I think it’s time for me to say goodbye to the lifestyle and this chapter of my life.

I’ll always look upon my time and the people I met with great pride and gratitude. I met some truly amazing people that taught me a lot about myself and relationships. For better and for worse it’s shaped me into who I am today.

But, at the same time I feel that while I’ve learned so much in some ways it’s held me back from what I truly want, a loving relationship of my own.

In many ways the lifestyle was a safety net for me. A place I could retreat to, a fantasy world where I could escape the difficulties of building a real relationship with real connections. I think it gave me a false sense of belonging or connection. There’s been times over the years where I’ve declined time with friends or other experiences in lieu of lifestyle dates. I’ve spent time enjoying myself in sexual relationships that could never go anywhere instead of bettering myself as a person, learning to communicate and connect on a deeper level.

This past year I met an amazing woman who meant the world to me and I failed to communicate that to her. I failed to let down my guard and go beyond my comfort zone. A barrier that i learned here. It was here I learned to not allow myself to get attached, to feel like there would always be a time limit, to not connect emotionally. And though I cared for her deeply, I didn’t know how to say it, to show it, to truly be it.

If I’m going to grow as a person and be the man that I want to be, the man who can meet someone better, and become better for her, I need to let go of this part of me.

To all of those I’ve met along the way, I’m truly thankful for you all.