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Key:

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

[ ] = Added Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

{ } = Line Delivery

Reprobate

[knock]

*small pause*

[knock]

{muffled}

Come on, this has to be the right house!

*small pause*

[knock]

{muffled}

418 Harmony Lane… was it supposed to be… 814? 218? No, I’m sure I’ve got the right address.

[knock]

*small pause*

{muffled}

Maybe I-

[door opens]

Oh! You’re home! And…

*small pause*

Oh my god… you’re actually here. And it’s actually you! I’m here and you’re here and-!

*small pause*

Hi! Do you have a moment?

*listener implies*

Please, if you could spare just a few seconds. I’m not trying to sell you anything or get you to sign a petition, I’m here about your days as-

(quick inhale)

Whoops! Not supposed to say that out loud! And… probably not supposed to loudly exclaim that either. Anyway… I had a whole speech planned, more of a monologue really because, you know, monologues are kinda our bread and butter but I’m blanking now so… can I come in?

*listener rejects*

Wait, don’t close the door! I promise this is important!

*listener ignores*

{rushed}

The Black Lotus Rests On The Clear Pond!

*small pause*

Please… let me in. I need help. Your help.

*listener accepts*

Thank you! You won’t regret this, I promise. I just need an hour, tops! Well, technically I want a lot more than an hour but… that’s for another time! Is there somewhere we can sit down?

*listener points*

Right, chairs, yes. Let me just…

[chair scooches]

Okay. Hi! My name is Shadow. Or maybe, Shade? I kinda liked Blue Shade but… it just didn’t sound right, you know? I did think about Penumbra but that sounded too edgy so…

*small pause*

I’m sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. My real name’s |Character Name|. I’ve been looking for you for a long time now.

*listener questions*

Well um… I’m sure you don’t like to talk about it anymore or you wouldn’t have gone to such great lengths to hide this but… I know about your time as… as a villain. Really, I like to think of you as an Anti-Hero but, technically I don’t know if that’s true because your motives were always pretty obscure. Like, really obscure! Half the time, I’m not even sure you knew whose side you were on but-!

*listener interrupts*

Right! Focus. Okay um… that’s why I’ve been looking for you. I’m looking for a teacher and who better to teach me than the best villain ever?!

*listener implies*

Please don’t… deny it. I… I’m definitely sure I got the right house. I promise, I haven’t told any authorities or… anyone who couldn’t handle a secret, and I made extra super sure to never tell anyone more than they already knew! I just got a lot of little bits of information from a lot of people and put it all together. No paper trail, just me.

*listener questions*

Oh um… right! Very right! I should just show you! Then you’ll get it! Here, let me-

[chair scooches]

-Close these curtains and…

*small pause*

Okay… here we go. Ready? Because, I don’t think I’ll be able to do this for very long.

*listener asks*

What am I doing? I’m showing you what I’m doing just… here, watch!

[Vanish SFX]

See? Or… more accurately, Don’t See? Get it? Because I faded into the shadows? I’ve been workshopping one-liners and I think that’s one of the better ones but-

(gag)

And there’s the vertigo!

[Vanish SFX]

Wow, that never gets any less shaky.

*listener speaks*

One second, I can’t really hear you, my brain’s still a little bit scattered. Can we just um… sit back down before I fall over?

*small pause*

(exhale)

Much better! Now um… I think that explains why I’ve… you know, tracked you down?

*listener denies*

No? But you should-!

*small pause*

Wait, this is a strategy thing, isn’t it? Not exposing anything, playing info close to the chest, all that stuff?

(giddy squeal)

You’re exactly as good as they said you’d be! Okay, so… since you’re not going to admit to anything I’ll just… lay out the board! This is great practice, I love it!

(clear throat)

So, as you can see, I am not exactly normal. I mean… how many people do you know who can just… fade into shadows? I’m going to guess exactly two. Me and you. And since I definitely know you’re… you know, you, on account of this nice but unassuming house, and that little scar under your ear, and the fact that you recognized your old activation phrase, I know you are the only person in the world who understands what I’m going through! How I think! And if there was even one person who could show me the ropes of how to be that perfect, suave, evil-but-they-have-a-good-point villain, it’s you!

*listener disagrees*

See, that’s exactly why you’re perfect. Any lesser person would be dying to take all this praise, recollect every single detail, and then maybe kill me for knowing too much… but that’s not you! You always had things under control. Still do! I had to bribe and blackmail so many people just to figure out you were still alive! Much less where you were or when I could find you! That is why I need you to teach me!

*listener muses*

It’s not like you won’t get anything out of it! Believe me, I’ve been considering how to properly compensate you for your knowledge for ages now! First, I am willing to offer you a twenty percent cut from all of my heists, thefts, and ransoms for the first twenty-four months of my career. Second, I have perfected a chocolate chip cookie recipe that I would be happy to provide in two batch installments per week over pleasant conversation so that’s free food, and someone to talk to about all your past exploits. And thirdly, as I’ve alluded to I know about your time in… let’s call it experimental custody. I know you never managed to catch all of the people who hurt you. And since I don’t have a cool, tragic origin story, I am more than happy to make it my personal mission to finish what you started and hunt down everyone who tried to make you into a weapon.

*listener speaks*

Let me cut you off right there, and quickly run through my qualifications! I have a perfect criminal record, and I’ve kept my alias intact so my secret identity’s in the bag. I have a bachelor's in Computer Science, youngest in my class, and I love tinkering so I can make all my own gadgets. I’m already dieting and maintaining a workout schedule for any physical aspects of villainy. I’m a quick learner. I’ve often been described as a person who always gets their way. And I can sew, stitch, and embroider so free costume!

