Summary: You’re heading home after your first day in your new tutoring job. As you start to cross the bridge over the Lonely Gulch, you’re startled by a booming voice. Turns out there’s a troll who lives under the bridge, and he demands payment.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Time for another wholesome script series! The Listener actually doesn’t get kidnapped in this one, at least not yet. Whaaat!? Who are you, and what have you done with the REAL Savvy? ;)

Usage:

• OK to record & monetize, as long as you give me credit in the video/audio description as the scriptwriter! I would also love to listen to the recording when it’s done–please send me the link on Reddit! Paywalling is okay; however, if you paywall, you must make it possible for me to listen to the finished product.
• Gender-flipping and small tweaks are okay (e.g., changing pronouns, leaving out/changing curse words), but no large edits are permitted.
• Feel free to use music or insert sound effects if you’d like. Any sound effects given are suggestions–use at your discretion. *Sound effects in bold, set apart by asterisks\*
• Any dialogue or reactions given by the Listener are purely for the benefit of the VA, to help them feel like they have something to respond to while they’re acting. Listener reactions in italics.
• Please let me know if you have any questions!

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(deep, booming) Who goes there!?...

The Listener freezes, looking around. “Who’s there?”

I asked first. Who dares to cross MY bridge?

The Listener gives their name.

Hmm…that’s a new one. You’re not one of my regular customers. How about that—looks like I’ve got some fresh meat! You’re not from around here, are you?

“Wait—how did you know!?”

How did I know? \chuckle** Oh, please. Everyone who lives here in the Fair Forest knows to stay away from the Lonely Gulch. After all…there’s a terrible beast that lives beneath the bridge. A creature so hideous, so loathsome, so downright terrifying, that they hardly even dare to speak its name.

“I’m guessing that’s you?”

That’s right—it’s me they’re talking about. I’m the brute who guards these planks. I’m the one who—

“What’s your name?”

Huh? My name? Are you sure you want to know? The sound of my name has been known to drive people mad.

“I think I’ll risk it.”

Alright, then. Brace yourself. I am Kurz, Troll of the Lonely Gulch! All who want to cross my bridge must pay the toll. No one, be they human or centaur or fairy, can pass without first paying tribute. And believe me, it’s not cheap.

“How much?”

Five crowns per way. And that’s already a discount, so no haggling, understand?

“Fine. How should I pay you?”

Good. Just throw the money into the gulch.

“Huh? You’re not going to come up and take it from me?”

\chuckle** Trust me, you don’t want me to come up there. The sight of my hideous face has been known to make people perish on the spot. Besides, you’d probably erupt in festering boils if you tried to hand me the money in-person. Just toss the coins over the side, and you can be on your way.

\Sound effect—footsteps\**

Wha—? Hey! Wait a minute! You can’t just keep walking!

“Oh, really? Who’s going to stop me?”

What do you mean, who’s going to stop you? I will!

“How? I don’t see you up here blocking my path.”

Didn’t you hear what I just said about people dying of fear when they see me??? You’d be smart to stop right there! Believe me, you’ll be much happier and much more alive if you do!

\Sound effect—footsteps\**

Graaah! Hmph—fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

The Troll swings himself up and out from beneath the bridge, landing with a grunt and a THUD.

\Sound effect—THUD\**

(roars) Graaaah! That’s right—cower before me, human! Cower before Kurz, Troll of the Lonely Gulch!

“Nice to meet you, Kurz.”

What? No—it’s not nice to meet me! You’re supposed to be running away screaming, or at least be quaking in terror!

“Wait, am I supposed to be scared?”

Of course you should be scared! I’m a Troll!

“But why? Are you going to eat me, or something?”

Um, well—no, I’m not going to eat you, but—come on! Just look at me! My huge, hulking body! My jutting tusks, and sharp claws!

“I dunno. You’re not that scary, at least not to me.”

What do you mean!? All trolls are scary! Just look at this leathery skin. I bake myself in the sun every day to achieve maximum wrinkles. Plus, do you know how long I’ve rehearsed these scary expressions? If I’m not scary, then what am I good for!?

Realizes he’s ranting; pauses.

\clears throat** But, um, anyway. You’ve got nerve, standing your ground in the face of someone as terrifying as me. I guess you’ve earned the right to state your purpose. What are you doing, crossing my bridge?

The Listener says they’re returning home from their job, and it’s the fastest route.

Returning from your job? Are you working at that new factory, then? The one where they spin straw into gold?

The Listener says no—they’re a tutor.

