Hi everyone!

I'm (28) no longer in stepparenting relationship but trying to move past my breakup to ex-SO (33) and his now 3-year-old son. I hope it's okay that I'm still posting—I'm trying to move on and heal from this breakup but it's one of the hardest things I've ever experienced... even though I was the one to end the relationship. We were together for 2 years, I began having doubts about 10 months in. There were a few red flags, but SO and I were very much in love and adapted to try to better one another. I tried so hard to overcome my doubts, read every book and article about stepparenting, and threw myself into the bonus parent role while still maintaining my own life and interests. But those doubts eventually got the best of me and I ended up ending the relationship, hoping that either A) A break would help us and we would reunite as better, more independent people or B) We actually would be happier without one another and we would eventually get over one another and be better people for it.

It's been almost months since we parted ways and I'm experiencing doubt about my choice to end the relationship, but I don't want to ever reach out unless I'm a 100% that this is the relationship for me—and when I imagine doing that, the doubt about our relationship stepparenting comes flooding back.

I've been worried lately that I'm just a doubtful person, that I have fear about lots of things, and that this will hold me back from future loving relationships. Many of my friends say things like "I had no doubts about marrying my husband" and I wonder if this will ever be me. Or maybe I should have worked through my doubts with SO. (Obviously I can't go back, but a lesson for the future.)

I know this isn't stepparenting "per se" but I'm just trying to get a handle on doubt and regret and would love some outside perspective. I literally can't stop thinking about him and questioning my choice... But I don't want to hurt him by reaching out and sharing these feelings. Is this a sign that I made a mistake in ending the relationship? Or is this normal? And if it is, any good self-care techniques to healing forma break-up? Thank you so much for reading.

EDIT: Here were my doubts..

• He was upset when I didn't want to move in after 6 months and this caused some friction. Throughout the rest of our relationship, we had ups and downs because I didn't want to move in and he thought it was because I was afraid to commit. I didn't want to move in because he lived far from my job, I wasn't ready to live with a baby, and I wanted to have my own space. I think he saw this as having "one foot out the door."
• When we went back to visit our families, he sort of checked out of "Dad-ing" and let his son run wild. I got a bit resentful because I went from having total freedom when on vacation to tending to a babe. He's a great kid, but a lot of work! And I guess this applies to other areas life and not just vacation... there were days I wanted to read and relax and do my own thing and not be on "mom duty." EDIT: It wasn't like my ex expected this, I just took on those responsibilities to help him, and then I think he got upset when I chose NOT to do them.
• He used to tease me a lot and say that feelings weren't valid. I would get so emotional and upset and it would take us having LONG conversations to reach a conclusion where we felt we were both heard. This changed as our relationship went on, and got a lot better, but I had trouble letting it go. Some of my friends have even mentioned they didn't always like how he talked to me.
• Our best friends used to be married and recently divorced-- he took his best friend's side and I took mine. I know this may sound stupid, but my friend's ex husband basically emotionally abandoned her when her dad got cancer. It's way more complicated than that (she has her failings too), but it so bothered me that and felt like a huge red flag that my SO didn't see how hurtful his best friend was being.
• I sometimes felt nervous / apprehension when we did "family" stuff... He lives in the suburbs and I don't like them, so doing things like bedtime stories or going to the same chain restaurants over and over again bored me.
• I love to travel. Originally, I was fine with being with a man with less freedom... Given that I could still travel if I wanted to... at least until we get married. But SO didn't like this—he said his son needed a constant presence in his life. When we split, SO took this back and said he had been too controlling, and he forgot that I'm not his kid's mom, and that I should be able to pursue my dreams, follow my passions, travel if that's what makes me happy. At that point I was too emotional from the breakup to comprehend whether he was being honest or not so I still didn't want to get back together. But SO was also trying to build a life so that we (as a family and a couple) could travel. He has a great job, was trying to fly his mom out to babysit so that he could come see one of my plays in NYC...
• I'm was scared about some stuff with SS. Like, what if he hates me when he gets older? What if BM makes my life hell, and SO and I don't have freedom over where we chose to live? Basically I was just worried that I couldn't stepmom and be happy doing it.

TL/DR; Can't stop thinking about my ex and wondering when to trust doubtful feelings.

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