Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier if I wasn't an ABDL, for two main reasons. The first is that while ABDL is fun, having to keep it hidden all the time makes me paranoid. I have to worry about what will happen if others find out and what they'll think, especially those close to me. They'd probably never look at me the same again.

If that weren’t enough, ABDL is a very sexual thing for me and I’ve always wanted to have a mommy to enjoy it with. My ideal mommy would change me, wear diapers herself, let me change her, and perform lewd activities with me in diapers. But I realize that ABDL women are extremely rare, and I’m unlikely to ever find one because male diaper lovers outnumber them by a very wide margin and the few female diaper lovers keep themselves hidden to avoid having to deal with creepy men. I might find a vanilla female partner who accepts my ABDL side and lets me indulge in it by myself, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be sexually satisfied if she doesn’t actively participate in it. I guess I’ll have to try to make the most of it. I’d be lucky to have any sort of female partner, ABDL or otherwise. I've been a failure at dating in the past, even without ABDL coming into play.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

EDIT: I should mention that another difficulty I face is the fact that I live with my parents. As a result, I rarely work up the courage to go out and get diapers because I'm afraid of them catching me.