A man’s will to conquer and control can generate innovation, spur hard work, and create the sexual, political, and economic conditions for abundance. It’s the divine masculine “spark.” Yet that same spark can burn down the house.

Men go through and have within them a cycle of birth, death, and regeneration. The hero’s journey. The trimurti—Brahma the creator, Vishnu the preserver, and Shiva the destroyer. The Fisher King. When a man is out of control, the destructive phase of his cycle brings chaos to everyone around him. But when a wise man is in control—and crucially, when a wise woman who trusts him, supports him, and follows him obediently—he can safely channel that destructive energy to usher in the next phase of life.

This constant balancing act between growth and death is a fundamental (and fundamentally unstable) condition of being a man. Feminists take the academic concept of “male fragility” and use it to mock men. We men are painfully aware of our own psychological fragility in the same way that you women are aware of your physical frailty. We hurt, too.

Men need women’s support because of the inherent instability in the divine masculine. Too much feminine will smother the masculine fire, but just enough will help a man who has already proven himself create the world in which they both want to live.

Before a man can ask a woman to support him through her surrender, he must tap into his own inner feminine and learn to support himself. He must show a woman that he’s able to take care of himself without a mother. Financial success is a rough proxy for self-care, but a wise woman knows to look beyond economic/physical security and also demand a man who can provide emotional warmth and safety—for himself, and for her and her children.

Given how many puzzle pieces of masculine psychology have to fall into place before a man is ready to own a woman, is it any wonder that such men are in short supply and that they tend to be older?

We’ve fetishized this imbalance as a sexy age gap, and to a certain extent the age gap will always exist as older men will always tend to have more status, means, authority and maturity. But do women know how painful it is as a young dominant man in, say, your 20s? He knows deep down that he was made to lead and guide a woman, but he doesn’t know how yet. Most women don’t really trust him with that level of surrender, either. Worse still, he’s surrounded by feminists telling him to feel ashamed of his natural leanings. And unlike women who are naturally more communal, we men often don’t have others helping guide us, showing them the ropes. Unless we go out of our way to learn how to create community, which doesn’t come to us naturally, so often we end up alone.

These dynamics are why it’s so important to raise our boys right, teaching them—or the great majority who lean toward the masculine—how to become respectful, powerful, balanced men. Bonding as men with each other and our children of all genders. Showing up with vulnerability and strength. Communicating. Loving. Acknowledging the differences between most men and most women in a non-judgmental, non-exclusionary, non-hateful way that’s rooted in our own observations and history’s long arc.

When we speak of the wisdom of patriarchy, we must be humble enough to acknowledge thousands of years of good and bad, excesses and triumphs. We can confront all the darkness perpetuated by men who have abused their power while also acknowledging that what hurts the most about the abuse is how much our women and children have wanted us to be in charge and do better with it.

Support your man, woman. Help him rule over and guide you. Respectfully give him feedback as he shapes you into his ideal. Use your feminine intuition to help him avoid pitfalls. Use your love and care, your soft body and your wet embrace to heal his tired mind and soul. If he’s worthy of your surrender, learn to surrender completely. Trust that when he falters, that he still has your best interests at heart.