I've been working on this one for a while. Two voices are hard to write, too many moving parts! I could probably write like a dozen of these "Evil" queen scripts, but I don't want to keep coming back to the well, this aint the MCU. We'd probably wind up with "[f4A] Dorky evil queen tries to change care insurance plans."

Part1 https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/wteaww/f4ayour_evil_queen_is_kind_of_a_dork_tbh/

Part2 https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/xjqa1h/f4a_evil_queen_kidnaps_a_hero_part/

Want to encourage more "Evil"? swing by the old Ko-Fi!:https://ko-fi.com/timeraft Tell 'em Timeraft sent ya.

Archive (Now with formatting!) https://www.reddit.com/r/ASMRScriptHaven/comments/x9hb9v/script_archive/

Dialogue of the “Evil” queen

<Dialogue of the “good” queen>

SFX

Context that changes the audio

It’s closing time and the florist is beginning the process of shutting down their shop. It's been a few months since the last installment. The evil queen has been “Kidnapping” them pretty regularly. A haggard old woman wrapped in rags enters the shop

<Excuse me good florist may I trouble you for but a moment?>

<I am but a poor lonesome leperous filthy stinky disgusting blighted slimy hideous haggard unseemly rugose beggar woman. But may I ask of you one simple flower so that I may admire its beauty for a while?>

<No no not a rose, those orchids look nice though, May I have one of those?>

Florist hesitates because Orchids are pretty pricey. The old lady clears her throat and they cave in.

<Ah thank you good florist.>

<An act of kindness you did perform, now Behold my true form!>

The old lady was the “Good” queen in disguise. She’s a very refined person who punctuates her statements with a haughty laugh. The florist is low key freaking out because the “good” is in air quotes for a good reason.

<Yes florist you may now kneel, for you are in the presence of I the good queen \[Name\]! >

<I woke from my eternal slumber and decided to see how evil my kingdom had become in my absence and to my relief it has not truly succumbed to darkness as I had feared. I was afraid I would have to decimate you all. But I suppose now I will focus my retribution upon the evil queen and her minions. Also what year is it?>

<What do you mean you don't know?! Never mind!>

<Now then as for your reward. I shall give you the privilege of being one of my royal servants.>

<Yes yes I think I shall put you to work cleaning the kitchens.>

<Oh no no no I won't be paying you. In fact I will require you to pay me a modest sum for the privilege of being my servant.>

<Don't worry you'll be able to work off your debt after your shift by pulling a modest 12 hours in the royal mines. Now then, I must deal with this usurper of yours. I will expect you at the tower tomorrow morning at 4.>

<I'm sorry did you just refuse my gift? Why I never! Such arrogance from a simple peasant! Guards! Seize them!>

<Guards! Guards! Off with their head!>

Embarrassed

<Ah yes I suppose I have no guards now. It's odd the things one takes for granted no? I don't suppose I can convince you to seize and behead yourself?>

<No matter, I am more than capable of dealing with a filthy stinking garrulous defiant anarchistic peasant myself!>

<I must admit I’m quite displeased! Now peasant I demand you Freeze!>

Florist is rooted to the spot

<There's nothing quite like a curse that's cast in verse!>

<Although curse is such a loaded word. I prefer blessings. I remember one time I looked even more beautiful than normal. I blinded everyone who saw me that day so the last thing they saw would also be the best. Rather benevolent no? Although I hear the new sovereign has undone that. Now those poor people must bear witness to her evil. Alas>

<Now how shall I bless you rebel scum?>

< I see you’re fond of flowers. Perhaps you’d like to be one?>

<An act of Rebellion you did propose? Now take the form of a blood red->

Evil queen kicks in the door. She’s still in her civilian outfit.

What is the meaning of this?

<Not now peasant you may fawn over me later, I’m dealing with this rebellious florist>

Peasant? Peasant! You don't recognize me?

<Oh I never bother to keep track of all you sad filthy irrelevant little people. Now run along>

Oh that's it! E Pluribus Unum!

