I dont know why I'm writing this or even if it's okay.

Everything is hitting me so hard yesterday I sat in the car for nearly 12 hours with four people but yet felt so alone. Today on the hike I planned in remembering my friend I felt so alone. Even at milk shakes tonight because I knew I would feel alone at night surrounded by friends I was so alone and felt I couldn't communicate.

Everything I'm feeling is so intense. So much more then normal and I don't even deal with my normal well.

I was just getting close to my friend agian before he took his life, I was devastated and still am. This whole year leading to this day was bettering my self and I have but i still am everywhere, It takes me an hour to get out of bed some days. I just got so depressed that I dont want to do anything. I honestly just hate life at this point but my brain still just wants to go and it's such a rip on me.

I know the hardest step is taking one backwards to view where you have come but this whole month I've felt worse and reverted back to how I was.

I fucking hate this. I want it all to go away, why is it like this honestly.