A tutor? Oh, duh—those kids that live in the candy house. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve had to chase them away from here, the little devils. You’d think their parents had just abandoned them, the way they run amok! It’ll be good for them to have something productive to do. But, anyway. I guess without the bridge, you would have to go all the way down and around the lake…but still, too bad. You don’t just get to cross my bridge whenever you feel like it.

“What makes it YOUR bridge? I don’t see your name on it.”

Well, I live under it, so I’d say that makes it mine.

“Maybe. Kind of rude, though, to charge a toll.”

Hmph. Would you like having feet trampling on your roof at all hours of the day and night!? If I let people waltz across as they pleased, I’d never get any sleep! Besides, do you think these boards fix themselves? I’ve got to pay for their upkeep somehow. Though, with the way taxes are these days, who knows if I'll even be able to—-\has a sudden idea** Wait a minute…

“What is it?”

You said you’re a tutor, human? So, you teach people. Does that mean you can read?

“Um, yes. Why?”

Perfect. Usually, I charge money to cross…but maybe, just this once, we can make a deal.

\Sound effect—crinkling paper, as Kurz unwraps a scroll\**

I got this from the carrier pigeon this morning. Tell me what it says, and I’ll let you cross.

“You want me to read it to you?”

Yeah. Just read it to me, and you'll be on your merry way. Don’t think that this’ll happen every time, though. I just really need to know what it says. Come on; hurry up.

“Hold on. You can’t read?”

Of course not. Why would I know how to read? Even if that dragon hadn’t shut down the Forest Academy, who’d ever let me into a school? Look, just read it. I don’t have all day!

The Listener reads it.

“Underpayment of Estimated Tax?” What does that mean?

The Listener explains.

What!? It’s saying I didn’t pay enough!?

“It says there’s a 10% penalty for your payment being overdue.”

A TEN PERCENT penalty!? (rage) Aaaaaaargh! I swear, I’m going to chop off that dragon’s horns and use them as a chamber pot!

“Whoa, whoa. Hey, I’m just the messenger! Don’t yell at me.”

Huh!?…Oh, right. I guess you are just the messenger. Rrrrgh…hang on. \heavy breathing, trying to regain control** I, um…sorry, I guess. I just can’t believe it.

“Did you get a previous notice?”

I don’t know! Letters come by pigeon all the time, but even if one of them was a previous notice, how am I supposed to know if I can’t read them!? Almost none of us creatures in the forest can read, and that flea-bitten mongrel of a dragon knows it. I swear, I oughta—

“Hey, wait a minute. I’ve got an idea!”

Huh? An idea? What do you mean?

The Listener suggests a trade—they teach him how to read, and in exchange, he lets them cross the bridge to and from their tutoring job each day.

What!? You…you’ll teach me to read? Me?

Pause. Then, Kurz guffaws.

\laughing hard** Oh, man. That’s a good one, human! I haven’t had such a good laugh in ages. I’m almost tempted to let you cross for free next time. Almost.

“It wasn’t a joke, though.”

Huh? It wasn’t a joke? But…no. It’s gotta be. You can’t actually be serious.

“Well, why not? What’s stopping us?”

Well, look at me! I’m a Troll! We’re ugly, and scary, and stupid! There’s no way from here to the Forbidden Mountain that I could ever learn to read.

“Well, you never know until you try. Besides, wouldn’t it be nice to be able to read the letters you get?”

W-well—I guess it would be nice to be able to read my letters, but—come on. I—I can’t.

“I know it seems really intimidating. Trying new things can be scary.”

What!? Scared!? Me!? That’s stupid! I’m the one who does the scaring! You think I’m afraid of a few puny books!?

The Listener suggests they do a trial period.

Oh, fine. I guess we can try it. Just for a week, though, understand? One week of lessons, and in return, you get to cross to and fro for your job. But once the week is done, if it’s not working—and it won’t—you go back to paying gold like everyone else. Deal?

“Deal.” The Listener holds out their hand.

Oh, no, wait—no, don’t shake my hand! You don’t want to—

The Listener grabs his hand, shaking.

…Aaargh. Too late. Whatever…just don’t blame me if you get oozing, festering sores on your hand later.

“Does this time work okay? Afternoon, right here at the bridge?”

Huh? Oh, uh…sure. This time works fine, I guess. Most of my regular patrons have already crossed by now. Just—just don’t tell anyone, okay? If the others heard…I’d never be able to live it down.

“Don’t worry; your secret’s safe with me. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

Okay, good. Well, uh…yeah. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then, human.