I'm a single 29(M) I have been seeing prositutes for a little over 10 years. I never dated while doing this and tried to be a good person while navigating this sketchy industry. There had been good outcomes, bad outcomes and horrible outcomes that have happened to me while doing this.

I really thought it would have been one of the horrible outcomes to get me to stop, it would only make sense right? Maybe to saner man but I suppose a saner man would not have been drawn to this sketchy vice to begin with.

Let me get to the point, I met a woman while doing this and had the greatest and most intimate interaction I have ever had in my life out of say 300 women.

I don't think I can do this anymore.

I have been in therapy for a few months and mentioned that I had this vice, I used to wrestle with it and struggle to quit, I figured I would go through some major efforts to stop but now I don't think I could continue even if I wanted to. The woman is leaving the country in a couple of months, I have not asked her to stay, she has not asked me to follow.

I told her I only want to speak to her more to know her better, she seems like the type of person I would have known even if we didn't meet in this way. Last time we met we just held eachother and she cried while apologizing for us meeting in this way, and we just looked into eachothers eyes and her pupils were softly dilating. I am going to miss her when she goes.

No interaction I have doing this vice will ever come close again, even though it can happen anywhere this simply is not where you go to find human intimacy. Ask me question, judge me a bit or not, I'll answer anything, I just wanted to get this off of my chest.

I guess that is it after 10 years.

EDIT: I'm still trying to get to everyone's questions in the chat but I also wanted to say I have recieved some questions and messages about how to seek out escorts, and I had gotten a question asking if it was worth it for someone who struggles to speak to women and I wanted to post my answer here.

Q: As someone who struggle with woman and is considering starting seeing prostitutes, was it worth it? Or would you tell other men to don't even start?

A: Absolutely do not do it, some guys have messaged me asking me for a how to on how to see escorts, I need to make an edit to this with a giant disclaimer to not follow the way I have been.

When I was younger at 18-19 I was very awkward and bad speaking to not just women but to everyone, I could barely articulate myself and had very few friendships. Over time not just with them but with everyone I started to get better at expressing my words, articulating myself clearly and making jokes and friends. What seeing escorts did for me was taking the idea of sex off of a pedestal because all that really remains after that is the person in front of you, I honestly forget a lot of the physical sensation of the sex, the part that stayed with me were the conversations that were had with them afterwards, and if we could understand eachother a bit more honestly.

I should have just gone to therapy, I should have learned not to be such a damned workaholic and perhaps my insomnia wouldn't be as bad as it is today. Today I have many friends both men and women that are very kind to me, I wonder what kind of person I would have been if I had just been strong enough to resist the initial urge. Because every time I got away with it, it became easier to keep doing.

Starting this is like trying coke, maybe you'll have a god time but at best you'll now have a coke addiction. And I wouldn't recommend that too anyone. I think my demeanor, friends, and therapy have kept me from being too far gone but I have scrambled some things in my mind, for what? Sex? I have met some really kind people while doing this but you are better suited for meeting kinder people elsewhere.

If I could have gone back to when I had first stated I would have smacked myself as hard as I could, given myself a hug and told myself to try to learn to be passionate, kinder and more attentive. To submerse yourself in things you care about instead of just being owned by your lust. I had been joking lamenting about the likely 100k I have blown while doing this but screw the money that can be made back with time, to do this well you need to deaden yourself to emotional intimacy, and the thing that has made me jolt to the realization that I have been a dumbass for a decade is the result of an emotional compass that has just recently started to work again.

You'll do fine dude, just try to make good friend, find things you care about and build good relationships with people, women will come naturally if you can do that.

And to add to that last bit, I can't say with certainty that they will come, they might with time, maybe not at the pace you want but if you can do other things you will at least have something more precious to preoocupy your time with

Oh and to the questions asking how much did I spend, me and some other commenters had discussed it a bit as I am too scared to do the real math on it but it may be closer t oli like 90-110k, so yeah please don't repeat my dumbass mistakes.

I'll keep trying to respond to people in the comments