I met my friend Jan a year and a half ago through a website that connects pet sitters and people who need them. I was trying to save money by house sitting instead of paying rent at the time (I’d been doing it for several years at that point). We hit it off and after I sat for her, she asked me to live with her as her “dog nanny” until I got an apartment. She has 5 dogs and a cat and she’s constantly waking the dogs. They are also talking dogs (ie they use talking buttons) and are used to having someone who is highly engaged and talking to them and tuned in to their communications.

Anyway after a few months I got a new apartment but still pet sat for her every time she went out of town. She has a time share outside the city and will go on long weekends. For a while, she would give me personal training sessions in exchange for pet sitting (she’s a personal trainer). So I pet sat for free and she’d do free sessions for me. It was great for a long time. I love her dogs and they love me and I consider Jan and them family. I don’t mind looking after the animals at all and always enjoy that time with them. That said, it’s still very draining for me given how high needs their care is. Jan went away to her time share before thanksgiving for a few days and one of my dog sitting clients also needed someone to check in on their dog. Jan’s dogs and their dog are friends so they would come along with me to do check ins. It was a lot of walking between Jan’s place and theirs (they live within walking distance of each other). Jan drove back on thanksgiving in the evening. We agreed I’d feed her dogs their dinner and then go to my client’s for the night. So I did just that. I was very relieved to have a little more time to myself now that I only had one dog to look after. I was about to have my dinner when I got a text from my friend asking if I’d let one of the dogs out after he ate. I hadn’t. She said he probably needed to poop and could see him pacing by the back door from her cameras she has on the taking buttons. I said I could go back (I was exhausted but it was my mistake). She took issue with how I said I’d fix the problem. I think I said “I guess I can go back” when she couldn’t get a ahold of her son who lives in her basement and it was clear someone needed to let the dog out. She left me a series of voice notes going off on me and complaining that I wasn’t prioritizing her dogs enough. I’d understand that if she hadn’t been totally on board with me doing the other client’s dog. But she’d definitely said it was ok for me to do that since I’d committed to her first. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. I also really needed the money as I’d been unemployed for nearly a month by then. Anyway, I don’t deal with conflict well and have ptsd from childhood trauma and when she went off on me, it really triggered my anxiety and I broke down a bit over it. I went back to let her dog out and had a big cry while I petted the cat. Yeah it sounds pretty lame to me too. She was appeased when I said in no uncertain terms that I wanted to go back to fix my mistake. The ironic thing was that the dog didn’t even need to go out.

Everything seemed fine between us after that and I just brushed it off as her being tired and stressed. She’d asked me to stay with the animals over Xmas. I’d agreed cause I was still working from home back then. But at the beginning of December, I got an in person job. It paid really well and I needed it desperately. Jan seemed happy for me when I got the job and said she’d find someone else to do the sit. Fair. I wasn’t mad at it. Her dogs need someone who can be there with them all day and give them the attention they’re used to getting. But a few days later, she decided she’d just have someone come check on them during the day and I’d still sit for her. I thought I’d have Xmas eve off but later that week I found out I would only get Xmas off. Before, because I work tue-sat, i thought I’d have four days off in a row which made the sit doable. When I found out I wouldn’t have the 24th off, I told her and suggested she find someone else to sit as I wouldn’t be able to provide what they needed. I’d be working all day and tired and drained when I got home so even when I’d be around, it would be a struggle to give them the standard of care she expected. Well, that didn’t go over well. She had just under two weeks til her trip so it wasn’t like I was backing out last minute. Definitely not ideal but still time to find someone last minute. And I even said if she thought it was ok, I’d still do it for her so she could go on her trip. But she didn’t want to hear it. She acted like I was trying to get out of it and complained about how it “wasn’t fair” to her and how no one else could care for them properly and how she’d now have to cancel her trip because she’d have to pay someone to look after them which she couldn’t afford. Mind you, I’ve been doing all this for free. Even after the personal training sessions stopped happening. I tried to help her problem solve but she just wanted to go at me instead so I stopped the conversation. But not before she set off my anxiety again. I get it’s inconvenient and disappointing. So while I get where she’s coming from, it’s hardly unfair of me to have to back out for the well-being of her pets. It wouldn’t be fair to them to have a burned out sitter who’s barely home most of the time. Not when they could have woken me who was there exactly for the purpose of taking care of them. The whole thing just made me feel taken for granted. Especially when me sitting for her for free is the only reason she can take trips. She can’t afford a paid sitter for all those dogs even if she takes one or two with her. Like I get that it sucks when you can’t do what you want to do but I need this job and all the money I can get as I got very financially behind the last month and a half. She knows that too. The day after she chewed me out, she texted and said she’d go away the weekend before and after Xmas to her time share close by instead of going to the other side of the country like she’d originally planned. I was overwhelmed with work at the time but told her I could probably do it. I didn’t hear anything after that until the day before yesterday. She texted me and said she’d only been able to get this weekend. I honestly wasn’t feeling great about doing the sit after how she’d spoken to me before. But I figured it was just a couple days so I could push through it for the animals’ sake. But it also didn’t sit right with me that she hadn’t really tried to make things right with me. So I told Jan that I’d do the sit but I was also feeling kind of taken for granted right now. She’s my friend and I want to help her out but I also don’t deserve to be treated like I exist solely for free pet sitting for her. Her reply? She said she thought since she cancelled her other trip she should do the mini trip but it’s ok she’d figure something out. No questions about me felling taken for granted. No comments on it either. Nothing to suggest she even cared if I was feeling like that. Now not only do I feel taken for granted I feel used. I invested in her and her dogs and sat for her because I knew she was struggling finically and wanted her to still take breaks. And I thought she actually cared about me and my needs. But apparently not. Apparently all I am to her now is a free pet sitter.

I hate feeling like I’m letting people down and clearly I let her down when I had to back out on her but it couldn’t be helped. I need to be able to work-especially because the job is temporary and I don’t get regular vacation days. I would lose out on wages to help her out and I just can’t literally afford to do that. But maybe I am actually in the wrong here. So am I the asshole?