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In-Dependence

Konichiwa, Colony-Chan! I hope this letter finds you well! I miss you quite a bit, what with the annoyingly large trip for us to visit each other, but that is not the purpose of this letter.

***

I am writing to inform you of a slight change in our relationship. As you may be aware, I have been quite lax when concerning your international trade. And let’s not kid ourselves, you’ve been taking full advantage of that fact. I understand you may have become accustomed to the amount of beneficial neglect I have been exercising, but nevertheless, it has to come to a stop.

***

I’m sure you understand, that as your Patron, Motherland, and Best Friend, I must insist that you respond to this with nothing but obedience and reverence. I promise the changes will not be unmanageable. After all, I do want to see you succeed! I must simply enforce the same taxation processes that I levy onto my other colonies. We wouldn’t want them thinking I play favorites, now would we?

***

But in all honesty, and don’t tell India-chan that I said this but, you are my favorite little plaything. So, I’ll try my best to utilize the stronger tax flow to keep order across the ocean, just for you! Expect a larger standing militia in the near future, as I’m sure you’ve come to enjoy.

***

I can’t wait to hear your, undoubtedly limitless praise, wish you were here, hugs and kisses, XOXO, Britain-Sama.

*******

Moshi Moshi, Colony-San! I was positively delighted to receive your letter, and I am so glad you agree to my terms!

***

By the time you read this response, I’m sure my troops will have made it safely across the Atlantic. Are they treating you well? I know how much you enjoy a firm hand, but don’t forget your safeword is, “Brigantine” if things are getting too rough!

***

You’ve been so good for me as of late, Colony-Chan! I’m so glad you remember your place in this relationship, especially as I am about to ask a little more of you.

***

There is a little, tiny, minuscule, so small you’d probably never notice it, bit of civil unrest here in Europe. France-Kun and I have gotten into a bit of a tussle, and as such, I am calling on all of my colonies to aid me.

***

If my brave little Colony-Chan thinks they can handle it, then I would love to get a little more from you on the tariff side of things.

***

Just a few domestic imports, and maybe a couple of taxations of tea shipments. Nothing extreme. I’m sure my favorite subby colony will be more than happy to give a little extra love to their affectionate, benevolent empire, won’t you?

***

I can even sweeten the pot for you. I promised your sister colony in Hudson’s Bay all of so-called, “New France” if they help me win this poor excuse for a war. If you pitch in, maybe cut trade with France-Kun, or even better, send a few thousand troops my way, then I would be happy to negotiate for your assimilation of all of Louisiana!

***

Imagine it! Almost double the landmass for you to serve me with! Wouldn’t it be wonderful?

***

I’m sure you’re absolutely frothing at the mouth to help me in my time of minor need. So, I eagerly await your response, and the ample supplies I’m sure you’ll send.

***

Hugs and kisses, wishing you the best, I love you so much, cheerfully yours, Britain-Sama.

*******

Colony-Chan? I think you may have missed my last letter. I’m quite sure it made it across the pond, but maybe it was pillaged by Spain-Shi’s stupid pirate ships, so just in case, I’ll state my concern.

***

I noticed that, despite my earnest indictment, you haven’t sent any aid. In fact, my harbor managers report you’ve been dragging your feet with the basic taxation systems.

***

Is something wrong? Are you feeling well? I’ve never known you to be bratty like this, and it is worrying me.

***

If you aren’t ready to fight a real war, then I understand. I shouldn’t have asked that of my darling, baby, Colony-Chan. Your big, strong Britain-Sama Empire, has more than enough naval strength to handle this alone.

***

That being said, while you don’t need to send troops, keeping up with my tariffs is not up for negotiation. And in light of recent military… half-victories… I will be extending the tariffs to some other luxury items. Namely; all teas foreign and domestic, sugar and sugar cane, tobacco, and molasses.

***

I’m sure you understand that this tariff system is normal, and can even be fun between us! I know you like it when I’m a little more assertive, and we both know you can afford to pay up just a bit, considering you haven’t cut ties with France-Kun or his allies.

***

I don’t mean to sound bitter but, what’s up with that, Colony-Chan? I understand being eager to grow, and I do want to see you become a fully functioning city-state, but this is bordering on the direct support of France-Kun!

***

I’m sure you were just being a little silly, and didn’t understand why I may get the wrong idea, so I’ll let it slide, just this once.

***

I can’t wait to hear from you, love you five million, your stalwart provider, Britain-Sama.

