I’m on mobile so I apologize for any mistakes that I don’t catch before posting.

I’m so exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

I (26F) have two kids under two who are my entire world. And frankly, I’m only still here because of them. When I was pregnant with my first, my husband went through some psychological problems, very serious ones at that. Which I blame myself for. I was so sick for the better half of my pregnancy all I did was lay in bed (when I wasn’t vomiting) I couldn’t bare to go sit with him outside, I still don’t understand why but I just literally did not want to be outside for any length of time. He didn’t want to spend his days in bed, and that lead to severe distance and arguments. The last one of that time being right before his psychological problems surfaced.

We got through. Lord knows I don’t know how but we did. I don’t mean as a couple. I just mean , as people. We survived it. And we did survive it together.

My daughter was born a little early but to term and healthy.

Fast forward a bit and we moved and I had our second babe. His birth was traumatic. But he ended up healthy. Thank goodness.

This, is where everything shifted. I battled minor PPD with my daughter, but I figured it was more related to the insane amounts of additional stress I was dealing with. With my fiancé, my landlord at the time, adapting to being a new mom and then being pregnant again. But with my son it hit me like a ton of bricks. It definitely was my last pregnancy, and that makes me sad, and I’m mad that I’m sad because I have two healthy kids, and some people out there are struggling for their first. And here I am occasionally sad that I’ll never go through it again.

Who do I think I am.

My mom (65F) has been an amazing help to me through it all. However. Becoming a mom has absolutely destroyed our relationship and it’s breaking me. My mom was all I had growing up after being a victim of a CSA. We were always honest with each other. I was always honest with her and knew I could be without her yelling at me or fear. She’s dropped my youngest twice. After I specifically asked her to not fall asleep holding them, and that if she felt she needed to rest her eyes to put them down. Both times were brushed off with, “I’m not going to drop them” Both times I absolutely lost it. Both times I was tending to my eldest. The second time I told her to leave my house and my fiancé stepped in and said no. (I had said he if wanted her to stay she could but that I was done)

She’s now lying to me about appointments she’s had when she had to cancel coming over last minute to attend these emergency appointments. (I have proof that she lied but I haven’t brought it up because I can’t be bothered)

Whenever I say I’m not doing well I’m met with, “yeah, join the club” followed by her complaining instead of any type of support.

She fights me when I say I’m considering daycare and makes me well like a bad mom when I’d only be doing it because they need socialization which this pandemic has robbed them of and their DOCTOR has recommended.

My youngest is more needy and tonight she referred to them as “that kid” right in front of them because they’ve been fussy the few days likely due to teething. Followed by an argument because she Wasn’t listening to me and I got irritated and she said she tired and I told her she wasn’t the only one (she goes home and gets rest.)

She’s supposed to move in with us to help with saving up for a bigger place for us all and to help me while my husband works but she can’t even stay awake to have a conversation and just creates more stress for me. She’s turned into a complete stranger and it’s broken me. The help is nice and much appreciated but I don’t want this stranger living with me.. I just want my mom to be how she used to be.

If you got this far, thank you for reading , sorry for being a burden.