I have relationship problems with my GF. She was physically abused by her parents and has trauma related to touch. She has trouble doing such basic things as holding hands or hugging. She is terrified of a lot of small things. We've been dating for 4 months and we haven't even kissed yet. We do love each other a lot though. 0% sex but 100% emotional closeness. Physical closeness is appearing veeeeeery slowly but she is warming up to me. We spend a lot of time together and now cuddle every once in a while.

I want us to have a healthy relationship so my dumbass saw an advertisement and had an idea.

"Neo Tanta group practice. Waves of love"

"Integrate sexuality and spirituality into your life"

"Increase awareness of your own body"

"It will allow you to relax and give you confidence"

"Break societal and cultural stigma around sex and express your individuality"

"blah blah blah"

"25$"

I saw this and said: "Huh this might be exactly what we need! This will be good for both of us. I wonder what will she think of this. This might just be the thing that will advance our relationship to the next level. But knowing her there's like a 90% chance that she will decline the offer." I asked the host how hard will this be for us and they said that it is a practice for beginners and there is nothing to be afraid of... (foreshadowing)

I suggested the idea to my GF and after a lot of thinking about it, she said no. I get it, and in retrospective I'm so glad that she didn't go.

I, however, was curious and decided to check it out. While I'm much more open than my GF, I'm still a pent up, shy, introverted, nervous virgin, and also, asexual (or so I thought). "This will be good for me", I said. I'm a bit scared but I'm ready to try new things.

I expected it to be a controlled environment with meditative practices, strict rules for what to do and what not to do, a relaxing time, a safe space...

...it was an orgy without sex...

Exercise 1: Stand in a circular "conga line" and massage the person in front of you. The host gave us detailed direction on what to do. 15 minutes

Exercise 2: Wave motions. We just stood and imitated waves with different parts of our body. Legs, Pelvis, Chest, Shoulders, Head ect. imagine that you're on a surf board and following the waves. It also ended with us making a lot of sound with our throats. The whole group was practically screaming and singing at the end. it was electric :D 30-45 minutes.

Exercise 3: We split into 2 groups. 7 men and 7 women. Group A puts on a blindfold and stands. Their task is to be as elastic as possible. Group B goes around the room and freely bends the bodies of the participants in a wavy motion. It's also nearly pitch black in there. 20-30 minutes for each group. Main rule: don't touch the genitals.

Exercise 4: We split into groups of 3. One person puts on a blindfold and lays on their back. The other two massage their whole body in wavy motions. 10 minutes per person. Again, don't touch the genitals.

You might read this and say "this doesn't sound too bad"... By the end of the evening I had 2 woman laying on top of me and the three of us moaning! I think I had some form of an orgasm.

2 people have left out of fear when Exercise 3 started. 2 people refused to participate in Exercise 4 but stayed to watch. It all started innocently. Here's how Exercise 2 went.

I stand blindfolded.

Someone gently touches my hand. "that feels nice"

Someone else touches my shoulders. "nice"

Someone touches my face. "...? oh"

Someone embraces me in a tight hug and dances a little bit. "oh wow"

Someone breathes loudly into my neck "o_O"

Her hair wrapping my face and her scent filling my nose "What is going on! Aaahh!"

Someone tightly wraps me from behind with both her hands and legs and bends me forwards and backwards, forcing me to balance myself on top of them and balance them on top of me. "Craygasm"

Someone walks to me straight and touched my face with both their hands while slowly going lower and lower but still returning to my face.

I was bent and played with like a doll.

The longer it continued the hotter it got. Moaning and laughter filled the room. Sweaty aroused bodies. Just 10 Strangers pleasuring each other.

When we switched roles and it was my turn to go around I got into the groove surprisingly quickly. All fear was gone and my mind went blank. I didn't know that I was capable of doing what I did that night. Touch one girl, touch another, make them quiver, brush my hands against their legs and arms, brush my face against their bellies and necks, put their arms around me, make them go crazy, synchronize our bodies, move the hips. I look around and I see some pairs even laying on the ground and everybody doing progressively more erotic things.

Exercise ends. Snap back to reality

...

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! Was that even me? Did I just do all that? H.. HOW?

Exercise 4 was even hotter.

As I lay on the ground with a blindfold on, 2 girls touch every inch of my body. (except the genitals, but does it even matter at that point) They started slowly but as you might guess already it got out of control pretty quickly. More pressure, more energy, more moaning. My mind goes blank, my fingers feel tingly, I have a strong erection, my lips go numb, my spine reflexively bends, I shake, I moan, the girl gets on top of me and starts using her whole body.

When it was my turn I performed just as well. (I am terrified of myself) I might be wrong but I think the girl came. The other girl started crying in the process, then calmed down and when it was over thanked us both for our unconditional love and kindness.

(what the fuck)

it is over...

The host tells me that I did very good for a first-timer...

I got invited to the next session for "advanced users"...

I go home...

I lay in bed...

"Did all of that just happen? Was this all a very hot dream? No, unfortunately it wasn't"

I couldn't fall asleep until 3am. Also since recently I now don't masturbate out of principal, it was extra difficult for me that night. I had bluest blue balls.

By this point you might have forgotten but I have a girlfriend. Oh my god what have I done! I wanted to drag her into THIS???!!! She would've fainted! This could've damaged her beyond mending. I think it damaged ME beyond mending. Did I just accidentally cheat on my first true love with 7 other woman in 4 hours??? How do I live with that now??? I think I'm permanently fucked up now.

I will repeat it to you. I didn't know what I was getting into and the ad made it feel mild and comfortable. The host also reassured me that it is mild and comfortable. It started as mild and comfortable, and before I knew it, it got fucked up and ugly.

To add insult to injury, I had a date planned with my girlfriend the next day. I didn't know what to do with all those new feelings, so during our dinner I told her about what happened. We don't hide anything from each other in our relationship. And to my surprise she was very chill about it. She did feel some discomfort at times, but as we talked we laughed at this whole situation. She was just glad that she didn't have to go through all this. But I can't help but think if she doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation or if she actually chill about it. To check I asked her directly.

-"Why are you so fine about it? Don't you mind that I touched and was touched by like 10 other people?"

-"No, why would I be? It's not like it was sex"

-"Really? Umm. You sure? So you don't mind if I'll go there again?"

-"Pfft ha-ha-ha! You want to? Yeah I don't mind"

-"Don't answer so fast, just think about it for a bit, are you REALLY okay with that?"

-"Yes, {name}, I am okay with that."

The date continued, it went well. I actually talked to her a lot more openly that evening. Unsurprisingly, we talked about touch and feelings quite a bit. I walked her home, we planned our next date, hugged, said some nice things to each other, and went our ways.

I am now debating If I should actually go there again. I hate to admit it, but I liked it. It was TERRIFYING, it was EXHILIRATING, it was FANTASTIC, it was HORRIBLE, it was DELIGHTFUL. I never knew that all that sexuality was inside me and that I'm capable of expressing myself so openly. In just 4 hours I turned from a closed off introvert into a man who can please 7 people at the same time. (once again, what the fuck) I want to continue just to know what else I'm capable of. And I also never in my life felt so unconditionally loved. Everyone was just making everyone else feel joy. I didn't realize how much I craved that.

On the contrary. What will this do to my relationship? What will this do to me as a person? What will this do to my mental health? What will this do to my manliness? If it feels good, it doesn't mean it's actually good. It feels good to eat burritos but it doesn't mean I should eat burritos every single day. Same goes for smoking. You get the point.

If a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.

I'm sort of lost on what to do now. Life will not be the same after that day. If you have anything to say, please do.