Google Doc : ScriptBin

All use is encouraged. You can edit. You can paywall. You can monetize. You can trap this script in a white void and confess your love to it! Go nuts! Credit SplashiestPig.

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Key:

[ ] = Added Sound Effect; Here’s A Folder With An Effect For Every Instance!

( ) = Verbal Sound Effect

* * = Silent Insert

~ ~ = Emphasis

{ } = Line Delivery

### = In-Universe Censorship

Pilot

And this… is for Euclyia!

(shout)

*listener asks*

No. That was the last take. End of story.

*listener begs*

I don’t care how authentic that shout sounded. I’m tired, it’s late, and I’m not getting paid enough to sit in this recording booth and dub over my own lines! We’ll do a reshoot tomorrow.

*listener pleads*

I am very aware that the director won’t be happy with that. But think about it, who are they going to come down on? Their A-list lead actor, or some sound tech who can’t work a stand mic?

*listener corrects*

Potayto, Potahto. I’m leaving. Good luck tomorrow. You’ll need it when you’re explaining why this scene still isn’t done.

[soundproof door opens and closes]

*listener comments*

I’m not listening! So why don’t you stop following me, march straight on back to your little booth, put those stupid cat ear headphones on, and do whatever you gotta do to fix this before I make you hertz!

[rimshot]

*small pause*

Was that a rimshot?

*listener confirms*

Do you think this is a joke?

*listener denies*

Oh, I’m sure.

*small pause*

Ya’ know, all it would take is one word from me, and you're gone, over, career finished. So why don’t you just get out of my way, before I get rid of you?

[crowd gasps]

What the f### do you think you’re doing?

*small pause*

Wait, f###.

*small pause*

S###.

*small pause*

F###### a######, I’m going to f######-!

(groan)

How the f### are you doing that?

*listener denies*

If you think I believe even for a second that you aren’t f###### censoring me, you’ve got another thing coming.

*listener states*

You know what? No. I still don’t care. Buh-bye.

[exterior door opens]

*small pause*

Where did the f###### world go?

*listener questions*

Alright, enough is enough. I do not want to be here, I don’t want to be around you, and I am getting a headache from that bleeping sound. The prank’s over. Let me go.

*listener speaks*

See, maybe if I was the one giving that performance, I would have actually believed it. But you? You are a terrible actor, sweetheart. Stick to your day job, and get me out of here.

*listener claims*

Less talky, more getting rid of the infinite white void.

*listener states*

You really mean to tell me, you don’t have anything to do with this? So what then? The director set up a bunch of sound triggers? An overeager talent manager maybe? We’re the only people on set this late, which means you must be doing this!

*listener denies*

F### this.

(wince)

Wow, that is really starting to hurt. Could you at least turn it down a little?

*listener speaks*

Nope, not going another round at this. I’m leaving, and since the front door is all smoke and mirrors, I’ll just have to go out a window or something.

*listener yells*

Stop following me! It’s so obvious you’ve got a soundboard strapped to your thigh or something, and I’m done! The second I get out of here, I’m calling whoever it takes to get you fired! I don’t care how cute you are, you’re… gonna…

*small pause*

What happened to the set?

*listener agrees*

Would you just lay off it already? There is no way you switched out the entire set for this sitcom apartment while I was actively glaring daggers at you, which means this is a collective effort. The whole crew thinks they can pull one over on me right at the end of my contract.

*listener insists*

No. I’m not falling for it. Come on out, everyone. Your joke was dead on arrival, stop trying to sell it.

*small pause*

I’m serious!

*small pause*

(angry shout)

F###### b#######, I’m-!

(wince)

That f######-!

(pained groan)

My… are my ears bleeding?

*small pause*

How are you doing that? Why would you do any of this? This is just straight-up assault!

*listener denies*

I… I need to sit down. And you, my precious little sound editor, are going to sit right here with me. I am not letting you out of my sight until the cops are dragging your… butt to jail.

*listener speaks*

Just sit on the stupid sitcom couch. Something tells me it’s the only chair around here.

*small pause*

Alright, here we are. Clearly, exactly where you wanted us. What’s next?

*listener denies*

Fine! Say for a second, that I did believe you. You’re totally innocent. Someone’s pranking both of us. What do we have to do to leave?

*listener admits*

You’re useless.

*listener states*

Oh, I’m sorry. Was that a little mean? Almost like I’ve been in a soundproof box for four hours after shooting ended, at the bequest of the most fanatic sound tech I’ve ever met.

