If you want to credit me, I am @EmeraldAshesAudio on YouTube.

Anyone else see the r/relationships post that inspired this one before it got deleted?

Hey! How you doing, bestie?

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What’s all this? Long story short, I put together some materials, a pie chart, and a short presentation for today.

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I mean, the baristas aren’t complaining, and nobody’s asked me to leave yet. So I figure it’s cool.

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Oh, no, no, no. This is not a pyramid scheme. Or an MLM or whatever they’re calling them nowadays. Uh-uh. I would never. Those are so predatory towards women.

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I’m not trying to sell you anything…Okay, on second thought, I’m sort of trying to sell you something, but it doesn’t cost money.

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No, wait. Relax. It’s totally fine. Look, let me just cut to the chase: We should get married.

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Okay, I can see you’re confused. That’s why I put together a presentation. Let’s just rewind the tape. Do you want coffee? I can get you coffee. No? Okay, maybe later.

So, in short, let’s look at your past relationships. That's where the pie chart comes in. You’ll notice a pattern here. Right. Exactly. You date losers.

I’m not entirely sure why you date so many losers. I have some theories, but I don’t think you’ve done enough introspection to really confirm or deny any of them. If you had, you probably would have broken the cycle by now.

I know that you’re career-focused, so you prefer a relationship that doesn’t ask too much of you in the domestic space. Completely understandable. Ideally, you would have a partner who lightens your load at home. Instead, you choose someone who on a surface level seems low commitment but ultimately ends up slowly draining your energy and adding to your overall stress levels.

For example, your current boyfriend. Assuming you haven’t broken up with him? No? Not yet? Cool, perfect example, then. Look me in the eyes. Can you genuinely tell me that he is adding to your life? [Pause] Thought so.

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You’re right. I don’t have the best dating history, either. I give too much. I let people take advantage of me. That’s why I need a partner who is independent and self-sufficient and won’t lean on me until I break.

That is the beauty of a potential marriage between the two of us. Neither of us is a leech. Both of us are giving partners. Both of us deserve a wife like the woman sitting across the table right now.

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Hmm? You thought I was straight? Of course I am. I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.

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I mean, I guess we could open up the marriage if you really want that. Personally, I would rather remain faithful to our vows.

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What? No, I would never expect anything physical from you. Are you kidding? But, y’know, if something happens, it happens. Sometimes you’re three margaritas deep and you fall into another woman’s eyes and then you’re making out on the couch, and there’s nothing gay about that.

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So, round two on the proposal? No? Okay, maybe that was a little sudden of me. My bad. I 100% understand if you want to take some time to think about it and break up with your loser boyfriend. Here, take a pamphlet. My card. The ring, maybe? Just to try it on. See how it fits? No? That’s totally fine.

Talk to you later, bestie. Love you!