Part 1 Part 2

Context: You are the villainess Vixen, known to be able to topple empires with a simple sway of your hips. People assume a lot about you, and you're largely happy to let them. It is a lonely life, though. No one to share your riches with, no one to share a glass of wine with, not even someone to watch memes with. The only company you usually get is in the form of heroes trying to stop you. They're fun, you suppose, but not much different from normal people. Ah well. You're sure the right person will come along eventually. And then he did. One problem: he’s a hero.

Setting: A house for waffles

Tags: [MM4F][Enemies to Lovers][Nerdy Hero Speaker][Devious Villainess Listener][Hero x Villain][Nerds][Spicy][Flirting][The Real You][Reverse Comfort][Comfort][Light Comedy][You're My Boyfriend Now ;3][CW: Spicy Themes]

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[G] = Gradius, the cutest hero alive [P] = Phil, Quandry agent and kind of a Grinch

[Scene opens at a house for waffles]

[SFX: Mid-morning chain dining ambiance]

[Your favorite hero sits across from you, holding your hand while he picks at his waffles]

[G] “...Vixen?”

[Pause?]

[G] “...You know this can’t last, right?”

[Pause]

[G] “You… seem nonchalant about that… Would you not miss me?”

[Pause!]

[He tries to hide his pout. Tries]

[G] “Shut up, I am not a soft boy! I just… I don’t want to hurt you, even if I realistically can’t. And I don’t want the others to try and harm you either, but you’re public enemy number one. Also, are you usually this nihilistic?”

[Pause]

[G] “Huh? Absurdist nihilism…?”

[Pause]

[G] “Where you say ‘life doesn’t matter, fuck it, let’s have a laugh’? I… W-Wow, you’re so hot…”

[<3]

[A new voice echoes from his cute little shirt pocket, apparently thinking it can’t be heard]

[P] “Gradius! For fuck’s sake, focus!”

[Gradius jumps with a yelp]

[G] “G-Guh! S-Sorry, Phil, I forgot the camera feed was…on…”

[...]

[P] “...”

[G] “Was… Be real with me, Phil… was it on all of last night…?”

[SFX: Some muffled giggling in the background]

[P] “I, um… Look, Gwen in R&D just wanted me to tell you ‘Nice’. She wants a high-five. And to know if Vixen is the poly sort.”

[G] “N-No!”

[<3]

[G] “Vixen! Arlglr, l-look, I’m working with her now, Phil! We’re having waffles like civilized adults after an, um… intimate night together… o-of love-making…”

[<3 <3 <3]

[G, pouting] “Vixxxeeennn! I am not ‘soft boi’ or ‘sweet boi’ or ‘h-handsome boi’!”

[</3]

[G] “...I would like to apologize. Please don’t do sad eyes anymore, I think it’s actively harming me and my quality of life.”

[P] “Can we focus, please? You can play ‘Stutter Daddy’ later.”

[G] “I AM BEING BULLIED AND HARASSED IN MY PLACE OF BUSINESS-”.

[SFX: Mildly concerned diner noises]

[P] “Be straight with me, Vixen. What do you want in order to surrender successfully?”

[Pause]

[P] “...Need more convincing, do you? To, what, behave yourself until we can arrange for a team to escort you, peacefully, to a trial with Quandry officials?”

[Pause]

[Phil sighs. Gradius is still panicking]

[P] “...What do you want?”

[Pause]

[P] “...Seriously?”

[G] “W-Wait, seriously???”

[P] “You just want to spend time with Gradius until you’re arrested. That’s… really? He’s Class 4. We have stronger heroes. Hell, we have hotter villains! The poor boy isn’t a lapdog, Vixen, even with his unimpressive resume. Just because that nerd act fools you doesn’t mean he’s going to be capable of keeping you placated!”

[G] “...ow, my feelings.”

[...]

[P] “I am not insulting him, I am stating facts. If you did get with a stronger specimen, think of how powerful the child might be! You could help us make great strides toward better understanding Capes and Cowls alike.”

[G] “Phil. She is not a broodmare. She is not a fucking experiment. S-She’s… my Vixen!”

[...<3]

[G] “Y-Yeah, woo! I stood up to the commanding general of the Quandry… oh shit.”

