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I, SplashiestPig, the author of this script, personally endorse the pursuit of any typical action taken with this text. You can edit it. You can put it behind a paywall. You can monetize an audio made from it. You can even join it on a life of crime, while you steal the funds to flee Uncle Sam! Dive In! Credit SplashiestPig, and if it could be managed, I'd love to get a link to your work.

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Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

Jump The Broom, Leap The Book

Weather’s turned sour. If we ain’t quick, the roads might go ‘nd turn to mush.

*listener questions*

Well, I ain’t saying we should just throw the whole plan out. We’ve been wanting to take out a loan for months! I’m just saying, maybe we oughtta wait a week, let the dirt firm up.

*listener assures*

You certain about this one, darling?

*listener confirms*

Fine then, twist my arm. You know I ain’t in the business of doubting ya’, I’m just making sure.

*small pause*

Ready to make pleasant?

*listener comments*

Don’t be like that. We wouldn’t want anyone denying us a withdrawal, now would we?

*listener confirms*

See? That’s why I do the talkin’. Much as I love ya’, you’ve got a hair trigger in more ways than one.

*listener accepts*

Well, if’n you’re loaded, then I think it’s time to get our down payment, don’t you?

*listener confirms*

I love you, ya gall nipper!

[door swings open]

[gunshot]

{loudly}

Ladies and gentlemen, this here is a robbery! I reckon you all got ten seconds to sit on ya’ hands, before I start smoking shells!

[shotgun racks]

Six! Five. Four, three, two, one!

[gunshot]

Looks like that sorry fool was a little slow on the sitting. Glad the rest of y’all ain’t!

*small pause*

Now, all y’all bankers back there are gonna lead my associate straight back to ya’ bonds. Imma stand right here, front the door, and for every minute I stand here, someone’s gonna meet God. I’d suggest you start moving.

*small pause*

Now that’s mighty fine! Don’t you worry folks, big city banks like this got all kinds of insurances! You fine city-slickers won’t be losing a penny. So as long as everyone sits nice and civil-like, this can be nothing more than a story to tell at y’all’s next soiree. Don’t try being no hero! It ain’t worth dying over nothing!

*small pause*

Ace? How’re we doing back there?

*listener responds*

Well, if they’re needing some motivation, start cutting fingers off! I won’t tell.

*listener comments*

Oh, that talk got ‘em loosened up, did it? Crazy world we live in, huh? You’d think the loaded peacemaker would be threat enough.

*small pause*

Don’t you worry folks! We’ll be outta here in-!

[door swings]

[gunshot]

[shotgun racks]

*listener calls*

Don’t you worry, Ace! Sheriff just popped in to say hello! Shame he wasn’t a quicker shot, he almost caught me off-guard!

*small pause*

Let your sheriff be a lesson, folks. He had a loaded gun and an itchy finger, and he still ended up with a face full a’ lead. You ain’t gonna do no better. Just stay calm, and this’ll be over soon ‘nough.

*small pause*

Speaking of which, Ace! How we doing?

*listener responds*

Oh, well if it ain’t my lucky day? Done already?

*listener confirms*

You always was good with your hands, darling. Now, fine people, thank you very much for your hospitality! We’ll be heading on out, and if anyone comes out this door while we’re around, I promise you, Ace here will put a bullet in your brain ‘fore you make three steps.

[door swings]

Great work, darling.

(whistle)

Now let’s see if we can’t get outta here alive?

*small pause*

Hyah!

[horse gallops]

Scouting said three deputies, right?

*small pause*

If that sheriff had any sense, they’ll be waiting at the ridge. Ready to show ‘em why I call you Ace?

*small pause*

Well then, why don’t you exfluncticate?

*listener questions*

I saw it in a paper, I think it means you’re gonna muck the hog, but I ain’t sure. I’ve been trying to shove some bigger words inna our heists, and it seemed like-!

[three gunshots]

Ooh! You’ve got some eagle eyes on ya’ darling!

*listener comments*

Yep, I’m sure you exlfuncticated ‘em just fine. Although, it looks like that third shot mighta been a bit off-center.

*listener denies*

I don’t know, hun. We’re getting pretty old. Maybe you’ve lost the touch.