*listener states*

I hear what you’re saying, but I really must insist. There are only like… twenty people in the world who have actual superpowers, and like three-quarters of them are heroes. Plus, none of them have your record. Or the same superpower as me! You’re perfect for this.

*listener denies*

Come on, you’re stonewalling me here! You’ve got to give me something!

*listener comments*

Aren’t you curious about how I found you? Why we have the same power? Why I want to be a villain? Because all of those have the same satisfying answer, and would work great as a call to action for a mentor!

*listener avoids*

There you go, dodging again! You are great at this! I mean really, flawless.

*listener comments*

No, that means I especially have to tell you! Otherwise, you might say no, and that is not an option!

*small pause*

Here, flashback with me. You’ve been out of the lab for a little over two years. You’re a sizeable way through your hitlist. You’ve already become the most successful cat burglar of all time, and you’ve been dabbling in espionage. That’s when you really got on the radar of the world’s governments and they started sending their heroes, hitmen, and whoever else they could scrounge up.

*small pause*

You were in Paris, it was a rainy night so perfect shadow conditions, you had just stolen a cassette tape or… you know, whatever people stored information on back then… and then you ran into trouble. A special agent had actually managed to track you down through your crazy, shadow escape route and follow you back to a safe house. An agent with no superpowers, no flashy tech, no moles, just good old-fashioned detective work.

*small pause*

As she tells the story, you were impressed that she had actually managed to follow you. You chatted her up, had what she calls, “a very one-sided fight”, and then you escaped. Except you didn’t really escape. With the stuff you left behind in that safehouse, she managed to track you down six more times. Each time getting to know you a bit better, until one day, you set a trap for her, some words were exchanged, and you two started seeing eye to eye. And from then on, she tossed you a bone when she could, you helped out her agency a few times, and then one day, you stopped answering her dead drops. The next week, news about your “death” came out. Which was a real shame in timing, because if you had stuck around for two weeks longer, you would have gotten the news that she was pregnant.

*small pause*

Not blaming you, by the way. I’m not calling you a deadbeat dad or anything unless… you know, that is somehow true and you intentionally faked your death because you actually knew you’d gotten my mom pregnant but… this is going in a weird direction. Bottom line; I’m your kid. Surprise!

*listener questions*

Woah, seeing, actual emotion on your face is… weird. But like good weird! And it was only there for a second, you hide it so well!

*listener repeats*

Oh, right! Yeah, um… that’s why I’ve got your powers. No weird government project just… genetics and one little near-death experience but that isn’t relevant right now. And um… my mom is retired too, but she still has a ton of contacts and she told me plenty of stories so, I was in a pretty good position to find you. And since I heard all these stories, I’ve idolized you since before I could remember! Add in my upbringing with a professional spy for a mom, surrounded by secret agents, and with your blood in my veins and it’s no surprise why I’m so okay with… moral greys. I like to think of them as moral whites and that everyone else is grey but… that’s not a very popular opinion so…

*small pause*

So yeah. I’m the perfect candidate for the role. I’m your legacy. We can both make some money, and be friends too, and if you think about it you kinda owe me like eighteen years of child support anyway soo… how’s about it?

*listener denies*

Wait um… what?

*listener repeats*

Uh… please?

*listener continues*

Oh, I um… I hadn’t… expected that. I…

*listener maintains*

Yeah, I know but…

*listener states*

I…

*small pause*

I’m sorry for wasting your time then… sir. I’ll… I’ll go.

[chair scooches]

Hey um… before I… leave I…

(sigh)

Do you have some money saved up?

*listener questions*

Well…

(sigh)

My mom’s sick. Radiation poisoning turned cancerous. We think she got it from her work or… from you or… or maybe me and… we um… we can’t afford treatment. That’s why I needed to find you. I always wanted to be a villain for fun and money and… getting to seduce heroes but… I was always planning to take it slow. Except now, if I can’t produce a couple million dollars in… four months… then my mom’s going to die.

*small pause*

You don’t have to teach me or… or even see me again but, she really believes you loved her. I… I think you might have too. And… if that’s true… if you ever cared for her then… then she could use the help.

*listener denies*

Yeah, that um… that makes sense. I’m sure you can’t just… pull two mil out of thin air without attracting some… unwanted attention…

*small pause*

Hey uh… thanks for letting me in. Believe it or not, I’m… I’m still really happy I got to see you. At least once. Uh…

(sigh)

Bye.

[door opens and closes]

*long pause*

[door opens]

*listener calls*

{far away}

Huh?

*listener repeats*

Wait, really?

*listener claims*

Yes! Of… of course! The dramatic fakeout! That’s classic you, I should have known!

[running footsteps]

So, what’s the first lesson? Do you have some way to teach me to shadow longer or farther or… Oh, will we do the first heist together? The old master coming out of retirement to show the new kid how it’s down or-!

*listener states*

Lesson number one? Yes, anything. I am ready!

*listener speaks*

A good villain knows when to speak, and when to stay quiet.

*small pause*

{mumbling quickly}

A good villain knows when to speak, and when to stay quiet…

*small pause*

Oh, we’re still outside, aren’t we?

*listener confirms*

Right, save the questions for behind closed doors. Got it!

*listener alludes*

Not what you meant? Then… what did you mean?

*listener states*

You’ll… you’ll show me? As in, you’ll teach me?! Yes! Yes, please, thank you! I am ready to learn, I promise!

*listener speaks*

Right! Close the door, come in, and stand on the rug. Stand on the rug? Why?

*listener insists*

Okay um…

[door closes]

So… what happens now?

[platform slides]

{descending, getting quieter}

Secret Elevator Rug! That’s so cooool!