Part 1

Context: Some dumb werewolf stole and ate one of your chickens a few months ago, then tried to challenge you on your own property. Your. Own. Property. You set him straight, but he came back with his father, the Alpha werewolf. You set him straight, too, but it appears he's returned.

Setting: The forest

Tags:[MM4F][Father Werewolf Speaker][Werewolf Hunter Speaker][Hillbilly of Ill Temper Listener][Alpha Werewolf][Mild Comedy][Fight][Rednecks & Werewolves][Wholesome?][Apology][Flirting?][Get Off My Property][Batshit Insane Listener?][CW: Angry Hillbilly Combat]

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[K] = King, the Alpha werewolf and single dad

[H] = An unfortunate werewolf hunter

[Scene opens on your porch in mid-morning]

[SFX: Morning swamp ambiance]

[The quiet of the morning is interrupted by a familiar voice]

[K] “Ah, morning, ma’am. Been a while.”

[You open your eyes to see the werewolf father from a few months back lingering uncertainly outside of your fence]

[SFX: The flamethrower clicking on]

[K] “Wait, wait, wait! I brought a peace offering! Look, see?”

[SFX: A chicken clucking]

[K] “Brought you a chicken, just like I promised. Even used what little human money I had to buy her legitimately from another farmer. She’s, ah… a little on the dumb side, but was about all I could afford…”

[...]

[He perks as you beckon him in]

[K] “Come in? That’s right kind of you, ma’am. Um… What do I call you, by the way?”

[...]

[K] “Char? Heh, yeah, fair enough. Name’s King. You met Bishop already, he’s my youngest. Rook’s the oldest, and Knight and Tower are my middle-children twin terrors.”

[Pause?]

[He frowns]

[K] “Why are we all named after Chess pieces? Issat where that comes from? Ah Hell, I don’t know… The farmer I bought that chicken from actually helped foster some of us when we were young and sickly. She was the one that named us, and she did like that checkerboard game. Always laughed when we’d chew on the pieces as pups.”

[Pause]

[K] “I’d, um… yeah, sweet tea sounds nice. Here, I’ll set Clucks here down.”

[SFX: A chicken derping around]

[You pour him some tea and sit back in your porch chair. He sits in the one next to you after a moment of hesitation]

[K] “Thanks… So, I gotta ask-”.

[Pause.]

[K] “No, I wasn’t gonna ask if you were single again! It’s just, you got all these contraptions out here that it looks like you built yourself. How come you’re out here in the swamps and not working in one of your fancy human cities?”

[Pause.]

[K] “Didn’t like it. Huh. Fair enough.”

[You both drink your tea in silence for a bit. It’s not an awkward silence, to your surprise]

[K] “...Seems like you like bein’ out here by yourself. Worries me, though… If something happens and no one is around… Well, I can say that Chubbs and Brutus would probably eat your body ‘fore we ever found you.”

[Pause]

[King snorts]

[K] “Oh, I’m sure they’d appreciate the meal… Still, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to stop in every so often. Check-in, you know?”

[...?]

[K] “Why am I concerned about someone that tried to burn me alive? Enh, werewolves… I guess we’re different. We’re used to playing rough, so when we square up against something that can hold its own, it’s kind of like making a new friend. Hell, when I was a pup, I managed to beat an escaped circus bear. Was my best friend for years.”

[Pause]

[K] “Oh, hell no, he tried to bite me every chance he got. Maybe I need some lessons from you, huh? You seem to get critters enough that they’re drawn to you naturally. Fights get us riled up! They can be a lot of fun, assuming they’re fair ones.”

[SFX: A crossbow bolt whistling through the air]

[King recoils as a bolt hits him in the shoulder without warning, snarling in pain]

[K] “GAH! And now I’m gettin’ shot, Jesus! Can’t have a normal time on this damned property!”

[Pause!]

[A new voice calls out, trying to be commanding]

[H] “Quickly, move aside, ma’am! Before the werewolf has a chance to hurt you!”

[Pause!!!]

[SFX: A fanboat coasting to a stop]

[A relatively nice fanboat pulls to shore and you see a young man in all black aiming a crossbow at King]

[H] “I’m a werewolf hunter, don’t worry! Just stand aside and I can put it down!”

[Pause!!!]

[The man pauses as you swear and rage at him, confused]

[H] “Get… off of your property? Ma’am, there’s an Alpha werewolf sitting on your porch, I think you need to get your head checked. Now, stand aside!”

[SFX: The flamethrower clicking on]

[H] “W-Why, um… Why do you have a flamethrower…?”

[K] “Cause she aims to throw flames, you fuckin’ idiot! And you best hope I don’t get you first for trying to attack me!”

[Pause!]

[The werewolf hunter looks between the two of you for a moment, clearly weighing his options]

[H] “...You’d fetch a pretty penny, werewolf… And a bolt could sink between your eyes before you could take me down…”

[Pause!!!]