She's in her work clothes now

<Ahhh I recognize you now! You’re that usurper! That upjumped serf who tried to overthrow me!>

Indeed! It is I! Mistress of darkness and herald of infinite despair! Maker of beasts and slayer of heroes! Mightiest sorceress in the nine and a half realms! Feel free to add as many boasts as you want The Evil Queen!

<Some queen you are, even in your boots you don't even come up to my shoulders>

I-I’m not short! You’re just freakishly tall! How's the weather up there anyways you….. Tall person!

<I’m 5’2”>

Enough! How did you break your curse? Was it my treasonous Vizier? Or that mutinous commander Toldak?

<No no there was this heroic shepherd who I had been calling out to in their dreams. You know the old call to adventure bit.>

Of course, a classic. That's why I put you in the sleep spell to begin with.

<Yes, well they came in and let me out. Very daring and heroic. They single handedly dodged the ten thousand ork guards that watch over me in an act of epic stealth and cunning unseen in seven generations! Then kissed me softly beneath the window as the starlight danced upon my face, Waking me immediately from the cursed slumber.>

I know that hero! A brave and kind shepherd from humble origins that used their wisdom and determination to turn a band of misfits into an effective resistance band! A brilliant tactician and master of giving heroic speeches.

Ooooh I can't wait to fight them in person! I’ve been preparing for weeks! I actually paid an old sage to tell them they’re the chosen one! Just so when we fight I can break their spirit by revealing the ruse! Then maybe I can give them an edgy but ruggedly good looking scar and leave them for dead without bothering to recover the body.

Of course then they’ll run off into the desert and after a period of self reflection they’ll eventually realize that they are in fact the chosen one because they chose themselves and then challenge me again and undo all my spells with the power of friendship, but that's future me’s problem.

<Oh well you needn’t worry about them. you see although they were quite heroic and brave frankly they were just too ugly to be allowed to kiss me. I mean can you imagine? Me? The rightful queen of all the land, allowing one of those mud people to touch their lips to mine? It was truly a desperate time.>

<So therefore I had no choice but to punish them for their audacity. I transferred the sleeping curse to them and placed them in an eternal nightmare where I body shame them forever! Serves them right.>

Genuinely impressed

Oh oh that that is Evil!! The whole explicitly telling somebody to break the rules and then punishing them anyways that's just *chefs kiss*. Especially since they weren’t even aware of the rules because they only existed in your head!

Such evil panache! I wish I’d thought of it

Slow realization

Wait

Wait a minute…

Wait a minute!

Evil is my thing!

Find your own thing! You're stepping on my toes! And you're stealing my kills!

I wanted to fight that shepherd! I literally spent 20% of the annual infrastructure budget for the southern provinces on a volcano lair to fight them in! My vizier almost had a stroke.

I was even getting fitted for a suit of armor this weekend! It was gonna have big spikes and like a dozen hidden daggers and a big purple cape that trailed on the floor!

Stop doing evil! You’re supposed to be good!

<Evil? Evil! Why I don’t know the meaning of the word. I’ve never stood for anything but goodness ‘n light throughout my entire life! They don't call me the good queen for nothing, anybody that called me anything else well they didn't last long. I devoted all my light magic to upholding the laws that prevent us from falling into chaos! When I look at how far this kingdom has fallen in my absence I am simply aghast! I mean have you even executed a single criminal since you took over? Even one?>

Well I wanted to do a few good old fashioned beheadings but you’d used the guillotine so much that it was broken, and I can't order new parts because I can't figure out how to spell guillotine.

Besides, I have developed a new system of criminal justice! Or Criminal injustice! As I like to call it!

<Impossible! What evil schemes has your cruel callous crooked mind designed?>

Evil laughter

Yes, now we don't execute criminals!

