How am I feeling tonight?

Alright! A little headache, (a massive fucking migraine more like it,) but overall still better than usual.

Things that happened today:

• Went to Berkeley to soak up some good sun. Do I have a vitamin deficiency? Potentially! Either, sun and a stroll does the body good either way....
• I fucking hate Berkeley, for a lot of reasons, but plenty from from the elitisim, classism, and racism.... (POC solidarity seems less existent the more I deal with others; hell, I remember getting snarled at as I supported some shitty school-funded charity over there and I wanted to knock over their table of clothes or steal so bad, BUT.... I didn't. I sorta regret not doing it, but I'll get my lick back one day and simply prey on the downfall of those students instead. Yknow, like a sane rational human being does when slighted.) Like, Berkeley is just such an annoying place to be. Babyfaced kids (kids = people my own age, but even more self-centered and wealthy than me, which is much worse,) jostling into you even when you're standing as far out of the way as possible, overpriced shit tier quality foods, and a bunch of liberals who, deep down, are just republicans who openly eat pussy or take a dick, or republicans who want an abortion but don't want black or poor neighbors and classmates.

I stopped by some spiritual shops today, and I've gotta say, it's actually really depressing what the pandemic greed in landlords is doing to nice shops. Like this one shop, Annapurna, I remember stopping by the shop at 19. Wonderful shop, chock full of cool things. Now? Bare bones as hell, still nice but not nearly as nice as before, (like imagine a dragon's hoard of gold, reduced to 1/4th capacity... still nice, but not as awesome, is all.)

He definitely was a lot more somber than he was before. Still sweet, gave me an evil eye charm for me and told me of it's properties. That's cool as hell, thank you man!

Let's see... then I stopped by another shop, which also seemed to downsize and restructure some. Still nice, still expensive. The guy working there was friendly, told me to visit Hawaii regardless of what Hawaiians are saying, since "they hate white people, not people like us! Like, BROWN or ASIAN looking! You should go!"..... Hmmm, interesting stance, but I get his perspective. Still gonna take my time though.

He did that thing I hate where he kept trying to upsell/convince me to buy, but hey, his method worked, since I'm laying in bed with a beautiful supposedly rare honey mustard yellow scarf with a red hindu(?) God printed on it. I'm glad that he got the vibe that I was down to buy something, but not rich, so he offered me a discount showed me the cheaper 15 buck scarves instead of the 30 buck ones.

Gonna see how to turn it into a top later. Or, may wear it for dancing tomorrow.

I feel so shit when stores try to upsell me, especially since they're way more desperate lately. And I think they forget to let people BREATHE and THINK in a store? Like, the other day I checked out a spiritual shop, and the owner would NOT stop trying to put jewelry on my body and saying to buy it, or going "Buy one thing! Something, anything, just one thing! I give you a discount even!" Unhand me, good sir! I left in under two minutes, since within those two minutes, every ten seconds was a desperate attempt to guilt, demand, pressure or kiss my ass into buying some overpriced carnelian bracelet, or all items would be untagged or unsigned, so I HAVE to ask "Excuse me, do you mind telling me the price on this? I was just curious", and prepare for them to immediately get millimeters away and start breathing down my neck about how I absolutely should buy a 30 dollar scarf or 50 dollar ring.

Ugh.

Hmm, anything else worth noting?