*listener states*

(laugh)

You know I’m barking at knots, Ace. We could run circles around any punks this side of the Mississippi.

*listener states*

Aw, is someone a little miffed? Don’t worry about it, darling. I’ll make it upta ya’, once we’re safe and sound.

*listener questions*

Well, I guess you’ll just have to wait n’ see, wontcha?

*listener agrees*

[horse galloping fades]

*pause*

[rainstorm ambiance]

Quick! It’s raining cats and dogs out here!

*listener states*

Whaddya mean, the key won’t fit? We got it off the corpse, didn’t we? It should be right!

*listener confirms*

Screw it. Not like we’ll be staying long.

[door slams]

There. Nothing some elbow grease couldn’t solve. After you, darling.

*small pause*

Slide me a chair, I’ll jam the door shut.

[door closes]

There! That’ll give us some shelter from the storm. Lucky we didn’t get held up with the bank. It is flooding out there!

*listener comment*

Yes, darling. You were right. I swear, you get so smug after a score!

*listener states*

And I’m very happy too. But please, let’s not escape the bullets just to freeze to death in wet clothes.

*listener questions*

I know we ain’t got firewood. Fortunately, I had something else in mind.

*listener asks*

Way I see it, I still owe you for my little comment earlier. And that bed looks just big enough to fit two. So get this wet stuff off, and we’ll count the money from un’ner the blankets.

*listener inquires*

Well, you know how I get when money’s involved. And if we’re bare already, who knows what’ll happen? So why don’t you hurry up and get here? Money and warmth first, then we’ll think about the Devil’s Tango.

[blankets rustle]

Wow, I think that might have gotten you moving faster than the heist did!

*listener retorts*

Mouth as quick as your trigger finger. That’s why I love ya’ hun.

*listener comments*

Then move over, ya’ lovebug!

[blankets rustle]

Here. You hold our sack, and I’ll hold you! Maybe even mess with your hair, if you behave.

*listener questions*

You know exactly what I’m talking about, ya’ weasel. Now, hurry up! I wanna know how much we risked life and limb for!

*listener states*

Don’t you tryna confuse me with that. How much is it total?

*listener adds*

You’re kidding.

*listener denies*

I knew we were gonna make a killing but… two-thousand?

*listener comments*

Plus the gold! Darling, with this score, and our savings, we got it!

*listener confirms*

I can’t believe it! We made it! We’re not dead, and we made it!

*listener agrees*

Come here you, beautiful, beautiful outlaw!

(kiss)

We got the money!

(kiss)

We’ve got the money, and the supplies, and each other-!

(kiss)

We blow through the states, hop a boat in Mexico-!

(kiss)

Live out our days in Honduras, making hooch outta coconuts-!

(kiss)

We did it! You and me! We proved ‘em wrong, darling!

(long kiss)

I love you, Ace. And I’m going to tell you that for the rest of our long, shoot-out-free lives!

(giddy chuckle)

I’m so glad we stuck together. I told ya’ this would all work out.

*listener comments*

Oh, I know hun, but I don’t even care! Nothing’s gonna bring me down now. We are inches away from everything we’ve ever dreamed of. A couple weeks’ travel hardly matters now.

*small pause*

Say, whaddaya think about getting a kid? Once we’ve settled down? I know we can’t have one of our own but, I’m sure there’s a scamp out there that’d love a home! Maybe a dog or a really smart pig?

*listener questions*

Right. One step at a time. I’m just… so happy! You and me did it. We beat Johnny Law! And I can’t wait to celebrate!

*listener agrees*

Get the money back in the bag. I don’t want there to be anything between us!

*small pause*

There. That’s better. Drying up, darling?

*listener confirms*

Yeah, I’m a little damp ‘round the edges, but I’m sure we can fix that soon enough.

*listener questions*

Yes darling, after that incredible showing at the bank, we can even do it the way you like. As a treat.

*listener asks*

No lie. I’ll even be the one to get out of our little pile of warmth here to get the lasso. You earned it.

*listener accepts*

Just gimme a kiss, ya’ slink!

(kiss)

[ambiance fades]