TL;DR: Mom doesn't believe in my ADHD. Refuses to help me. Laughs at me for being lazy instead and bitches at me for wanting to get high on my stimulants. Hypocritical because she's lazy and abuses drugs. Fuck this I'm going back to school tomorrow.

I'm so tired of this.

According to my mom, my ADHD is not real, I'm just lazy, and the precious few Adderall I have left (because she refused to help me schedule an appointment to get a refill) are basically legal meth. She thinks it's really sad that I have to "get high" before I do anything productive.

Understand, my mother is... well, let's just say I'm happy I was born well before Jenny McCarthy started spewing her bullshit on vaccines or I would have died of whooping cough by now. If it's on TV, it's gospel. If it's on a movie, she might as well be Noah at the burning bush, because it's the word of God himself. And because stimulants as recreational drugs have been such a hot topic as of late, she's convinced that the only reason someone would take them is to get high. ADHD isn't real, it's only feels. I'm lazy. I've always been lazy. I'm too lazy to pay attention and I'm too lazy to clean and I'm too lazy to take responsibilities into my own hands. Believe it or not, when I'm at school and have access to a clinic where she's already signed off on the paperwork, I'm none of these things. I get decent grades and hold good conversations. My room is spotless. And all of my deadlines get met without a problem. I have to work at those things, but adding medication in turns it from a nearly impossible task to one that just takes some willpower.

Here's the great hypocritical part of it all: she's the substance abuser. She went on disability a few years ago after she got surgery to correct a birth defect. The surgery would have made her quality of life much better, save for one thing: she can't turn her neck very well. That's it. That's all. That's what she went on disability for, and God only knows how she got passed through. However, she got hooked on the pain killers and muscle relaxers she took after the surgery and has been on them regularly ever since. It's not just a few Tylenol either. It's a few Valium every day, a few oxycodone, and in high doses that you usually don't get unless you're knocking at death's door. She has to change pain doctors every few months because they don't want to be "caught" giving such potent medicine to someone with such frequency. On top of that she's an alcoholic - yes, she knows how crazy dangerous that is on those medications, and no, she doesn't care.

And of course, she's lazy. Her idea of a busy day is putting in a single load of laundry and dropping the basket of unfolded clothes at the owner's bedroom door. Her idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the living room, popping a few pills, calling me to come do it, and enjoying a nice tumblr of wine while barking at me about how I could do it better and whining about how little I do for the house.

She hasn't directly told me that she doesn't "believe" in my ADHD, but her passive-aggressiveness suggests that she thinks I'm just making this shit up. For what? Sympathy points? I don't want your sympathy, I want your support. She makes fun of how "dirty" I am, how lazy I am, how I keep forgetting things everywhere... and instead of listening to me and recognizing these are signs of ADHD that can very, very simply be fixed with a little medication and a little understanding and patience on her part, she just laughs at me with her friends, my brother and dad, her sister...

I'm sick of it. I'm absolutely sick of it.

I'm so happy I'm leaving here tomorrow. Well, if I can get my stuff packed up anyway. Knowing that I'm a messy disgrace to the family is really sapping the little motivation I had left.