• Saw an incredibly gorgeous girl who was exactly my type in public, and I, a hot girl, decided to turn around and pretend to look in my purse to avoid eye contact or any interaction, because I thought "I don't want to disturb her or any awkward social interactions".... then only as she walked away (and damn was the view amazing) did I realize "WAIT, I AM LITERALLY DRESSED TO THE TENS TODAY, all I needed to do was wave and smile! Like! Come the fuck on girl!" Being a hot girl who forgets she's a hot girl (because she is secretly nonbinary and often feels like how a pathetic cis male would feel when they see a hot woman) is rough! Cause I'll have that panic before I realize all I need to do is unbutton my coat, and boom, the d cups in a silk dress will do the talking FOR ME-
• I got stared at by this really pretty woman in public today; she was staring me down heavy, and I guess after I saw the gorgeous curvy girl earlier in the day and botched it, I thought, "If she's still staring at me as I walk past, I should wave and smile! To practice!" I walked and looked back, she stared, I waved, she smiled, I smiled, then I immediately blushed and shimmied off in joy like a little SLUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
• I think most of my interactions with women in a flirty manner always point to 'blushing slutty little bottom who wants to be a top but is always a nervous wreck so cant be that immediately'.... sometimes there IS the rare "sbgonebroke is a Mack Daddy and is somehow very good at getting people naked and/or overjoyed around her", BUT even that can wear off a bit. I do have to remind myself "I am a hot woman(-ish person)! EVEN TO OTHER WOMEN!" and remind myself that if I were unfunny, unsexy, or uninteresting, then I wouldn't have five people actively trying to doink and romance me.

Also, I think it's also a matter of me being annoyed if I can't be entirely sure what a woman's age is? Like, my worst nightmare would be being a hypocrite to the 'men can tell when a girl is underage' argument I have, (which, to be fair, I think that wasn't even my argument? It's more about men who lie and say that a young girl looks 20, when it's very obviously a 15 year old with eyeliner and cleavage,) if I asked out a girl who ended up being like, between the ages of 15 to 18. I'd literally immediately jam a pen into my neck and bleed out on the floor.

I like women where you can look at them and go "YEP! They know what taxes are! They have most likely been in school or their industry for 2 years, and can be served a drink at an establishment without being carded! DEFINITELY can drive without an adult in the car, can give birth to a kid and survive, and can have an adult-ish conversation!"

Ultimately, I do question when dudes are into the extremely skinny, petite, youthful, less busty women... not to say a woman can't be cute that way, but something in my brain is like "Why is that your FAVORITE type? AND your daddy kink? Someone call Chris Hansen, IMMEDIATELY! I M M E D I A T E L Y !"

Yknow, like my ex who was heavily debating me about how 15 and 21 isnt a weird age gap for dating was also looking at porn of youthful looking 'barely legal' chicks dressed as schoolgirls being trapped in cages....... ugh, thank god that straw broke the camel's back.... like not to say dudes who are obsessed with massive titties and bbl bodies arent annoying and gross as well, but a little gross if someones preferences swing too heavily in either direction of 'only bimboification-esque comically absurd 1950s type figures' and 'looks and acts like a child'.

I think that one pretty girl I saw awhile back was 21, since it'd be illegal to serve alcohol as a minor.... Well, but to be fair, whether she was just some overdeveloped teenager or just a youthful looking 20 year old, the gist is 'I can't ask her out either way'. Yknow, cause I dined and dashed when it was an entire hour or more and I was just stranded outside without anyone coming to me again.... I don't know if my measly 13 dollar check got her in trouble or not, but I don't wanna risk cop involvement, OR getting embarrassed or fought in the street by an enraged customer service worker due to my own shitty actions.

I think between that, the lack of women online I'm interested in (either they're taken, looking for a third, unresponsive, bots/weirdos pretending to be women by using catfish pics, or just not very intriguing to me,) I think that's what's causing my low self esteem in regards to women?

All I need is to go to some club in a cute sassy dress, and flirt like hell. Like, I would've been laid by now! Or at least had better luck figuring out conversations with women, yknow? Platonic convos are easy, romantic or sexual ones???? ehhhhhhh, idkkkkkkkk.

Anyway, aside from my evergrowing interest in women past sexual attraction, and stores being desperate, what else have I done lately?:

• Blocked my fuckbuddy after losing any and all interest in him.
• He then proceeded to ask me out the next day to the new Spider-Man movie. Bad bitches love Miles Morales, so, I was in. We met up that night for a sleepover (since cuddling up against a plushy larger man is always a good time, even if you don't inherently have any sort of emotions for him,) but we ended up having a pleasant time. He played some League of Legends while I used his PS5 for Fall Guys, had a lot of naps, some sex, good stuff. I don't remember too much of it, but it's probably the long day I had the throbbing migraine I have as well.
• Then we woke up nice and early to see the new spidey movie!
• It was a 6.5 to me out of 10, I'm sorry. Like, I like Gwen's trans allegory so much, but I don't get Miles' journey, the cliffhanger at the end was stupid and pissed me off, some of the speeding through the jokes made it hard to process any of them, and well.... yeah. But since I do still have my heart wringing from The Spot, and the intense dramatic aspects of some parts, it could be a 7.2 at best.

