Dating back to as far as I can remember over never gotten along with my dad. We were just too different personality wise, but unfortunately similar as well. We look very similar as family tends to do, but I’m drastically more reserved and open minded than him. He’s conservative politically and from the thinking “the louder you say it-the more you mean it” type of thing.

Growing up he had a huge temper, never hurt anybody, but couldn’t contain himself in public if something/someone pissed him off. Would get into screaming matches with my mom at public venues in front of people we saw regularly over stupid parenting differences. Was a heavy drinker (which is probably what caused a lot of issues). Would say really inappropriate things: stuff like when I was in 4th grade and had a crush on someone- “ooooo you got a crush on a little black girl?” Constant comparisons about how he’s doing a better job than my mom at parenting (which he wasn’t) instead of trying to be a good parent. He was a little bit on the selfish side, but at the end of the day met the bare minimum as a parent.

For example, as to how selfish at times: one of the last times I lived with him, he rented out a room, he and I shared a room while the other room originally was rented to a woman. She was nice, young, beautiful but moved out suddenly when apparently: “idk what happened, I just asked her if I could clean her room and she flipped out and moved”…. Suspect at best, but instead of giving the room back to me, he filled the room with “man cave” type of shit. Poker table, dart board, shit like that. Just weird decisions all around.

Finally after scolding my mom at another sporting event for myself, and seeing how untenable he made mine and my mom’s life, I decided to stop seeing him and cut ties. Which obviously led to some friction with his side of the family. They didn’t totally agree with me and thought that despite his faults, he deserves to have his child in his life. I think that even though they understood he had his issues, I needed to be in his life because it’s “family”. I don’t think they considering that maybe he makes life too hard to accept into my life. To them he was a good son, brother or uncle, which I won’t dispute. But a good dad, he was not.

At first for some years, my family agreed to have gatherings for myself where he wouldn’t be there. Leading to looks… comments… backhanded comments at my expense about how I’m in the wrong. But I’d miss out on family occasions as time went by because there’s some things you can’t schedule around. So I just started coming around to family occasions where he was, but ignored him or kept conversation to a minimum.

It led to many awkward occasions, holidays, birthdays. You name it. But it was better than missing out on the family I liked/loved/enjoyed. But he’d still push his way into conversations to talk to me, even though it was clear I didn’t wanna talk.

You ever see someone desperately try to get someone’s attention, so they make conversation about anything and ramble on, ultimately annoying the person they’re talking to? It’s like that, every attempt at conversation kinda just pissed me off and drove me away more and more.

That alone I can deal with and understand that I can’t cut him out of the whole family. So I just looked past him and tried to enjoy my family. But unfortunately what I couldn’t look past was that someone in the family gave him my cell phone number. To which I texts giant paragraphs/essays wishing me the best, as well as congratulating my on life updates I only told one relative about. Which made me feel like no matter the trust I felt in the family, nothing would be kept from him, even secrets or problems I may have.

All in all, it’s been almost two decades of this. He has a long term partner who has two kids. Seems like they get along well enough and the kids tolerate him, I really don’t know for sure. The girlfriend and I exchange pleasantries and hello’s when we see each other, she’s very nice. But by association I try to keep her at arms length.

These last two years I’ve just resorting to not showing up anymore. Missed a couple Xmas’ for “work” or tied up with other family. Barely responding to texts or calls. Will send the obligatory “happy birthday” but nothing more. I feel sad that I’ve cut out my family this much but they aren’t getting my feelings or where I’m coming from.

So am I the AH? (Sorry for the length, there’s more to the story about certain occasions. And will answer questions if needed)