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[Unsure] Hey, uh, you’ve met my new friend, right?

[Pause]

Yeah, the one who always carries around that switchblade. I’ve noticed some things lately, and I’m not really sure if I’m just getting in my head about it. So I figured, since you’ve met her, maybe you could tell me what you think?

[Pause]

Scared of her? Are you kidding? She’s like, the nicest person I’ve ever met.

[Pause]

Well, she’s nice to me anyway. It’s just, um, the way she looks at me sometimes and the things she says. Her hugs are always just a little too long and…I’m starting to think maybe she likes me?

[Pause]

[Upset, increasingly anxious] Don’t laugh at me. It’s not funny. Ugh…I’m totally overthinking this, right? She’s not into me at all. It’s just wishful thinking and —

[Pause]

[Skeptical] You think she’s obsessed with me? No, she isn’t.

[Pause]

Sure, we’re in the same clubs and stuff. And I do bump into her a lot around town, but we have similar interests and we’re practically neighbors. That isn’t that weird.

[Pause]

Okay, yes, I can see why her threatening you like that would freak you out a little, but she’s just really protective of her friends. At least, I assume she would be if she had more friends. I’m not sure why she doesn’t, honestly. She’s awesome.

[Pause]

I wouldn’t consider her overprotective.

[Pause]

Yeah, I remember that time a guy tried to grope me and she broke his fingers. Kind of hard to forget. I think that’s the moment I really started crushing on her. It was weirdly hot, and then she just walked up to the bar and got me a glass of water like she hadn’t broken bones over me. [Dreamy] God, she’s such a badass.

You know what? I’m gonna ask her out. If I think she likes me and you think she’s like…I don’t even know…some crazy stalker? Then she probably likes me.

[Pause]

No, we aren’t already dating. Why would you think that?

[Pause]

I’m pretty sure I would know if we were dating.

[Pause]

Maybe she called me her girlfriend, but she probably meant that platonically.

[Pause]

[Defensive] Okay, that was one time. I wasn’t gonna make her sleep on the couch, and it’s a pretty big bed. It’s not like we were hooking up or whatever. We didn’t even cuddle. At least, not while we were awake. But I move around a lot in my sleep, so that isn’t proof of anything.

[Pause]

She does call me darling a lot, yeah, but she’s just really big on pet names and stuff. Words of affirmation is totally her love language. She’s always saying we’re soulmates or calling me love or pumpkin or sweetheart or…wait, are we dating?

[Pause]

[Sheepish] I know, I know. It’s just, when I say it all out loud like…in a row…it does kind of paint a picture.

[Pause]

Do I like her? Yeah, duh. I mean, she’s gorgeous and cool and such a loyal friend, and she thinks I’m pretty. Of course I like her.

[Pause]

Please, like you haven’t overlooked bigger red flags. I met your ex.

[Pause]

Yeah, well, if I get ax-murdered, you can tell me “I told you so.”

[Pause]

Screw it. I’m calling her.

[Deep breath. Whispered] You’ve got this, [Your Name]. You’ve got this. You are so — [Cheery] Hey!

[Nervous Rambling] I, um, I just…I don’t know, I just wanted to talk to you about something, and maybe I’m totally being crazy. Because I care about you so much and you’re such a good friend and I don’t wanna mess that up and — No. No, no, no, no, no. I am not breaking up with you. I am like, the opposite of breaking up with you. I want to keep dating. I want to date you so much.

[Embarrassed, Shy] I just didn’t, exactly, know that was what we were doing?

[Pause]

[Vulnerable, Sweet] Do you want to meet up and talk and…we’ve been on how many dates now? You definitely owe me a first kiss.

Right now, I’m hanging out with—

[Pause]

Oh, how’d you know? And you’re right around the corner? Well, see you in a few, I guess.

[Pause]

[Playful] Dude, shut up. She’s not stalking me. [Infatuated] God, I don’t even care if she’s stalking me. I kinda want to stalk her right now. I literally just wanna be with her all the time.

[Excited] I think I have a girlfriend.