I’m back at day 5. Had a two day relapse last week. If there is a silver lining, it is that at the end of that I looked at myself in the mirror after not having slept for 2 days, feeling like shit, looking like shit, and had this “what on earth are you doing moment!?” That led me to flushing the rest of what I had. And I began looking at some residential rehab places.

I found one that is centered around body dysmorphia that sounds promising. I talked to my wife about the rehab possibility this evening. Her initial response was basically that I’ve already been to so many different therapies and I seemed to be getting worse. Then she told me that it was hard for someone who wasn’t going through it to understand because I was good looking, smart, had a lot going on and why would I want to basically throw it all away. Then finally settled on well, if you think it would help, go for it.

I’m pretty crushed by that response. I’m already so full of shame and guilt over all the things that I’ve done. That just felt like adding fuel to the fire. 😥