The females on this campus are out of control. The first time I ate lunch wearing my “May the F=MA be with you!” CSE shirt I had literally 3 different women try to sit down and court me, like I would know how to talk to a girl. I quickly demonstrated superior knowledge of each of their niche interests, which apparently eliminates me from the dating pool (why shame me for being smart?).

Anyway, that got them to leave but the problem has persisted in the past couple days since welcome week and I am so fed up with everybody wanting to get with me. I've taken to moving all the other chairs at tables I sit at to other tables, at every restaurant. But yesterday a small asian woman literally pulled up a chair and began ranting about the last weekly COMM 10 "project". Girl, I don't struggle with projects that are just homework. I'm a Computer science major, not an English major. After making it markedly clear that I did NOT, in fact, want to copulate in Kerckhoff Hall, she finally left me alone, but I wish these girls would stop worshipping me just because I am enrolled in the hardest program on campus (which was not difficult for me to get into, by the way).

The worst are when students from non-technical majors talk to me. We'll be having a nice, platonic conversation, when they inevitably ask the fateful question: "What's your major?" As soon as I say that magnificent phrase, I see their whole demeanor change. The doe eyes, the flushed cheeks, the jiggling cleavage. What makes a business major think they have a chance with me. Comp Sci and some puny CLS majors are on whole different planes of existence. I'm not about to impregnate somebody that does Public Speaking (ugh) for "work."

You may think I'm just remarkably handsome, which I am, but my attractive acquaintances in Civil Engineering (they're not smart enough to be friends, but their childlike innocence is sometimes enviable), have literally no problems with this incessant harassment and courting from female creatures. Females see me as an object and a genius, when really I'm so much more: I'm top 100 in Phantom Forces (that’s Roblox, for you uncultured chumps). My computer science shirt shouldn't reduce me to a bag of meat; if you want my heart, you have to grind with me, smurf noobs, know all the best strats, and most of all, watch Star Wars with me, and understand it -- no fake fans that shout "Luke - I am your father!" like its some kind of joke, when it's really the climax of the most tragic moment in Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back. Not that I cried.

If you want somebody for cheap sex, the Business majors are right there (I don't blame you for avoiding non-war profiting business types though). Stop fetishizing my kind for something out of our control. I didn't want to be born a super genius. Hell, sometimes I wish I was a business major, moving through the world in ignorant bliss. But I have a responsibility now to save the world and create the next Facebook, or other billion dollar startup, I simply don’t have time. Come back in a Mandalorian costume, solve the three body problem, or solve a problem without assuming incompressible, subsonic, laminar, steady, constant everything, and then we'll talk.