*listener averts*

Just be quiet. I’m still trying to get the ringing out of my ears from the bleeps.

*listener comments*

That is literally the opposite of being quiet.

*listener insists*

What are you-!

*small pause*

Oh… you’re right. The teleprompter is on.

*small pause*

Wait, is that what this is?

*listener questions*

You don’t get it? Come on, I thought you were some kind of tech nerd. You can’t put two and two together?

*listener speaks*

Well clearly, someone wants us to do a little acting for the camera.

*listener doubts*

I’m going to stop you right there. ~I~ want to go home. Which means ~you~ are going to play along. The faster we run through whatever stupid script our prankster wrote up, the faster I get out of here.

*listener denies*

Shush. We’re doing it.

*small pause*

(clear throat)

{half-hearted acting}

Wow! It sure is raining out there!

*small pause*

{angry}

It sure is raining out there!

*listener responds*

[rimshot]

{half-hearted acting}

Did you at least get the pizza?

*listener recites*

[canned laughter]

God, I can’t believe I’m doing this.

*small pause*

{half-hearted acting}

Oh well! As long as I have you, I’ll be fine!

[canned awww]

*listener responds*

Wait, no. I draw the line at a kissing scene.

*listener speaks*

Well, that was before I knew it was gonna make me kiss you.

*listener comments*

Yes, I’ve kissed my costars before! That’s different!

*listener states*

(groan)

(quick kiss)

There, happy?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Really? A buzzer and everything?

*small pause*

Fine, come here.

(kiss)

{half-hearted acting}

Easy there, Casanova. We’ve got to save something for the bedroom, don’t we?

*listener reminds*

(annoyed sigh)

{half-hearted acting}

By the way, did I taste… pineapple?

[canned laughter]

How is that even a joke?

*listener speaks*

{half-hearted acting}

Cuddle up? I’d love to!

*small pause*

Look at us. Snuggled up together, sharing an apartment. Three months ago, if you had told me I’d be pressed up against the most perfect partner I could ever ask for, I’d have assumed I adopted a dog.

[canned laughter]

Okay, that one felt a little like negging but, oh well.

*listener speaks*

Wait, what?

*listener repeats*

Oh hell no. I’m not saying that.

*listener insists*

Because I don’t! Words have meaning, and I’m not going to pour my soul into a flat-out lie.

*listener comments*

Again, yes I have done this on camera. On a real camera, for a real movie, and not some stupid prank set. I’m not gonna-!

[shotgun rack]

Woah, alright! I’ll do it!

*small pause*

{oddly heartfelt acting}

I love you too, honeybun.

[canned awww]

*listener comments*

Shut up! That’s not on the teleprompter! I’m only blushing because I commit to my roles, don’t read into it!

*listener implies*

I don’t like you. You aren’t even on my level, what with your… cute face and… stubborn persistence, and… genuine affection for those close to you…

*small pause*

Don’t look at me like that! Just go back to-!

*small pause*

Oh, the teleprompter is off. That’s good, we can just-!

*small pause*

Hey um… can you see those credits rolling behind us?

*listener confirms*

O-kay. Good to know I’m not literally going insane but… how is that possible?

*listener questions*

You know, I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t a prank.

[orchestral sting]

Great, we’ve still got sound effects.

*listener confirms*

Yeah, I really thought they’d go away once… wait, what’s happening? Why is everything zooming out?

*listener asserts*

Why aren’t you panicking! This is at best, a mutual drugging experience. The ~camera~ is panning away, the show is gonna end soon, and honestly, I have no idea what that entails for us.

*listener states*

You have no reason to believe that. This entire thing has been cursed. For all we know, when the show ends, we end!

*listener comforts*

Don’t try to comfort me! I’m scared! Like actually, scared! And platitudes from the sound tech I… you know what, I’ll say it! The sound tech I really like! Yeah, that’s right, I have a reverse celebrity crush on you. That’s the whole reason I agreed to stay late, and now we’re gonna die, so I need you to know.

*listener speaks*

I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t want it to be too obvious so I played up the whole hissy superstar thing!

*listener consoles*

Really?

*listener confirms*

Well um… if that is going to be the last thing I ever hear, I suppose that’s not the worst thing it could have been. I… I wish I had told you sooner. Maybe then we’d-!

*small pause*

Oh no. The credits! They’re ending! Ah! It’s all fading to black!

*listener speaks*

Please just, hold me! I don’t want to die alone! I don’t-!