Hi everyone!

I’m at a point that I need someone’s help in figuring out this situation. I (27, F) have been with my boyfriend (27, M) for almost two years and we love each other very much. We have helped each other through countless hardships and I owe them so much in my growth, independence, and confidence as a person. I love his family, family loves me back, etc. We are attached lol.

We are also both interested (in different levels of intensity) in Ddlg. My boyfriend is more exclusively into the sexual side of things, while I’m into both sexual and non-sexual parts of the dynamic (rules, discipline, the general regulation that comes with it). We figured that we had these differences and came to the conclusion that, in terms of non-sexual stuff like that we kinda softly low-key kinda do that stuff already (he will ask if I’ve eaten a good diet or hydrated, or if I’m doing what I’m supposed to etc.) and we figured that we basically have the personalities of the dynamic and that’s largely ok for a lot of non-sexual stuff (however sometimes I do have him be a bit more daddying to me).

The issue at hand presently however, is diapers. I have been, for some time, fairly ashamed of being into them. Enough so to attempt to stop and forget them for the past few years, starting almost a year or more before meeting my bf. Because it had been so out of sight out of mind, I never brought it up initially because I didn’t like to remind myself that has been a part of what I liked and I actually would see Abdl content and not be attracted so I thought it was gone. I even got rid of all of my old stash about a year ago and didn’t feel a thing.

However, of course, it’s returned and, while it’s sometimes easy to forget and move on, lots of times I just have this spike in intense desire to be little or have a whole lifestyle thing (normally I don’t that much) and that desire requires, in my head, diapers. I brought my concerns up with him later last year and he said that he accepts it but isn’t interested in engaging with it at all. My problem has become multifaceted. I completely understand his decision and was thankful that he at least wasn’t grossed out or not like me or something, but I don’t know how to deal with these urges. I asked if he would be comfortable with me just in the room with one or with paraphernalia and he said no, and I would definitely not traipse on his consent. He has asked last night after discussing this again if I am able to satisfy it with myself and I had to admit I cannot. Every time I think of diapers in this way, the specific wants I have require another person. I want someone to check me, change me, and overall just baby me and acknowledge a diaper. I also explained that I’ve tried to explore on my own for the majority of my life due to my shame and it doesn’t help, but with the fact that I also can’t make it go away, I don’t know what to do. We love each other so much and it’s this one hyper specific kink that’s messing things up in my head, and if it was interests that could be managed alone I wouldn’t bat an eye to it. I’ve only ever seen it as a partner included ordeal and that my alone experiences were just because I didn’t have a partner/shame.

I’m sorry to make such a long post but I’ve been up all night trying to find a similar post for answers on what I can do to make this work. I’ve thought about therapy and stuff but I’m not sure what they can do since you can’t get rid of ABDL. All responses are highly appreciated and I thank y’all for even reading this essay!

Edit: he also has attempted to compromise with me with elements of ABDL that I like, like being checked but with underwear to see if I’m healthy, and holding my legs up to move me/dress me/etc. because it fires off baby neurons for me. I just fear that it can’t match my specific desires 😔