Go on, then.

[Pause]

Let me get this straight. What you’re looking for is for me to stay in the house all the time and not do anything. Okay, so exactly like the last seven months, but this time I have a significant other and I’m not struggling to pay rent.

[Pause]

I mean, I’m not thrilled about it, but I’m not really feeling all that thrilled about anything lately. It’s been…it’s been a fucking year, man.

God, this is so weird.

[Pause]

No, not you kidnapping me. Somehow that kind of makes sense after somebody open Pandora’s box in January. I mean you, being here. Like three feet in front of me.

I haven’t actually had a face-to-face conversation with someone in a very long time. I was awkward in high school, and I kind of feel like, in college, I figured out how to pretend to be a real person. Ever since quarantine, I’ve completely regressed.

The last time I saw another human being was last week at the grocery store. We all avoided eye contact. And then I held my breath for like two minutes because I got stuck behind an old lady, and I didn’t want to accidentally murder her by…breathing.

[Pause]

Oh, you’ve legitimately killed people. Huh. Yeah, no, that should bother me. And it does, if I think about it, but not really. I am so tired. I just do not have energy to…sorry, you were probably expecting a little more from me.

[Pause]

No, this is…this is good for you? Well, great, I mean, if I ever start to feel like a human again, that could be a problem. But we’re basically hurtling toward destruction, so who the hell knows if that’ll ever happen.

It’s just…I’m sorry, I just cannot get over the fact that you’re standing there and you’re talking to me, and you’re not pixelated or garbled or freezing for 10 seconds. You’re actually here. In 3D. I could touch you.

…Can I?

[Pause]

Touch you. I don’t remember the last time I actually touched another person. I did an elbow high five like four months ago, and it might actually be my lowest moment. Sometimes I try to hug myself. That’s…that’s probably not much better, actually. Maybe worse.

Do you want to hug or cuddle or something? You did just say we’re married, so I figure you’d probably be down for it.

[Pause]

Wow, you just got those ropes off really, [relaxing] really fast. [Sigh] This is like drugs. This is some good old-fashioned homebrew serotonin or...or dopamine? Not important. It’s nice. You’re nice. I mean, not really. You’re probably a bad person. But you’re so warm, so…real. Quarantining with you seems alright, I guess.

Just keep holding me, okay?