Summary: Maybe trying to fight the most notorious villain in the city while you’re sick was not your greatest idea ever. Now you’re trapped in the clutches of your nemesis, and…hold on, why are they giving you chicken noodle soup?

CW: curse words, kidnapping (kind of? Listener is semi-willing), reference to drugging/sedatives (no drugs are actually used, though), superhero-and-villain tropes/cliches galore

Usage:

• OK to record & monetize, as long as you give me credit in the video/audio description as the scriptwriter! I would also love to listen to the recording when it’s done–please send me the link on Reddit! Paywalling is okay; however, if you paywall, you must make it possible for me to listen to the finished product.
• Gender-flipping and small tweaks are okay (e.g., changing pronouns, leaving out curse words), but no large edits are permitted.
• Feel free to use music or insert sound effects if you’d like. Any sound effects given are suggestions–use at your discretion. *Sound effects in bold, set apart by asterisks\*
• Any dialogue or reactions given by the Listener are purely for the benefit of the VA, to help them feel like they have something to respond to while they’re acting. Listener reactions in italics.
• Please let me know if you have any questions!

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(teasing) Well, well, well. Look who’s finally awake! Good morning, my dear hero. Or, good afternoon, I should say. I was starting to think I’d have to channel a fairy tale prince and kiss you in order to wake you up…well, I guess there’s always next time.

“V-villain?”

\chuckle** Why yes, it’s me. Your beloved nemesis. I know, I look rather different in this sort of a mask. Thank Asmodeus they make N95s in black—it would completely clash with my outfit otherwise.

“What…what happened!? Where am I!?”

Don’t you recognize it, my sweet? I would have thought the wallpaper would give it away. You’re at my mansion…more specifically, in my guest room. As for what happened…you honestly don’t remember?

“Did you kidnap me!?”

Mmm, “kidnapped” is a bit of a strong word. True, I suppose I didn’t ask for your permission before I brought you here…but in my defense, it’s rather hard to do that when the person you’d just been fighting is unconscious. We were in the middle of our little showdown—I had been just about ready to unleash my Truth Ray on the candidates for the political debate, when you showed up, like usual. \mimics Hero* “Hold it right there!...”* Honestly, I should have known right then that something was off—usually, you have a one-liner at the ready that’s sharper than a lego beneath an unsuspecting foot at midnight. You tried to fight me, but you could barely throw a punch…and then, before I knew it, you collapsed in front of me.

“You fiend! You must’ve pulled something! What did you do to me!?”

See, here’s the most unbelievable part of all, my sweet—I didn’t do anything to you.

“What!? No—you must’ve done something!”

I know, but I swear on my 100% silken cape, it’s true. No knockout gas, no sleep ray, no hypnosis. You just…fainted. Luckily, I managed to catch you—you being hospitalized with a concussion would have put quite a damper on our little sleepover.

“But…but, no! Why would I…I mean, how could I have…?”

Well, I’m no expert, but perhaps it had something to do with that worryingly high fever you were running. Pardon my language, my sweet, but for f***’s sake—running around taking on powerful villains like myself, when you’re burning up like the surface of the sun!? Oh, which reminds me—hold still.

\Sound effect—soft beep\**

“What—what is—!?”

Shhhh. It’s just a thermometer, my sweet. (reads the temp) Mmm…good. Your temperature has gone down a bit. A bit of rest, and some fluids, and you’ll be back to foiling my plans in no time. \chuckle** Or, at least, trying to. Now…do you like ramen?

“Wait—what???”

That’s right. A bit unorthodox, I know, but chicken noodle soup is just so overdone. Besides, I’m a sucker for anything with ginger and garlic. Here you go.

*Optional sound effect—gentle clinking of dishes\*

The Villain sets a tray with a bowl of homemade ramen beside the Listener. They don’t touch it, looking warily from the tray to the Villain.

What’s the matter? Ah…afraid I may have slipped in a little something extra? \chuckle** Alas, not this time—unless you count a little bit of sriracha. It should help your congestion. Now, bon appetit, my dear. (playful) Or, if you’d rather, perhaps I could feed you?

“Wait—I don’t—what are you doing?”

Hmm? Isn’t it obvious, my sweet? If you won’t give yourself the time you need to rest and recover, then you leave me no choice. Don’t worry—I promise, it will be the most pleasant stint in my captivity that you’ve ever had. I’ve rescheduled the Truth Ray, so we’ll still get to hear everyone’s dirty little secrets. I’ve made you a mug of tea, with lemon and honey. Oh, and I finally caved and got the Hulu-Disney-plus bundle. After all, you’re always telling me that my worst crime is that I’ve never seen Coco.

“This is ridiculous! I’m not just gonna stay here.”

You’re not going anywhere, hero. I didn’t put anything into that broth just yet, but if you force me, I just might. Now lie down.

“No! The city needs me! I’ve got to—”

For f***’s sake, hero. Look at yourself! You can barely stand. Surely they’ll be alright without you for one week.

“I can’t! They need me!”

They need you to be healthy. And so do I. There’s no glamour in fighting someone who’s sick. Now, this is your last warning. Lie down and rest, or I swear, I’ll break out that old sleep ray from last year.

“I can’t! I’ve got to keep going! I’ve got to!...”

(annoyed noise) Well, at least now we know what you’ve got—a bad case of stubborn-itis. Why, hero!? Why won’t you just let yourself rest?

The Listener starts to break down.

Oh— (comforting) There, now; my sweet. Don’t cry. It’s alright. Shhhh. I know…you feel like you’ve got to keep going, no matter what. You keep pushing and pushing and pushing, but no one can keep that up forever. You’ve tried so hard, for so long…but it’s okay to rest, my dear. It’s okay. You don’t—

The Listener reaches out, hugging the Villain.

—Oh! My, my; hugging your nemesis? You really must be out of it…but I won’t tell if you won’t.

The Listener holds the villain and cries.

…I know, my dear. I can only imagine the responsibility you feel…but just because you’re a hero doesn’t mean you have to do it all. Everyone’s got to pick their battles. I mean, look at me—I only pick battles I’m sure to win.

“Except if you’re fighting against me,” the hero says, smiling shakily through their tears.

Ha! Brave words, from someone who nearly needed me to spoon-feed them a few moments ago. Right now, my sweet, I’m pretty sure I could win just about any fight against you. But neither of us will be doing any fighting until you’re better. After all, where’s the fun in kicking the ass of someone who can barely fight back? You don’t have to feel guilty for resting, my dear. The city will be fine; I promise. And if, by chance, some other villain does somehow swoop in and take over in the span of a week, I’d be more than happy to help you take them down. Can’t have anyone stealing my limelight.

“Th–thanks,” the hero hiccups.

My pleasure, hero. Mmm…your hair is so soft. Do you like it when I card my fingers through it?...

The Listener nods, too sick and exhausted to lie.

\chuckle** I thought so. Now, eat your ramen, and get some rest, my sweet. If you need anything, just call me…I won’t be far. Sleep tight, my sweet hero.