hey guys this is the structure of my personal statement, pretty sure i am not supposed to post it on here so im not going too i am just going to show the structee but could someone please tell me if this structure sounds good.

I wanted to know if i needed to be more personal , i talk alot about the course but should i mention more about me as a person i am applying for business management/human resources

para 1 - i talk about a book i have read and how it changed my views on a certain topic

para 2 - I talked about summer schools i attended

para 3 - i discussed work experience

para 4 - i discussed an extra curricular linking it to subject

para 5 - another brief extra curricular

short conclusion of future aspiration

is it too academic ?