Husband dx is unknown now, I guess. He has brought up ADHD to his psych, who was skeptical. I'm not sure where things are on that. But a number of other folx (including our couples therapist) think he has ADHD.

We're polyamourous, both have been since we'll before we married. We've been having a lot of issues for awhile, and it seems like a lot of them (if not all) could be from undiagnosed ADHD that got vastly worse during the pandemic.

Overall, things have been better to a degree. Not great. Somewhere between goodish and ok. But not outright bad for quite a while now.

We're both struggling with our sex life together, in part because neither of us feel very attractive right now, in part from weight gain. I am unsure if this has affected his sex life with his other partners (I don't have any other partners at the moment).

So last night we had what started as a pretty great evening together. As we're laying in bed, I'm stroking his chest, shoulders, arms, hips, etc, cuddled against him and I asked where he's feeling, in terms of sexiness. He wasn't sure. I'm trying to engage him in conversation and he seems very closed off. Not really answering a lot, just...closed off.

Meanwhile, he's texting his other partner and he just. Will. Not. Stop. I'm at a place in terms of personal vulnerability where the idea of saying "hey, can you maybe notice that I am trying to engage with you sexually?" is just...I just can't do it. I feel massively unattractive in general and also just...how can someone not tell that that is a sign of wanting at least some amount of physical intimacy?

Anyways, after probably 20 mins or so of this, I gave up. As SOON as I gave up, he stopped texting. And then he asked if I wanted to cuddle. I said no, he seems too distracted. He said he'd like to cuddle with me now, if I wanted. I repeated no, he seemed to distracted. He said he WANTED to cuddle and also if I didn't want to cuddle, I should own it instead of putting it on him when he said he wanted to cuddle. So I said that after however long of him clearly NOT being interested, I was no longer interested and wanted to go to sleep instead. And he said ok.

A few mins later, he says that it's hard because he feels like he has to ask me something multiple times to get a straight answer. I didn't say anything back, because at that point, I didn't really care anymore. I genuinely did want to just sleep and I was tired of trying and feeling rejected.

So my question is if y'all thoughts on if ADHD could cause him to be so focused on the texting that he's truly not noticing me and what I'm trying to foster until I stop and he notices that and thinks it over. Or is this more likely plain selfish, inconsiderate jerk behavior?

FTR, at this point, I would truly be fine changing our relationship to be a sort of cuddly roommate dynamic. I have said that to him, and he insists he wants a full, romantic relationship again. But it seems like he really doesn't have the energy for it or the availability to focus on me when I make overatures. And I can't remember the last time he made one....other than this morning, when he tried to give me a long, lingering kiss and I shorted it, because it felt more like he knew he fucked up and I was going to be distant for awhile than a genuine desire and interest. I don't know. Maybe we need a sex therapist to try to reconnect.