For the most part, this has been an incredibly validating community for me. So I wanted to talk about something that I've only within the last few years begun to realize about myself at all, and am starting to see the relationship of ADHD to all of it.

Apologies if this isn't super well-worded, it's late and my mind is racing a bit!

So, while I have a lot of "normal" ADHD anxieties related to competence and sometimes time management (though I think I have pretty good time management, all things considered), my greatest anxiety is something I call "fear of being voted off the island."

There are some special circumstances for me personally that have definitely contributed to this, like leaving home school for public school halfway through elementary and paring down a lot of my social connections when my best friend was sick (brain cancer) and she needed me the most. This is not something I was really worried about until I hit 28 (currently about to turn 32), but all the elements were there long before.

Like (probably) a lot of people with ADHD (inattentive), I was a nerdy kid. And I was a nerdy kid in the 90s, when being a nerd wasn't DANGEROUS but it was certainly uncool. Most of my classmates weren't very receptive to me. The few that were could be pretty unkind. But that's just fine--someday I'll leave this school/city/state and I'll find my "people," whatever that means. Maybe in college, I thought. Or at work.

Well, money was tight and I didn't get to go to college. I met a lot of people online, but I was unlucky enough to live in a sort of dysfunctional home. Some of my problems, combined with my personality, were--understandably--a little too much for them. I DID end up leaving the state and finding my "people" elsewhere. But this was after YEARS of somewhat dysfunctional friendships. Because when you have ADHD and the way you are naturally seems to disappoint almost everyone, you take what you can get. And sometimes the only people willing to deal with your unpredictability are incredibly codependent. And if you're young, maybe you start to mirror some of their behaviors, which you later have to unlearn.

I was finally able to phase out most of those relationships and get to a place where I was pretty stoked about my social climate. But then I lost my job, and within six months I had to move back home.

I've been here for eight years now. And while I understand that the nature of relationships is that they come and go, making new friends as an adult is ALREADY hard. Doing it with ADHD is harder. MEETING people is easy, but maintaining them with ADHD can seem almost impossible. Sometimes you want nothing more than to make time for your friends but the sink has been full of dirty dishes for days and it takes you all of four hours to rally up the fortitude to walk into the kitchen and tackle the mountain. And then you get distracted by a new package that's come in the mail and oh, I should really rearrange my closet to make room for some of these things, or at least pack up my seasonal clothes. And suddenly it's 8PM but you need to eat. And by the time you're "done" for the day and have the mental energy to sustain a conversation, it's 2AM. (This is why we need mandatory 4 day work weeks. 😒 Seriously. 5 days is already too much for neurotypical people. For us, it's an endless grind of taskmaster hell.)

Also, when you're used to taking what you can get, sometimes you don't trust your own ability to pick the RIGHT people. Often, you miss all the red flags until you're waist-deep into a dysfunctional friendship with someone who doesn't like you or even respect you, or has come to resent the way you are with time but isn't decent enough (or maybe too decent) to cut you loose.

And I'm not gonna lie, I feel like the age of social media has made it much harder. For ten people you talk to (after swiping past 50), four might respond. Two might not ghost. And one might end up being a sociopath. The other might end up being a guy who doesn't believe you're just looking for friends and thinks you'd be really good together. No, it doesn't matter that you're a lesbian. If anything it means you can, like, have a threesome or something!

And with the people that I DO have in my life, I worry that my inattentiveness will push them past their limits one day. The disappointments may be very small but they are many. I'm not afraid of confrontation if it's constructive and we can both feel heard. But there's nothing I can do to change who I am. I'm already doing my best and you're going to have to believe me when I say that. I'm never going to be able to remember every single thing you say and sometimes I'm going to interrupt you by accident. But everyone has flaws, and maybe I'll overlook some of yours. And wouldn't that be nice?

(It's incredibly weird to me when other people with ADHD get pissed when this happens? Like bro we've already discussed the concept of "dolphin thoughts." Which, if you haven't heard of this, here's an excellent post explaining it. Blog is not mine!)

Anyway, sorry for the long rant. I'm currently dealing with a lot of Feelings regarding this. Hope some of you can relate and, if so, that we can all chart a way to safer waters together. 💖

(For what it's worth, there are some awesome people I feel zero anxiety about this with. Most of them have ADHD. 😂)