My last living grandparent (father’s mother) passed away back on 11/30. She lived in Winnipeg the entirety of my life but she visited us stateside many years and for months at a time. My dad loved hosting her and my grandfather so this was normal for me. Think of them as snowbirds.

So as we got older and she traveled less (she got free flights through my aunt’s work), I thought of her less. I know they say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I am not grieving to the degree that those who have lived with her. I feel horrible for not being as sorrowful and almost wish I wasn’t here because my huge family does overwhelm me. I can’t mask as well as I once did when my grandfather died in 2003.

I have a handful of cousins who get it, but many adults have expectations of me (being my dad’s daughter has caused this). They want me to speak at her celebration of life but I’m like “I don’t know her the way you all did”. Is it just that my memory is so poor that I’m lacking in the connection? Grief hits me in waves for others who have died whom I was closer to in proximity. I dunno. I just find it a little alarming that maybe how I experience relationships is why I’m both distant and also concerned. Thoughts? Studies?