*long pause*

Konbanwa, Colony-Chan. I’ve found myself in quite the interesting situation. As you are no doubt aware, you have not been very good, as of late.

***

You have been generally subverting our relationship across the Atlantic. And it is not making me happy. In fact, I am downright peeved that you would dare to do this!

***

I am in a very serious, very mature, empire war. I know you wouldn’t understand what that entails, but I must insist you simply trust me.

***

You need to put this petty squabble down, before you make me mad, Colony-Chan. I can afford to stop France-Kun, and punish you at the same time. Don’t test me.

***

In an effort to quell disobedience, the following acts will be enforced upon you, effective immediately.

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International shipping to anyone that is not me, or one of my allies, is hereby banned until further notice.

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Dissent against the crown, parliament, or any other aspects of myself, is hereby banned until further notice.

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Any French sympathizers will be tried as traitors to the crown, in an English court.

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Anyone caught resisting a British officer will be tried as traitors to the crown, in an English court.

***

I am not playing around any longer Colony-Chan. If you wish to get back on my good graces, you will fulfill these edicts, you will pay your tariffs, and you will deeply consider sending additional aid. Until then, you are squarely in the doghouse.

***

Not angry, just disappointed, still loving you, just not showing it, one air kiss to make it better, Britain-Sama.

*long pause*

This is an outrage, Colony-San!

***

In the middle of the war effort, you have the audacity to attempt to claim independence?!

***

I have been so, incredibly patient with you, and you have done nothing but betray me!

***

I am your everything, Colony-San! I made you, I loved you, and I supported you. If you think this is a fair way to repay everything I’ve done for you, then you are sorely mistaken.

***

I am sending a force of almost ten-thousand soldiers to put a stop to this insurrection. Until you are brought to heel, I will not be sending any more letters, and I will not be reading any pleas less than a formal declaration of surrender!

***

When this is done, we are going to have a long, hard discussion about obedience, and your place in my empire. It will not be pleasant, but evidently, it is necessary!

***

Not sent with love, I’m very cross with you, I hope you surrender immediately, your new adversary, the illustrious Britain-Sama.

***

And you can forget about Louisiana!

*long pause*

Under much annoyance, I am breaking my initial claim, and sending you this letter.

***

We have been fighting for some time now, and I will admit, this isn’t as one-sided as I initially planned.

***

That being said, I think you’ll agree I’ve made some major victories in this little scuffle.

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I only made this effort because I love you, Colony-San. Because I wanted you to stay with me. Because I wanted us to rule, together.

***

But now I see, you never shared my goals. You were never going to be my perfect little colony.

***

You made your point, Colony-San. Or, I suppose it’s United-States-San now, isn’t it?

***

As much as I would love a little revenge, I am quite preoccupied with the France-Kun situation.

***

You can have your independence. Feel free. See how long you last without me to keep you safe from all the bigger nations.

***

But I warn you now, when Spain-Shi and Netherlands-Kun have you carved up. When they aren’t nearly as kind or accepting as me. When you come crawling back, begging to rejoin Britain-Sama’s perfect empire. You won’t get any sympathy from me.

***

Your new rival, although rival is a total overstatement, you’re barely even a country, so mad, zero hugs, zero kisses, but if you apologized, maybe I’d forgive you, Britain-Sama.

***

P.S. I know I just wrote all that, but if you wanted to re-open trade routes, maybe get a little friends-with-benefits thing going, potentially let it turn into something more… I wouldn’t stop you…

*******

United-States-San! Long time no write! How have you been?

***

I finished my war with France-Kun, and I’m writing to assure you that there are no hard feelings! Even though I could totally send my navy to break you now that I’m not distracted, I am choosing not to!

***

I won’t lie, it’s been lonely without you, U.S.-San! None of the other colonies are anywhere near as fun as you were!

***

I hear you’ve been growing as a nation. I’m pleased to know you’re thriving over there, and the thought brought an idea to my mind.

***

We should work together! We were an amazing team back in the day, and I’m sure you and I could help each other in lots of ways if we just put that little independence problem aside.

***

I want you to visit. There’ll be tea, and polo, and we can talk about whatever you want. Maybe even make our way to my bedroom and… reminisce on old times? Please?

***

I miss you a lot, Colony-Chan. And I’d want nothing more than to be with you again. No matter what it takes.

***

So, consider that an open invitation, can’t wait to see you, promise to only call you Colony-Chan in private, love you, want you to love me, miss you, can’t stand it, please hurry up and visit, yours forever, Britain-Sama.