Im so tired of this feeling. It’s hard to explain but I feel like for my whole life I have had so much trouble engaging in a certain kind of physical in the moment activity. It reminds me of how I used to be as a kid. It was so hard for me to play with other kids who wanted to run around and play really spontaneously. I always wanted to just arrange things and think about them intensely in my head. I get so frustrated in social situations where there are no explicit rules about how to act and people are just being spontaneous and in the moment. Forget about team sports. I feel particularly upset right now thinking about how i feel in a lab class I take. Every time we do an experiment I just feel awful. Everyone seems to be capable of doing this kind of multitasking that I find so overstimulating. The room is noisy and everyone just jumps in and starts doing things, making small talk, writing calculations and just being present and attentive. I feel like I just can’t. I feel a million miles away from everyone. Like i’m just so overwhelmed by everything that’s going on. But then the anxiety sets in. I feel like everyone around me thinks I’m lazy, stupid or just plain weird because I just sit there quietly and watch while everyone just does things. I get this weird awful feeling like I’m not even a person. I try to push myself out of this distracted headspace but it feels like i’m straining to make even one comment or do one task. Like i’m just emulating the people around me out of anxiety rather than seriously focusing on the assignment. I internally berate myself for both seeming socially weird and looking lazy. I feel like i’m just making excuses for my stupidity or laziness.