I feel so UNwanted.

UNattractive.

UNdesired.

Sad, I know. But still. This shit hurts. Going out and seeing good looking men, and experiencing instances where they're at their most attractive, moments where a carnal urge of desire is present and for them...yet I know that moment has never occured for me. Not in a public area, a club, a bar, a social gathering. That's for other men. Not me.

I think back to when I thought I was straight. Compulsory heterosexuality was major, and even then, I was UNdesired by girls. Only to eventually discover my gayness. Yet nothing changed. To feel unattractive. Yes, it's one thing and can be disproven or dealt with. But to have it evidenced time and time again. Always the wingman. Always the friend and keeper of secret desires of others, never toward myself. Always the confidant. Friend. Listener. Matchmaker. Never the match itself.

Fuck having a partner, a boyfriend, an option even. Don't even get that far. 've got to be liked first. Be drawn towards first. Never that.

But the sad part is, in the moments where I am not desired but what I can do bodily for others, in the sexual carnage place. THAT place, the only place desire has and can be felt. I would and could say "up until now." Yet that provides a glimpse of hope. And let's be honest, hope is merely a platform from which to fall, once let down and disappointed yet again and again.

So I watch and admire from afar. What it must feel like to be desired. Wanted. Cherished even.

.fin