I am so, so tired.

I am so tired of having to take stimulants to work a job that I absolutely despise and saps my soul, but I cant ditch because I have been blessed with an ADHD family. Which means that my parents have no financial responsibility whatsoever, and my brother has zero income despite having two kids. Whatever money I might have saved is never enough, because god knows I might need to support them in the future when my parents find themselves without nothing once they are older.

Some of you are still on your honeymoon period, so I dont want to rain in your parade. But stimulants fucking suck. We dont have good adhd meds. Unless one is blessed with a lack of tolerance and a lack of physical side effects stimulants are an underwhelming solution, even if its the best we got. I have 5-6 hours of focus and energy and motivation, to work this absolutely meaningless job, and then when I am out and is time to enjoy life I am crashing for the rest of the day, which implies anhedonia and anxiety. Well good thing the only thing that matters in this life is work!

Yes, I know. Boosters, long duration meds, etc etc. But then I cant sleep, my costochondritis gets worse, my hair starts falling out, and my crash will be significantly worse. Worst of all, tolerance will speedrun, and I will find myself with worse executive function than baseline in less than 2 weeks regardless of how high my dose is. 3 weeks and I am properly depressed and need an entire week to feel back to normal.

I am really sorry for this rant, but I feel trapped. I am also crashing if it wasnt obvious from the bad mood 😅