[King growls and grabs the bolt out of his shoulder, yanking it free]

[K] “You’re denser than Bishop, boy! The bolt barely drew blood! Do they not teach you that werewolf skin is thick as Hell in whatever fucking school teaches idiots how to hunt creatures that could take their head off with one claw?!”

[SFX: The flamethrower blaring very briefly]

[...]

[K] “...Run, boy. You get ten seconds ‘fore I come after your scrawny ass!”

[Pause!!!]

[You charge forward again, daring him to shoot, marching with purpose]

[K] “Oop, well, three seconds, according to her. RUN, BOY!”

[SFX: The flamethrower really going]

[K, panicked] “Yer crazy! Yer fucking crazy!”

[Pause!]

[He hurriedly turns his fanboat around and desperately races off]

[SFX: A fleeing fanboat]

[King grumbles, rubbing his shoulder]

[K] “That’ll learn him, hopefully… Or he’ll come back with more hunters… Damnit, I shouldn’t have let him go! Could’ve gotten information out of him!”

[Pause!]

[K] “‘Scuse me? What do you mean ‘get in your fanboat’?”

[You gesture to your own fanboat, a bit more rusted and old. King’s ears almost go flat]

[K] “Oh Hell… I hate those damned things, so godamned loud!”

[SFX: Them starting the fanboat and some chains being shifted]

[Pause!]

[K] “Um, Char? Why are you grabbin’ them chains?”

[Pause.]

[K] “Drive?! What in the Hell makes you think I can-?!”

[PAUSE!!!]

[K] “I KNOW YOU AIN’T CALLIN’ ME A COWARD, WOMAN! I’LL SHOW YOU A COWARD!”

[He lets out a howl and slams on the pedal]

[SFX: A fanboat speeding forward and chains rattling]

[You ground yourself, holding the chain tightly against you. Together, you speed after the hunters]

[Pause!!!!]

[The hunter looks back at you in abject terror]

[H] “Jesus Christ, you’re fucking crazy! YOU’RE FUCKING CRAZY!”

[You gesture to your eyes, then his, before throwing the chain like a lasso. It snaps around the poor man’s waist and the momentum jerks him backward into your grasp]

[H] “AUGH!”

[SFX: A fanboat skidding out of control and crashing]

[K] “Godamn, you got him! Lassoed him with chains, no less, you are fucking CRAZY! Think his leg might be a little broken but you get what you give, you little bastard! I ought to take your head off right this second!”

[H, in shock] “How… how did you lasso me off of a moving fanboat with a rusty chain…?”

[K] “This one’s crazy, boy. Now… what do we do with you, Mr. Werewolf Hunter.”

[SFX: Fanboat blades spinning]

[Pause!]

[K] “...As much as I love your murderous intent, and I really do, I reckon throwing him into the propeller might be overkill.”

[...]

[You throw the poor man into King’s arms and steer your fanboat back to your property]

[H, sniffling] “I don’t get it, why are you helping werewolves?! You’re human, too!”

[Pause]

[K] “Reckon she likes critters more than things that can talk. I fall into an interesting gray area between the two… I think. Either way should’ve been born a lazy mountain lion or a smart-mouthed gator, mister.”

[H] “W-What are you gonna do to me, now?”

[...]

[King sighs]

[K] “Well, not kill you, I guess… Fine, Char. If you want him spared fer bein’ an idiot, then I’ll spare him once I’m done questionin’ him as to how and why he could be dumb enough to come out here by his lonesome.”

[H] “The bounties on y’all are good pay! It wasn’t anything personal, I promise! I’m just trying to make a living!”

[Pause!]

[K] “Easy, easy, Char! He’s gonna piss himself at this point, and I ain’t got spare pants for the little shit… Yer comin’ with me, Hunter. I made a promise to this one to spare you, so you best be thankful.”

[The Hunter falls silent, seemingly in shock]

[K] “...Welp, ah… Hell of a morning.”

[Pause]

[K] “Eyup, I had a right fun time as well. Oh, uh… ‘fore I go. I brought you this here flower… It, um... Got a little crushed in my pocket, though… Sorry.”

[He offers a buttercup and you accept]

[K] “...Weeelp. I best be headin’. Y’all have a good day, ma’am.”

[He grabs the hunter by the scruff of his coat and turns to go]

[...Pause.]

[K] “Huh? What do you mean ‘You are’?”

[Pause.]

[His eyebrows raise but he does his best to give nothing away]

[K] “You… are single. Huh…”

[...]

[K] “...I, uh… Ahem! Y’all have a good day!”

[SFX: King hurrying off]

[He lumbers off hurriedly with the poor hunter, leaving you in peace. And a chicken that appears a little too fascinated with her new bobcat sibling]

[To be continued?]

Note: The Only Thing They Fear Is You but in aggressive banjos.