Context: Rumor has it that a vampire that has grown tired of their immortality can reclaim their humanity by taking the life of a certain person, though it is impossible to tell who for...almost everyone. But you haven't heard of any of this. You don't even know vampires are real, so why am I telling you this? Well-.

Setting: A witch's 'hut'/Edelweiss

Tags:[FMA4A][Coy Witch Speaker][Depressed Yandere Vampire Speaker][NB Bestie Speaker][Clueless Drama Queen Listener][Magic][Angst]['Soulmate'][Turned Yandere][Moderate(?) Comedy][Obsession][Sibling Drama][TW: SUICIDAL INTENT/IDEATION]

Usage: You may tweak or record this script. Gender flipping is OK! Please credit me if you use this script in any of your projects. If you would like to use this script for a paywalled recording, please note:

Monetization: All forms of monetization are OK with me! Youtube, Patreon, etc. I would appreciate being able to listen to the recording, if possible. Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you!

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[W] = Lilith, the witch, kind of a brat.

[I] = Ivan, the depressed vampire lord, slightly less of a brat

[F] = Frankie, NB bestie, accent: Keter level threat

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**PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE TRIGGER WARNINGS AS THIS SCRIPT DEALS WITH SUICIDAL INTENT/IDEATIONS. PLEASE BE MINDFUL OF YOUR MENTAL STATE AND SPOONS, AND KNOW THAT HELP IS OUT THERE IF ANY OF WHAT IS IN THIS SCRIPT SOUNDS FAMILIAR. BE SAFE, YOU ARE LOVED <3**

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[Scene opens within a witch’s hut…oddly settled between two corporate buildings]

[SFX: A Halloween stock spooky cackle and a door opening]

[A seemingly young man steps into a witch’s hut that is oddly sat between two corporate buildings. A young woman waits for him in the parlor]

[W] “Well, well… Who comes to visit the wicked witch of the woods?”

[I] “You mean the Witch of International Boulevard?”

[The witch glares]

[W] “Eugh, I hate the snippy customers… What do you want, my Lord, hmmm? Potions? Spells? A palm reading, perhaps?”

[The young man turns to her, almost defeated]

[I] “Lilith, I am coming to you because I want to revoke my vampirism and live out the human life that was taken from me. I am tired… I am done.”

[The witch’s coy smile fades, yet she remains neutral]

[W] “Oh, my Lord, of course… I can sympathize with wanting to regain your humanity after you’ve had your fill of living. It’s a very common request I get, here in my little magic shop. It is quite costly, however…”

[I] “I care not about the cost, Lilith. And please, can you not treat me as your brother? It’s been centuries…”

[The witch sighs]

[W] “You’re no fun… Very well, Ivan, dearest older brother, and professional fun-killer. Normally, it would cost a cool million. But, for you…. Two million. Or three blood rubies, hmhm. Your call.”

[Ivan rolls his eyes and digs into his pockets, throwing three orange-sized, flawless rubies on the table]

[SFX: The rubies clattering onto the table]

[I] “Hmph. Cheeky brat, as always. Truthfully, Lilith, I have no more strength to have our petty quarrels… I know it’s the only way you know how to show affection, but I am just…exhausted…”

[Lilith eases a little, tone sympathetic]

[W] “...I know… I’m sorry I haven’t made things that much easier on you, but… I respect your wish to depart.”

[I] “Thank you… Now, what needs to be done?”

[W] “Well, first-”.

[SFX: Her snapping her fingers]

[She snaps her fingers and the shop falls into darkness, save for her, Ivan, and the table]

[W] “Mmh, there we go! Nice and dark here in the endless void, mmh? Hmhm. The method of regaining your humanity is that you must take the life of a particular person. Drain them until their soul is freed and forced into your own. Then, you will have their life and expiration date for yourself.”

[I] “And the catch…?”

[W] “The catch is that there’s literally only one way to tell, and that is by scrying through the Veil itself. That place… operates off of a different magic than ours. Void magic… Our magic doesn’t understand how to block it, and no one has found a way. It’s overwhelming, and it comes at the cost of well…the unknown.”

[I, eyebrow raised] “The unknown…?”

[W] “Mmhm. Scrying through it will make it notice that I’m intruding. It will slither its massive, alien form my way only *just* hidden by the shade, and will rumble, ‘Why are you here?’. I’ll answer it, probably after vomiting, and it will nod its massive, horrible head and allow me to do as I wish. But, the moment I get what I want, a cost is applied to the spell. The cost is random…”

[I] “Bloody Hell, of course… Also, I’m making you another appointment with Dr. Felidae. You’re talking squirrely again.”

[W] “HA! You WISH you could hear the language of the squirrels! Regardless, those are the two paths… Either you search the world and hope that *somehow*, you’ll know when you see the right person. Or, I scry and you maybe risk the potential of your ‘soulmate’ being a bear or a sea lion. Or can only speak at yelling volume. Or is just really rude to waiters?”

[I, sighing] “Just scry, Lilith. Please.”

[SFX: A musical sting to signify the supernatural]

[W, voice taking on a mystic effect] “As you wish.”

[SFX: A portal opening and general dark magic shenanigans]

[W] “I’VE OPENED THE PORTAL!”

[I] “I NOTICED!!”

[W] “HANG ON! I’M MAKING A MIRROR PORTAL SO YOU CAN SEE WHILE I SCRY. BIG STEVIE HASN’T COME OVER YET SO-!”

