So...prettt sure no one's gonna read this, but, I figured out with the help of my therapist that I'm not ugly. For context, for years I've felt extremely unattractive. I'd get on Grindr and have dudes ghost me or block me after I sent a face pic. Never get matches on tinder. And I've never dated and never been complemented by dudes much in general, and not even looked at in a sexual manner. But after analyzing things further, I'm actually good looking (moreso cute than hot but still a win). So my self confidence has been high and it's honestly never been high when it comes to my looks.

This was last week. I'm still feeling good about my appearance, but my gay friend (the one who wants to be FWB educationally and take my virginity) told me how he's now on tinder. And I saw that he has hella matches. Like 20 and he's been on there for like 2-3 days and the dudes are good looking, some are fine. And it hurt my self esteem a bit bc like...I've never had that. Grant it his bio is a bit longer than I've ever had it but he's also extremely good looking. So, it just hurt a little. Considered getting on tinder myself but, I already know I probably won't get matches, but it'd definitely hurt worse seeing that become a reality.

So yeah. My confidence in my appearance is higher than it's ever been but it's been in the basement for so long, it didn't have far to go to be high but I'll take it as a win. Still working on it though bc I still don't feel 100% confident. Plus I still feel bad about being gay. But I'm making progress.

And in case anyone was wondering (if you read this far and care) I am still thinking about maybe letting him take my virginity. But I have blown him.

Goodnight.