I'm not really sure how to even start this. Like there's just so so much to process and idk where to even begin.

Anyways, I'm 18F. All my life I've been abused. My mom (54F) sexually abused me when I was a lot younger, my dad (64M) was physically abusive when I was younger too. Yes, my parents are still married. Currently I just am verbally and emotionally abused. I just feel... so detached from reality, from everything right now. My mom even tried to kill me once, and honestly I wish she had. It would be so much easier than this.

Basically I was diagnosed with autism when I was 12. It has always been a weapon against me. My mom says I'm stupid and can't think for myself. She uses it to control me. When I opened up to therapists about abuse, she always interjected. Claiming I was delusional, couldn't interpret things right, didn't understand due to my autism, etc. I hadn't opened up until I was 15 I was so scared, but my mom had known my therapist for years at that point. She and my therapist always talked. To the outside world, my parents are good people.

Today I moved out. I've secretely gotten into a group housing program, and when nobody was home, I grabbed my stuff and left.

Everyone hates me. I haven't felt more alone. My older brother, he's 20, is pissed and confused. Same with my 14 yo sister. My dad is extremely confused and my mom is so angry she would probably kill me if I ever saw her again face to face.

I have been crying nonstop the past few hours. I feel so, so guilty. I hurt everyone. I feel so selfish. Like I hurt 4 people to save 1 person. That's just unfair, that's prioritizing one person over 4. I've probably wrecked my family all because I couldn't deal with my trauma.

I mean I've tried to deal with trauma, but I can't. I've tried drinking and have smoked here and there it's just never worked. I have tried to keep it together, I've done my best. I really have. I've tried to pretend I was okay. I tried to conform to the idiotic and stupid autistic kid my mom wants me to be. I've never brought up abuse ever again and I've pretended like my relationship with my mom has improved. My therapist thought we could heal our relationship. In all fairness I only opened about verbal and emotional abuse, I didn't want to risk everything. I feel so fucking selfish.

I honestly would much rather be dead right now, I feel that anyways. I've run out of tears and feel so devoid and empty. I'm just a fucking fraud I'm so overwhelmed with guilt. Like I told my younger sister we'd play Mario together today, well that never happened and it never will because I left. I told my brother I'd come out to my parents and introduce my gf but that'll never fucking happened. I've abandoned and betrayed everyone. They all hate me.

The group home has therapy, but I don't know if i want it. I'm terrified of being open with people. I've lost too many friends because I'm "emotionally intense" or "you're too much for me", if I've told friends about trauma they start distancing themselves because I overwhelm them. I can't blame them. They're just teens, not therapists, and it's not their responsibility to be there for me. I've been betrayed by my therapist, I got betrayed by so many medical professionals. The last time I was in a mental hospital following a suicide attempt, I tried explaining that I couldn't stand being with my parents. They just sat me down on family therapy. They treated me like I was stupid and couldn't understand things, like I saw things differently from the rest of the world.

I'm not. I hope my grammar shows I'm smart. Hell I orchestrated this moving out plan, if anything my mom should be proud of me. My family thinks I'm fucking stupid and can't plan things out, they think I'm only good at academics and can't function in real life. My parents control my entire future. If I didn't leave I would live with them forever and take care of them when theyre older, get a high paying job and provide for them after retirement. I didnt and don't want that. I've proved them all wrong. I am smart. I can plan things, I can think things out, I can control my own future.

I just feel so fucking empty and alone. I dont have any friends. I have my gf but my relationship with her is so fake because I refuse to be open, if she asks about my past I give her the stereotypical happy family spiel. I can't even stand physical touch, I flinch or jerk away when she tries to. I have to be shitfaced or high to be able to be intimate. She knows I'm bicurious or whatever and I assured her it's not because she is a girl. I just can't be open with her because I don't want to lose her like everyone else. My case manager is my only friend really. Even then I don't trust her. Sure the group home has therapy but I'll never trust them either. I've tried trusting people, it doesn't work. I tried to trust therapists to help me. I've tried having faith in CPS to actually do something. I thought my parents were supposed to love me.

I don't want to lose contact with everyone. I like my siblings, they're nice even if they think I'm mentally handicapped. I'm very high functioning but they treat me like I'm a baby. Everyone treats me like a little kid.

I like my dad too. I mean he's abusive but he only beat me, he didn't do that much. He's apologized too and tries to spend time with me. He doesn't mind listening to my weird rants about niche topics. I love him though it hurts.

I guess I'm just scared, confused and alone. sorry for the massive wall of text. I kinda just poured out my heart into this post, nobody will ever see it and anyone who does is just some random internet stranger. It doesn't matter if I let my emotions into the void.