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4
Lil update/ramble
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tldr: I went too hard the day before after some hypnosis and needed to do some self care (while still being denied of course)

Soo yesterday (I think it's all gotten so fuzzy) I listened to the hypno file Orgasm Go Bye Bye by LilithUnleashed. I've been interested and tried hypno before but I've never felt that trance or deep relaxation. This one worked sooo well. I actually sunk into her words. I had some reasons I wanted to listen to this file.

1.Cals Curse didn't work for me. I don't know the reason why it didn't but sadly it didn't.

2.Theres something different about this recent exploration into orgasm denial. I've been into edging and stuff but always still wanted to have orgasms. I still believed that on some level I deserved it, that I could earn it from others. I've been so silly. I'm so much better edging and never orgasming. My mood is better, I'm more motivated and productive, etc... which leads me to

3.I don't want a choice. I want to give up that autonomy and not think and obey. And in that moment when her sweet words were filling up my head through my headphones on my bed, I was probably the most submissive I've ever been. Complete putty. No control. Just trust and obey.

I came out of the session in a daze the rest of the day so content and blissfull and just empty. Literally empty in my head. I did some edges at night as has become part of my routine I've created and I was a bit too rough w my dildo 😅 and I already struggle with being tight and getting sore easily so I have to take a break from vaginal stimulation but it's all okay. It wasnt until I was chatting w someone that I remembered I couldn't remember my last orgasm. I knew logically it had been a few days ago just by looking at my posts but I could not mentally remember it. I realized I could not remember what it feels like to orgasm. I know logically my cunt spasms hard and fast, that I get shivers and shake a bit but I cannot picture or really remember what that feels like. Then it hit me that that was a part of the hypnosis. To forget but not be sad, instead being so grateful that I just get to edge and be horny. That I should beg not to cum when given to opportunity.

Anyway I was feeling a little low this morning (I think just from the high of the day before) and realized that I've been so exhausted I haven't been caring/comforting myself properly so I tried to remedy that today. I'm still horny but it's a very very low kind of buzz that can grow louder if I feed it material. I just tried to enjoy dinner and time with my family for the most part.

One of the best parts so far is my brain making up fantasies of how I'd love to dominated but interacting with communities while in denial has made me understand that I like being a domme as well 😉 but its kind of hard because my brain keeps flip flopping from both mindsets. I think that plus the less sleep I've been getting is giving me headaches haha. I used this to my advantage and made the messages that show when I complete my daily tasks say filthy things that make me feel so subby.

Anywhooo I'm off to dreamland where I'll probably wake up super turned on.

cheers<3

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5 months ago