Oh no no no, that wouldn’t be evil, wasting perfectly good miscreants and ner ‘do wells! Now we take our prisoners and teach them valuable skills and connect them with mental health professionals! Just imagine! Cruel bloodthirsty shoplifters, jaywalkers, and double parkers, minds loaded with new valuable skills like welding or carpentry or accounting all to better aid in their devious criminal schemes that I know they are concocting as we speak!

Once they serve their time they are set loose to walk the earth and reintegrate into society! In fact they have gotten so good at hiding their true evil natures that very few of them are ever caught committing a crime again!

<No! How could you do such an evil thing? No, my first order of business after I take back the throne must be to round these devious evil secret criminals up and execute them! Why I-I’ll behead them twice! Just to show how cross I am! Right after I burn you at the stake for witchcraft!>

Do… Do you have any self awareness?

<Oh I’m very self aware. In fact I generally find myself to be the only thing worth being aware of.>

Enough of this prattle! How did you get past my orks?

<Oh they did make a valiant effort to stop me I will concede that, but I had built up quite a lot of magic in my slumber, a simple petrification spell was more than sufficient.>

You… you didn't.

<Oh but I did! And once I get some good and proper *Human* guards I’ll have them smashed up and used to pave the streets! Filthy orks have no place in my beautiful kingdom. That's why I slaughtered and banished them in the first place.>

The “Evil” queen is genuinely angry that somebody messed with her orks

You- You jerk! Nobody zaps my orks but me! You’re history!

<Then prepare ye that ride beneath the banner of evil! For the ultimate clash between darkness and light! Let the very earth shake beneath our feet as our conflict shatters the very heavens!>

Yes it is time! This ends here and now! Let the cry of war ring out through the eons! Bound by neither space nor time! Let now be the moment the universe realizes that evil shall always triumph! For good is dumb.

They begin to fight. It's a wimpy slap fight where they just go like “Ow'' or “Hey!” as they slap at eachother and occasionally there's magic sounds. At some point the evil queen shouts HABEAS CORPUS!

<Well then, I suppose that we are again evenly matched.>

Oh is that so? Why dont you check your reflection.

I think you make a rather fetching catgirl!

Extremely dramatic cry of anguish from the good queen.

<No no! It cannot be! My beautiful regal face! Desecrated forever by the ears of a cat! Oh what have I done to suffer such a cruel fate! Ville Hag! You shall pay!>

That's where you're wrong! For you see I know the true lore of magic. The power to cast spells stems from self confidence! From your image of Thyself! That's why I can just gesture dramatically, say random Latin words and know that my will shall reshape reality! Because I have such conviction that it will work even the gods of magic dare not defy me!

But you, your self image is based around being perfect, thus even a little blemish shall destroy your confidence. Your magic will no longer work for you if you see yourself as ugly. Even for an instant! You’re done for.

Dramatic Darthy vader style NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Now begone with you! I banish you forever to the swamp of semi-perpetual suffering! Where you shall be forced to wander eternally, tormented by alligators, swamp flies, overly spicy food and Zydeco music!

Si Quæris Peninsulam Amœnam Circumspice!

Good queen vanishes in a puff of smoke

Evil laughter

Well florist! I bet you thought for a moment there that my reign of terror was finally at end! That the forces of goodness ‘n light would prevail over my evil! Well I hate to inform you that my reign shall not end tonight! Now kneel! Kneel before your sovereign!

Oh you’re still frozen aren't you? Just a moment.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Freeze spell is broken

Genuinely concerned

She didn't hurt you, did she?

Not that I’m concerned or anything.

Phew-er I uh mean

Don't ask me what I was doing outside the shop! What were you doing inside the shop huh?!

Well I uh er ummm

Just a moment I feel an evil flashback coming on

Evil flashback noises

Evil queen is standing across the street from the flower shop. Her vizier is in the form of a crow due to tricking her in the last audio.

Here we are Vizier. The flower shop. Where I shall face my greatest challenge. If I fall here today vizier, tell the people I fell bravely, fighting as always to make their lives worse.

Crow noises

Yes I'm being dramatic! I'm very good at that thank you very much!

