got diagnosed with adhd about 2 years ago now. it's been a ride but not entirely a shocker. it's just a bit frustrating because now i can blame something for why i am the way i am, and i just have to accept it as is.

i used to be really passionate about art. ever since i was able to hold a pencil i'd just draw, for hours. i'd draw anything and everything, and i'd have so much fun with it. and now i just hate it. it's like i'm paralyzed and am too scared to really get into a drawing anymore. i started hitting this decline around middle school, when i realized i couldn't translate what i envisioned in my head into paper "perfectly". and that's when the "if it's not perfect, why bother" mentality started kicking my ass. i have these random bursts of being able to get a few pieces out – some that i can say i'm even proud of – but it's too infrequent, and it's stressing me out. i don't even draw for fun anymore.. just for validation and praise. but i don't really share anything anywhere so that means no validation, no praise, no likes or clicks. i know that's not the point of a hobby, and that's exactly my point. i wish i just could enjoy doing things just to do them without the external need for validation or something that gives me that dopamine kick (which is just about my only motivator).

now the easy answer for this will probably be that things and people change, and it's okay to grow out of certain things. but i don't want to. art is just about my only talent, it's all i have. i'm not academically gifted nor have the capacity to grit my teeth through a regular education, towards some degree i don't care for and is only meant to bring in money. i just want to do something i'm passionate about, or rather regain my passion for the one thing i loved the most. it's a little devastating that i just don't have that joy for it anymore, but i don't know how to force myself to just. enjoy. something? it's weird. it's frustrating cus i do have the talent. but i'm just so passionless. i kind of hate drawing now, in a way. but i also simultaneously yearn to love it again. i don't know. and i'm too bored to put effort into anything else or get into something new, i just don't know how to be consistent with anything. been on meds and going to therapy regularly too, i just don't get what else i can do. it's gotten easier to focus but i still lack passion for anything. i just hate feeling and being so stagnant when i could be doing something, y'know? i wanted to make a career out of this at some point. now i don't even know if it's entirely viable with how my brain functions. and it bothers me even more cus i couldn't even get the "fun and quirky" type of adhd that's super motivated and hyperfixated on interests and hobbies - which is just about most of the people around me - and instead i got the depressed, miserable bullshit kind that makes me virtually disinterested in everything. i'm just tired of being chronically bored of everything. even my own "interests".

i'm not sure what i'm looking for with this post; any tips will probably be generic and advice will be something i've already heard and considered. i guess i just kinda want to see if anyone else can relate.. or if anyone has been able to get out of this successfully - give me some hope.