Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four

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Key:

[ ] = Artificial Sound Effect

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

| | = Name

{ } = Line Delivery

~ ~ = Emphasis

• ​
  • = Second Character

Crescendo

Rival Mafia Boss

Glad to see you haven’t changed a bit, |Mafia Boss Name|.

Mafia Boss

Don’t stand there and act like you-!

Rival Mafia Boss

Ah! It looks like our detective is finally awake! Sweet dreams?

Oh, now that is a rather nasty scowl. You were right, |Mafia Boss Name|.

Mafia Boss

Save it, |Rival Boss Name|. Why are we here? Alive?

Rival Mafia Boss

(gasp)

You wound me! Do you really think I’d just kill you off like some petty thug? I could never! Not when we have so much history.

Wow, you are a sharp one, aren’t you detective? Yes, I suppose keeping ~you~ alive would be odd. If you weren’t so essential to all this.

Mafia Boss

This is between you and me, |Rival Boss Name|.

Rival Mafia Boss

Oh, but it isn’t anymore, is it? And not just because this little goody-two-shoes would rat me out immediately. No. Because you’ve fallen for them.

Mafia Boss

Come on, |Rival Boss Name|! Is that what this is about?

Rival Mafia Boss

That’s what ~everything~ is about! You know that! Everything I do, everything I’ve done, it’s always been for you, |Mafia Boss Name|. I love you.

Mafia Boss

Well, sorry to say but the feeling isn’t requited.

No, detective, not because of you. Because of him. Although, I would like to restate just how much I’d love to get to know you better.

Rival Mafia Boss

See! This is exactly what I’m talking about!

Mafia Boss

It’s a joke! The detective never says yes, and I never take no for an answer! It’s funny! You, on the other hand, you’re controlling, insipid, malicious, and very selfish in bed. I never loved you, I was just… confused for a while.

Rival Mafia Boss

You should listen to your detective, |Mafia Boss Name|. I’d hate to do something you regret. At least, this early…

Mafia Boss

I’m not going to take that lead, |Rival Mafia Boss|.

No, he’s just going to go into some long-winded spiel about how his master plan is so flawless and fitting and-!

(muffled speech)

Rival Mafia Boss

Well since you asked, detective. I’d love to walk the two of you through what I’m envisioning.

Despite the accusations, this agenda tonight is rather simple. After all, I don’t need much done. The way I see it, I’m moments away from successfully beginning a very lucrative narcotics ring. The only roadblock is the two of you.

Now, I could just put a bullet in both your heads and move on. And honestly, if |Mafia Boss Name| keeps pushing me, maybe I will. But for now… I think we can solve this in a slightly more civil manner.

Well, you don’t ~have~ to die. Neither of you do. I don’t hold a grudge for the murder of… nine footsoldiers? Ten? It hardly matters how many, I’ve got plenty of blood to spare.

Yes, there is the small matter of your legal affiliations. But there are ways to keep a canary from singing. Some of which are rather pleasant. And fortunately for you, I’m willing to pursue them! That is, assuming |Mafia Boss Name| is ready to cooperate.

Mafia Boss

You can’t feed into this, detective. I’ve played this entire game before. First you agree to talk and the next thing you know, you’re tied upside-down to a speedboat playing chicken with a submarine.

Rival Mafia Boss

Don’t act like that wasn’t the time of your life!

Mafia Boss

I’ll tell you all about it if we make it out alive.

Rival Mafia Boss

As annoyed as I am with the very immature silent treatment from |Mafia Boss Name|, that is a perfect segue. Making it out alive. That’s what you both want, isn’t it? Well here’s how you do it.

Despite the ~very~ clear indicators for me to hate you, |Mafia Boss Name|, the heart wants what the heart wants. So, if you agree to play nice for… sixty years or so, then instead of executing your wonderful detective, I’ll send them off to a safehouse. Somewhere nice, remote. You can visit once a month, do whatever it is you two do behind closed doors, and then you’d come back to me. My loyal, loving partner, till death do us part.

Mafia Boss

Pass.

Rival Mafia Boss

Oh, don’t be so hasty! You haven’t even heard what happens if you reject my generous offer!

Mafia Boss

Sorry, I don’t remember asking.

Rival Mafia Boss

Don’t be snippy, |Mafia Boss Name|. You’ll want to hear this.

Mafia Boss

No. I promise you, I don’t.

Rival Mafia Boss

Thank you, detective. With how agreeable you’re being, I think I see why |Mafia Boss Name| likes you.

More to the point, I’m sure you’ve noticed that you’ve been drenched in something detective. I don’t know if you can smell it after that little faceplant you did when you fell unconscious but, I’m sure |Mafia Boss Name| knows what it is.

Mafia Boss

Wait, the gasoline? That’s you, detective?!

Rival Mafia Boss

Ding, ding, ding! As |Mafia Boss Name| so astutely observed, I am preparing to roast a lovely detective flambé! Terrible way to die, I hear. But |Mafia Boss Name| would know more about that than I would.

Mafia Boss

Once again, I’ll be glad to tell you that story if you survive this.

Rival Mafia Boss

Well then, I’m sure my deal is seeming a little more palatable now, isn’t it? Accept my offer, love me, maybe merge your business under mine, and the detective doesn’t go up in flames.