[P] “Yes, you did. Do not forget, Gradius, you can be dealt with remotely at any time. Please do not make me do that.”

[You see your lover(?) subtly reach up and touch his chest]

[G] “I-I…”

[...]

[You see red]

[SFX: A shirt being yanked]

[G] “V-Vixen, why are you grabbing my shirt?!”

[You stare into the camera in his shirt pocket. See your own twisted smile reflected]

[P] “...Fuck. FUCK! Shut down all sound systems! High-grade headphones on, NOW!”

[SFX: Slightly muffled alarms and chaos]

[P] “COVER YOUR EARS! COVER YOUR EARS, FOR GOD’S SAKE! NO, I CAN ALREADY HEAR IT!”

[SFX: Ramped up chaos and screaming]

[P] “Oh God…”

[SFX: A pause in the chaos]

[P] “No… God is dead. It’s fucking CHRISTMAS MUSIC!”

[SFX: Explosive chaos before the feed is cut]

[G] “...Did… you just hypnotize them into thinking they were in a dying mall during Christmas season?”

[<3]

[He stares at you for a moment before his nervous tone turns a little sultry]

[G] “Holy shit… I think I love you.”

[<3 <3 <3]

[He kisses you, tasting of strawberry waffles and creme. It’s very pleasant]

[G] “Wow… Um, I don’t mean to cut this romantic moment short, but… they’re going to set off the mechanism in my heart that’ll kill me in three seconds flat. Makes it look like a heart attack… but it keeps us under control. Heroes and villains perform like wrestlers at a big show, cheered on by many a drunken fan. It’s all… fake.”

[Pause]

[G] “Of course, you know a guy. Not even surprised. If you told me that you ran into strip clubs and took all the money for yourself by dancing on stage, wouldn’t even blink.”

[...]

[G] “...You gave the money to the working girls, didn’t you?”

[<3]

[He shakes his head, smiling]

[G] “Pretty heroic and noble for the mighty Vixen… Methinks she might have a soft spot for helping those in need?”

[Pause]

[G] “Oof! You sensed I needed you last night, ouch!”

[<3]

[G] “Heh, yeah. I’m not complaining. I feel so comfortable around you that, honestly, I’m relieved I don’t have to focus on my mission as much… somewhat… I don’t know. I think I’m still a little starstruck just meeting you.”

[Pause]

[G] “Yeah, we should finish our waffles and then go see your guy, huh?”

[Pause]

[G] “...He mentioned that I might not be trustworthy and I think I know why.”

[Pause]

[He pats your hand with a sad smile]

[G] “I know I don’t have to talk about it if I don’t want to. But, I do… I told you that, before I was a Cape, I was a small-time crook rigging games to make money and all. I, um… wasn’t super small time, is the short of it. I did a lot of bad things out of fear of ever being homeless again. I… hurt people, and it scares me that I still feel so little… I just… I hope you don’t think I’m garbage, now.”

[You rest your hand on his chest and he sighs]

[Pause]

[G] “...You don’t like hurting people either… Heh. It’s… kind of weird to just find your soul mate like this, huh? Shit, Oh my God, that was SO inappropriate! I am so so sorry! There’s a guy in the Cape city we’re locked in named Weeaboo Larry or… something like that. He’s had me, the new receptionist, and Azaleon over for anime nights and that was so yandere but I swear I’m not!”

[...]

[You must cuddle. Is baby]

[G] “I… wasn’t expecting a hug after that immense social fail but… I’ll count my blessings. No complaints here, no ma’am.”

[Pause]

[He smiles, in a daze]

[G] “...Super awkward but I really like you telling me what to do. Not having to think through all the possible things that could go wrong is really, really nice.”

[<3 <3 <3]

[G] “Heh, well, um… I’ll settle up the check and we’ll go see about not having my heart broken. Explodin’. We’ll go see about not having my heart heartxplodin’, oh for FUCK’S sake! I’ll meet you outside, OK?”

[<3]

[G] “Oh, stop with the compliments, I’m gonna melt in public!”

[<3 <3 <3]

[SFX: Them getting out of the booth]

[G, grumbling] “Heart IS gonna explode at this rate. Oy vey, I am in SO much trouble.”

[<3]

[He rolls his eyes, good-natured]

[G] “Yeah, yeah, love you, too.”

[To be continued??!?!?]