You know, I am sitting here, just thinking, maybe I never deserved anything other than the narcissist I was married to, but kinda still am, because she keeps coming fraud in my name. Anyways, that not the point of this post.

The point of this post, is looking back and realizing, maybe the one that treated me so poorly all these years, was all I ever deserved. It kinda hurts thinking through that. I'll be honest, even the last woman that I asked out, because I felt there was something, never really liked me. Hell, we had a second "date" scheduled and she decided to cancel about 2 hours before that scheduled time, with no reschedule. I know that's a clear sign and I'll be honest, I'm not even that upset over the whole thing. Am I upset over not getting to go out one more time? Yes, I actually had a really good time and she told me did as well, multiple times, which is why I asked her out again. Oh well.

Anyways, today, I noticed her flirting with another guy, laughing and in general looking like she was getting ready to go out this weekend with him. I'm not mad, I'm actually happy for him, if that's the full case. I mean dreadlocks aren't really my thing, but he is a decently funny guy, decent looking from a male perspective, decently built, among other things. I can honestly see why she is into him. Again, not the point of this post.

Now, for the point of this post. From the very beginning of my dating/relationship experience, I think I've been and always will be the big brother. I've never been able to enjoy a true relationship with a woman I desired. I have always been second place or the guy that is first place when the other boyfriend is a piece of garbage and needs throttled. Heck, I've even had at least two date me, just so their boyfriends could get into a fight. I don't blame those women, they honestly were in an abusive relationship and those guys needed a good seeing to, it was honestly my pleasure.

So, I don't really think I'm terrible looking and I get told I'm a really good looking man quite often and that I don't look anywhere close to my age. In fact, the woman listed above heard me say my age and trimmed to ask me to repeat it. She specifically said there is no way you are 40, I would have easily said 30. You should have seen other guys jump all over that and start flirting with her, that was hilarious. I do know my teeth aren't straight and I have no intentions of fixing that, which is probably my greatest personal looks issue. I'm not really that funny, although I get told I am. I'll admit, I'm probably terrifible in bed, because my idiot I was married too never wanted to have fun and only wanted to starfish. I often get told I'm a really good man, but it wouldn't work. What it all boils down to is, maybe I don't deserve any other woman and honestly, that's their choice and I respect that.

I think what I am mostly wondering is, why? Why do women try to date like they do? I watch them get cheated on, treated like garbage (not all, but a lot of the ones I run into have been), mocked, abused, etc. I tried so hard for 13 years to be there for my wife during that time. We'd be on a healthy diet and is come home to chip bags or entire loads of bread gone. I'd try to talk about financials and get made fun of. I could go on, but what's the point?

Whatever...

P.S. If I were to be completely honest, the thing that makes me cry and be jealous, even though I don't show it, is the fact that I don't have anyone and never have had anyone to truly love and cuddle. Even the idiot I was married to hated cuddling in bed, even though she told me she wanted to. It would always end in you're too warm, it's too hot, or I don't like sleeping on that side. I watch other happy couples, knowing they are having amazing loving sex and me, I've never had that and probably never will.