I (high functioning ADHD - 29F) love but wasn't attracted to my husband (29M) when we got married due to a variety of reasons but he is a loving and kind person. I grew up seeing a lot of toxic marriages and I thought since I have a good guy who loves me and wants to "change" his imperfections for me what more could I want? And I'm a bad/ungrateful person for having doubts and I don't deserve better because I'm not better than he is in many areas.

But we struggled a lot in many areas. I hoped physical intimacy could bond us but we couldn't sync our desire (I'm HL). I thought I could power through and things would change. So much of what I think I want is tied up in what I feel others expect me to do, or would do if they were me. I'm realizing I spent a lot of time gaslighting myself and I'm now confused about who I am and what I want.

Maybe I will heal myself and fall in love with him again ... or exhaust myself trying? Maybe there is nothing to be healed and I just need to accept myself as I am? It feels like life is full of trap door decisions and it's frightening.