We had a nice time. Made out like animals in their car.

My date asked when they could next see me again, and since I'm the type of person who can have 11 day long dates and damn near attach myself at the hip to someone if I like them enough, but I didn't wanna seem desperate, I just said "I don't know, soon! You said sometime after work this week, right?"

Since saying "Come over right now to help me clean and then fuck me" or "have me over right now for another sleepover" would've seem unhinged to suggest myself. But if he did? Hell yeah I'd go. I just don't wanna look bad.

Anyway, after mild awkward conversation they did admit they'd like that as a potential. They're a cutie.

But as you can guess, its 2am and I'm home. Nothing's wrong with that, excluding the fact that I somehow am extremely dehydrated, blurry vision, and had my day cut short at like 6pm, all because I dared to drink a small caffeinated lemonade from some burger joint... I drank SO much water, and yet the caffeine drink was potent enough to drastically dehydrate me to the point of sleeping for 3 hours, and not being able to move for another 2 and a half???????????????????

FUCK MEEEEEEEEEEE WHY IS MY LUCK SO BAD WITH CAFFEINE I JUST WANT TO HAVE ENOUGH DOPAMINE AND ENERGY TO CLEAN MY ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

Anyway that's all I feel like writing for now.

The only other thing is that I forgot to respond to this one guy who asked me out recently. Older dude, very flirty to me. Actually, there's a handful of older men I'm just not talking to right now.

Could be the migraine, could be me transitioning more and more into "either give me money or be a woman, there's no in between", could be talking to too many people at once (that's probably it), could be just that I don't tend to have much in common with, or any interest in, the lives of creepy older entitled white dudes who wanna fuck girls up to a quarter of their age....

Yeah, my brain is just moreso focused on stopping myself from pissing in garbage bags in my bedroom like a fucking Neanderthal, and enjoying the journey that is getting to know myself.

Not so much sexting some dude in his 60s for money, if I could just be playing Steam games on said laptop instead in my free time. Like, I already know the hell of someone twice my age calling me "daddy's little princess" and asking me to roleplay as some naughty (redacted since I do not want to vomit tonight) and I'd much rather spend my time staring at Pinterest, or having my clit slurped up by the dude my own age, who I am only five years apart age-gap wise, has seen me at my worst and still likes me, and who I at least recognize their abilities and they know what I desire and resent.

27 year old fuckbuddy asking me to do strange uncanny sexual things, but I've known them for 2 years and the sex is amazing>>>>strangers wanting me to agree to do the deed or sext while offering no financial incentive and also just being kinda old and ancient and rickety

I said it before and I'll say it again! If I can get more joy from the box of soup in the back of my fridge, a nice lit candle, my air conditioner on high, and all three of my vibrators lit up with a good movie on... than I would seeing or speaking to you... then maybe you're not the peace that my body needs.

My fuckbuddy (kinda) gets that. They were the first person I hit up after my breakup last year specifically since there's no games. Just "ok sure ill pick you up, what food did you want btw?" then fucking like animals.

Having my own money is nice. Since dudes absolutely hate it when not even money or desperation means they can get away with what they want. And I don't have to rely on anyone, and can have a day or nine balling out at my favorite stores and still have money leftover. Its sweet!

I could've gone to that movie alone, but the convenience of a movie buddy to talk about it with cuddling the free ticket and popcorn was tempting. I did genuinely have a nice time last night though, and this morning.

It's a shame my random caffeine headache ruined the second half of the evening for me, but let's hope it resolves itself. Peace out yalls, cya. :D bye