I'm taking a sober day this week, just wanted to journal my thoughts.

I'm probably what you call a functional alcoholic, able to hold down a job, make pretty good money, make my fiance happy, all while finishing up my college degree. I'm able to work on and attain ambitious goals, I have interests outside of work and family, and I have big plans for me and my family that are within my reach.

And I've drank nearly every day for the past 4 years, and quite often for at least 2 years before that. I drank much less in my college years than I do now. These days, I'm hitting around 300-400ml of hard liquor a day. Most times I didn't drink, it was just circumstantial: no drinks in the house and too late to buy them; another time, I was stuck in Istanbul for a week and couldn't find decent alcohol for the life of me.

Now's around the time I bring out the bottle. I'm finding that I'm walking to the fridge and looking inside frequently, even though that's not where we keep the alcohol; am I trying to fill the calorie deficit left by the alcohol? 400ml of cognac is probably around 1000 cal; how the hell is my belly so small? The anxiety is creeping ever upwards, and my mind is racing as it usual does.

That's one of the reasons I drink, to silence my mind for a bit, or maybe I'm just slowing it down. I work evenings usually, always remotely for the past 5 years. By about 9-10pm, I'm not able to get anything productive done unless I start sipping on a tumbler, especially if there's a lot of noise in the house. When I finish work I keep drinking while I'm watching something, or maybe doing some personal errands. Eventually, I'm tired enough to want to go to bed.

Right now, I don't know what to do with myself. I should sit down to read, or go to bed, or maybe flip open my calm app and try meditating, but I can't tone the anxiety down enough. Every little noise is irritating me.

Just some thoughts, I'll probably keep lurking and post again eventually. I'm likely going to drink tomorrow, but reading all these stories about organ failure is making me start to think.