Hi! I just commented on another post on self care and I realized I had quite a bit to say. So Im expanding that comment a bit and reposting here as a general monologue about my very recent journey in getting treatment for ADHD.

Here is the original post: https://reddit.com/r/ABDL/s/BkvwYijczL

I never realized that I had ADHD tendencies until I lived with my wife. I spent a long time learning how I best interact with the world and how to mitigate what saw in myself as just bad habits or bad personality. I now know that what I was doing was creating coping mechanisms. This was fairly successful in my social life but so-so at work and home.

At home I struggle with doing day to day stuff because of my messed up dopamine system. When I would get stressed out I'd naturally seek out things that give me the big D (heh) and for me that was diapers. Video games and hobbies too but diapers were a constant when I was stressed because it was so easy to just wear a diaper while doing basically any other activity. While its true I harbor deep sexual feelings about them (and that really is a whole other essay) I can almost entirely fulfil the sexual urges with porn and erotica. While wearing a diaper is arousing it also is a dopamine shortcut.

What Ive realized now is that the close contact of a diaper on my bum and genitals is a form of stimming. The constant contact on a sensitive area of the body provides an almost constant drip feed of dopamine. When my wife and I moved in together I had to limit my diaper wearing around her because she isn't very comfortable with it and I respect her feelings on the matter. For the first few years it was very agitating because I was addicted to the dopamine response and hadn't yet realized that that was going on and I didn't have alternatives. My wife has a big personal bubble and has a hard time cuddling for extended periods so my urge to replace the diaper contact with intimate contact was also curbed because she could only do that a little bit without becoming uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

So after I accepted that I cant wear diapers all the time and I cant constantly expect physical contact from her I subconsciously substituted other things. Its wierd to admit this as an adult because it sounds so immature and perverted but I started a habit of unconsciously rubbing my genitals. My brain wanted that dopamine! I realized I was doing this regularly after a while and while I was aroused by the stimulation I wasn't really trying to masturbate per se. I do masturbate a lot too and that almost always starts from a dopamine craving, not because I was turned on. The physical contact of my hand on genitals even over clothing filled a bit of that craving that would crop up when I am bored.

So a few weeks ago I started taking Vyvanse, a common amphetamine used to treat ADHD and its been a wild ride. I immediately realized that normal activities could give me that feeling of self worth, satisfaction and confidence that I was only ever getting from my hobbies and wearing diapers. And that is when it dawned on me that my dopamine system was broken.

One evening I just realized that all these strange behaviors and obsessive activity around my hobbies (like painting models for 8 hours without eating) were my cope for not getting dopamine from most activities. Even my desire for ABDL bodysuits and onesies tied in since that tight skin contact all over was also a way of stimming.

So now Im still left with all those old habits but my meds have allowed me to start getting rewards from doing "normal" activities like chores. This whole time I had been self caring and medicating with my hobbies and diaper wearing.

So self care for me has evolved from just putting on a diaper and painting models to actually seeking psychiatric care and medication. I will also stress that working out and going to the gym specifically for weight training also helped a lot. ADHD doesn't prevent me from getting all the muscular, cardiovascular and hormonal benefits of doing a good workout. It took having a roommate basically force me to go but it seriously helped me balance my dopamine when I was away training with the military for my job and I had no diaper access. I also got a lot stronger and that progression and satisfaction helped create long term rewards that help with day to day motivation.

Im only a few weeks into my meds and I already have a lot to process from the experience. Seeking out help and getting support and treatment is going to be critical for me as I advance in my career into jobs that require more from me and I'm only sad that I didn't realize all of this sooner. Ill be 29 soon and my 20s were a decade of fighting an uphill battle against myself in trying to maintain my work, relationships and hobbies. Im hoping that with treatment and self awareness I'll be able to look back at my 30s as a time of increasing competence, confidence and health.

Even though Im trying not to wear diapers simply to get that dopamine hit I still do. Maybe that will pivot after a few years of treatment. I dont know if I will ever live a diaper free life and Im not looking to ditch them, but I am open to embracing change. (No pun intended!)

If anyone reading this has a better understanding of brain chemistry and you want to correct some of my assumptions about dopamine or ADHD in general please school me in the comments. Im new just learning about this stuff.

Thanks for reading and have a nice day.