[I] “WHAT??? BIG STEVIE?!”

[W] “I’M HACKING INTO THE MAINFRAME! SHUT UP AND START LOOKING WHILE I HONE IN!”

[I] I-Ugh, fine…”

[W] “WHAT?!”

[I] “NOTHING! For fuck’s sake… Fine. Please, whatever dark gods are watching this… Please show me who I must kill.”

[SFX: Extended dark magic shenanigans/ominous music, if preferred]

[Pause to fill with SFX as Lilith concentrates]

[W] “Mmmh….AH! I GOT SOMETHING! HANG ON!”

[I, overjoyed] “You did? Oh, thank all that punish people who cut in line! May I see them?”
[W] “WHAT?! HANG ON, I’M GONNA HONE IN SO YOU CAN SEE THEM!!”

[SFX: The magic escalating]

[The portal closes in, focusing more and more until it reveals the key to his salvation at last…You]

[I] “I-I… I see them…”

[W] “WHAT?! SHUT UP, I’M TRYING TO GET CLUES FROM WHERE THEY’RE WALKING SO I CAN GET A LOCATION!”

[Lilith puts her hands on her hips and looks around expectantly]

[W] “Huh… Well, the spell was successful, but your target seems perfectly lovely and…mostly normal? Nothing blew up… None of my panic alarms on my phone and seven other phones are going off, so what could…”

[Pause]

[W] “...Ivan? Are you alright? You’ve been staring at them for almost ten minutes now…”

[I, breathless] “...I’ve never seen someone so perfectly, wonderfully flawed… Their smile… That little awkward hand gesture when they almost bumped into someone… By God…”

[W] “Um…”

[I] “Gods, I feel… A-Ah… I feel as though I can’t breathe….”

[W, concerned] “Ivan… You’re a vampire, you don’t need to breathe…”

[Pause]

[I] “...I want to wed them.”

[W] “Uhhhhhhh…”

[I] “I want to turn them so that I can truly experience life as I should have!”

[W] “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

[I] “Please… Could you tell me where they are? I’d so like to meet them properly.”

[W, immensely concerned] “Ivan… You’ve been through this before, and you know it didn’t end well for you…”

[I] “Lilith. Their location, please.”

[W] “...Of course…Here… See that building in the background where they’re walking. That’s Edelweiss. Explains the fashion choice, hmhm. Afraid I can’t do much better than that, the library’s closing over here.”

[SFX: The portal slamming shut and Lilith groaning]

[I] “No!”

[W] “Huhwuh?!”

[I, dejected] “No… I wanted to keep looking at them…”

[Lilith examines him for a moment, the gears turning in her head, before she goes rigid and utters a single, stern:]

[W] “Oh, fuck.”

[I, sadly] “My target…”

[W] “...Wow, the universe has a fucked-up sense of humor… If I’m reading this right, the cost of knowing their presence was that the universe, um… decreed thee a ‘yandere’.”

[I] “Excuse me???”

[W] “Yeah, I have literature about it somewhere, don’t worry.”

[I] “No, I don’t care about whatever that… thing you said is. I need to find them, now!”

[W] “W-Wait-!”

[I] “I’ll call you later!”

[SFX: Ivan teleporting away]

[W] “Wait, Ivan! You’ve been turned into a fricking yandere!”

…

[Hundreds of miles away, if not thousands, you’re on your daily route. The day is warm, for once, and you’re trying to enjoy it when the air around your neck turns as cold as ice]

[SFX: Rasping breath and the Listener spilling some things]

[You jump as something ice cold rasps against your neck and drop some of your groceries. Your friend stops ahead of you]

[F] “Oy, you OK? You just spilled half your damned grapes!”

[...]

[Frankie jogs over to you and helps you stand]

[F] “Ah, c’mon, up you get. Here’s what you spilled]

[SFX: A bag for the groceries rustling as it’s refilled]

[F] “There, everything is back in the bag. Five-second rule on the grapes, hopefully… You alright? You look genuinely unnerved…”

[P-Pause…]

[F] “You feel like you’re being watched…? Aw, c’mon, Kitt. We’re square in the center of a big city, everyone is in their own world.”

[...]

[Frankie throws an arm around your shoulder and winks]

[F] “C’mere, under my arm. There ya are… Look, I’m not saying you watch too many true crime shows… but-”.

[Pause.]

[They laugh]

[F] “Aye, you watch too many true crime shows. I’m here, alright? You know I’m a protective bastard for anyone who feeds me well. C’mon, let’s head to the park so we can help with setup. Any ‘stalkers’ are going to see us doing park theater shit and immediately nope out.”

[Pause???]

[F] “Pffft, really? You’re offended that a hypothetical stalker would be turned off by you being a theater dork?”

[Pause.]

[F] “Lord, you were built for drama. It’s your fucking love language or whatever. I have no idea how that shit works, though. Being aro-ace may seem boring to you, but I am freaking *living* being married to myself.”

[<3]

[They grin and ruffle your hair]

[F] “Shut up. C’mon, move your overdramatic ass, we have nerd shit to do!”

[You hurry off with them, excited for the day. You just wish it wasn’t so damned cold…]

[To be continued]

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Note: BOOM! GET SPOILED BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ALL!

Second Note: Rephrased less aggressively: I feel I did pretty OK on this one because you all inspired me to push through the funk I was in <3 TYSM for all you guys do.