I am 32M. Ever since I can remember, I YEARNED for a good friend. A best friend. Ever since I was a kid I was always looking for someone who gets me. I did some shadow work and tried to figure out some childhood trauma. Sadly I did not get love and affection by parents. I was scolded, yelled at, etc.

In elementary school I had one or two friends. I always PANICKED when it was time to pick a partner in school because I wasnt sure who liked me. This carried into middle school as well. I was always the "weird one, quiet one" and was picked on A LOT. I was a bully's target no matter what.

In high school I made some friends but THEY had other friends and I always felt like their "Plan B" friend. I always felt like a 3rd wheel whever I went.

Same thing in college. I spent the first two years extremely lonely. No one to talk to or hang with. Eventually I made some friends.... but again. Same pattern. I considered them my good friends, but to them? I was just an aquaintance. I was their friend when they had nothing else to do, but I still jumped on it and agreed to hang.

In adulthood post college it was very similar. I meet a group of friends, we are a tight circle, doing stuff together. I considered them my group of people but sadly they had other friends and THIS group wasnt their main group.... but they were to me.

I never had a best friend. I was always that friend that people would vent to about their problems and disappeared when they were doing okay. I would LISTEN to their problems but when it was MY TURN to talk.... they're distracted.

I am proud to say that it took me 33 years to love and appreciate myself. I realized that yes, this all stems from me searching for love because I never got that as a kid but I never truly loved myself.

A part of me wants to ghost every single person I know and start fresh. And that is what ia happening. I no longer answer the phone on people who I know just want to vent. I no longer make people a priority.