No, you don’t have any say in this detective. Now sit pretty and try to look desperate. |Mafia Boss Name| has a thing for strays.

Mafia Boss

Don’t even think about posing detective. I’m not taking this deal.

Rival Mafia Boss

Really?

Mafia Boss

Yes, really. I trust you about as far as I can throw you. And despite how convincing my flirting must have been, I don’t have feelings for the detective. They’re a cop. They’re the enemy. I just needed them to cooperate.

Rival Mafia Boss

Is that so?

Mafia Boss

I’m not going to repeat myself.

Rival Mafia Boss

Well then, no reason to keep them around, is there? I can always take you kicking and screaming and ask again after a few days of starvation.

Mafia Boss

Be my guest.

Rival Mafia Boss

Fine. Then we need to get out of here. And you detective, you are going to get the honor of keeping my favorite lighter.

[lighter clicks open]

Thanks for watching over my darling. I’m sure they would have gotten themselves shot if you hadn’t been around.

[small flame ignites]

Mafia Boss

Wait!

Rival Mafia Boss

Ah, and there it is. Nice to see you were bluffing, |Mafia Boss Name|, I knew you couldn’t-

[punch interrupts]

[body collapses]

Mafia Boss

Detective?

What? Oh, yes! I… I definitely saw you pick the cuffs! I just needed to buy you a little more time! Nice punch, by the way, I think he’s out cold.

Yes, right! The coke! I’m sorry that was just… very attractive, my brain is slipping. Give me a moment, I’m sure I can function.

Thank you. I’d have picked the lock as well but alas, I left my kit at home.

So, I suppose we won? Rather an odd position to be in but gift horses’ mouths and whatnot. Again, so sorry because this is about to become rather anticlimactic.

[gunshot]

Oh, calm down. I didn’t shoot you.

Come now detective, keep up. Surely, you of all people can put the pieces together.

|Rival Boss Name| keeps a gun in his vest pocket. Or I guess kept would be the more apt description considering the murder.

And now the synapses are firing. Contemplation looks good on you, detective.

Ooh, quite the wild accusation! But no, I have no intention of killing you.

Detective! Do you really think that little of me? No, I’m not going to pin this on you. What good would that do me? Sending my favorite cop to prison?

Please just shut that pretty little mouth for a moment and listen. Nothing nefarious is going on. We won, detective. And I intend to honor our deal. The cocaine, the notes, the scientists, and all the evidence you want to take. All yours.

The only reason I’m pointing this gun at you is to ensure you don’t get any ideas! Even though our deal didn’t technically include me not killing |Rival Mob Boss|, it never hurts to be safe around you. After all, I’ve seen what your right hook can do.

I swear on my mother’s grave, I had no idea he’d be here. But once you had him unconscious, I saw an opportunity. One that I know you’ll support if you just hear me out.

Think about it detective. |Rival Mob Boss| wasn’t exactly making life around here better. And now that he’s dead, there’s going to be quite the big shoes to fill. Which will inevitably lead to a lot of bloodshed, violence, infighting, and lots of other terrible circumstances that no one wants.

Fortunately, I’m your ticket out of this. I can keep this city from eating itself. And all you have to do is take credit for the biggest bust of the century. Say you did all this alone. Say you took down the mob singlehandedly. Go to a press conference or two, accept some medals, get the public nice and happy, and by the time you’re back on the beat, I’ll have handled everything.

(sigh)

Detective, you’re looking at this wrong. You ~want~ me to hold all the cards. It’s what’s best for the city! Or would you prefer to roll the dice on some new thug? One who would likely have a history of bloody coups and hostile takeovers. Better the devil you know, right?

Then allow me to rephrase. Either you go paint the picture of a lone, intrepid, incredibly sexy detective beating evil itself, or, I shoot you and we let someone else make heads or tails of this. Either way, the power ends up in my hands.

Believe me, detective. I don’t want to kill you. In fact, I’d love nothing more than to celebrate this incredible victory with you. But we both have more pressing matters to attend to, so I’m afraid the bedroom will have to wait.

Think of it this way. If you let me go, I’ll owe you one. A really big one considering how good this is going to be for me.

Detective, be reasonable. What does this city need more? The best crime fighter it’s ever seen, riding high, with a massive promotion and friends in low places, or another filled grave?

This is the best deal you’re going to get, detective. No debts, you’re not in my pocket, some well-deserved recognition, maybe some sex on the side. This is everything you could ask for. Just take it.

Please. I… ~really~ don’t want to shoot you.

Ah, I knew you were a smart one.

Take the compliment, detective. You’re about to get a lot more of them. But I’m not going to be around to see all of that. Try not to miss me too much while I’m putting together a criminal empire! Ta-ta!

[door opens]

Yes, detective?

Oh, it’s so good to know you care! Tell you what, give me… a week, no, nine days and I’ll be right in front of that dingy little apartment, ready to take you to dinner all over again. Then we can get this whole friends-with-benefits thing straight.

Yes yes, the benefit is entirely business, nothing else, I’m sure. You can’t blame me for trying to get into your lightly stained slacks, can you?

Well, you’ll have to stew on it. Goodbye until next time, detective. And do be sure to take notes on the ceremonies. I’ll want to hear all about my fiancé’s latest endeavors.

{cheesy}

Oh, I love you too, darling.

(blow kiss)

[door shuts]