I began investing heavily in defective condoms a couple years ago, sunk most of my savings into latex futures and lube. I had been storing them on the roof of my apartment for a rainy day. Anyhow, last week they were all pilfered while I was at work. Any information leading to the reclamation of said nest egg would be appreciated.

• No reward will be available, unfortunately. Between a rash of what I've been told is water buffalo Ebola, the brother of my nibling needing more investment capital into his new whitening salon (No Tan Thailand), and this...I can barely drink enough Chang to cry myself to sleep anymore. Thank goodness that I've saved money by not showering.

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