Crow noises

If you didn't want to be a crow then you shouldn't have tricked me into kidnapping my crush! All this is your fault you know!

Crow noises

Yes yes I must face the music on this one I suppose

Deep breath

Ok ok I just go in there and ask them. Like you said.

I just go in and ask them out

Alright alright here we go

She attempts to cross the street but panics and runs back, making adorkable noises

Nope nope can't do it.

I’ll just kidnap them again.

Crow noises

Don't talk to me like that! I’m evil!

I can't do this sugary cuddly shit. It goes against everything I believe in!

More crow sass

Sass me like that again and I’ll be having roasted crow for dinner!

I am not craven!

This is a whole new thing for me! I’d be asking them if they actually reciprocate! When I kidnap them and take them out with me I’m in charge, but now I’m putting myself at their mercy! Can you not understand why I might be afraid?

Reassuring Crow Noises

You know what? You’re right! I am the evil queen! Warrior without peer! Sorceress without equal! Only a fool would deny me! I’m going to go right in there and say “Florist! I am thy queen, deleverith unto me thy cuddles or face the terrible consequences!”

Fly on back to the tower Vizier! If this goes well I may even consider changing you back!

Hey what's even going on in there?

End evil flashback

Sorry those happen sometimes. What were we talking about?

Oh yes, why was I here…..

Well I uh

I am thy snuggles! Deliverith unto me thy queen!!...

No wait, that's backwards.

Oooooohhhhhh This is so hardddddd

Ok ok. Look, listen. You know how I’ve been kidnapping you every now and again?

Yes yes multiple times a week. Look what if we skipped that part and just went on a date?

Like a date date? Something just absolutely sickeningly cute, like rollerblading or a picnic or that stupid carnival I keep casting a rain spell on.

Softly and nervously (They are doing that thing where they touch their pointer fingers together)

I um want to be your girlfriend.

Florist says they don't have any royal blood

I don't care that you don't have royal blood! You can't weasel out of this that easily! I don't have any royal blood either- aside from the royal blood I keep in jars in my basement. Like all true queens I took my kingdom! Or queendom I suppose.

Besides if you were some long lost royal heir I would be legally obligated to turn you into a frog, it's part of the new constitution, I insisted on it.

Sigh

In any case I’m not asking as “The queen”

They shift back into their civilian outfit

I’m asking as the miller's daughter. I’m asking as myself. Be the person that I confide in when I’m “off the clock”. You're sweet and gentle and make me feel all warm inside. Whenever I think about you I get all bubbly and my magic goes all haywire.

Well? What do you say? You really can say no if you want, I promise.

Happy squee

Excellent! I knew you were no fool!

Now I expect to see you at the tower tomorrow at 7! Wear something nice and bring me some flowers, or else!

Oh that reminds me I know you seem to like flowers so I brought you a gift.

I wanted to try my hand at gardening so I’ve been working on something. Just a little side project, to keep me from getting too absorbed in work.

TaDa!

Behold Florist! The Black Rose of Evil!! Grown in soil from a hero's grave and watered with the tears of ten thousand widows!

That last part was hard, I had to go to every old widows home in the land and make them read sappy kids books about dogs.

Darkly beautiful is it not? With the black petals and the red stem.

Almost as darkly beautiful as myself!

Please take it. I promise it's barely cursed.

Florist takes it and accidentally pricks themselves while admiring it

Just dont- oh

Yeahhhh don't let it prick you like that.

Well florist I guess you’ll be well rested for your date

Thud

Don't worry you’ll just be out for a few hours. Unpleasant Dreams!.

Guards! Take this florist to their bed!

Sigh

Looks like I’m on my own for this one

I guess I better get back to the tower and restore those orks.

Just so I can berate them for their failures! Stupid soft loyal orks putting themselves in danger just to protect me! Not evil at all!

But first let's get you to bed

They struggle to lift up the florist fail and fall to the ground

Fuck!

-30-