I (27) post on here a lot because my relationship with SO(33) and SS (3) has been so difficult over the past few months and I feel like I'm losing myself/losing my mind. Basically we fought from Sep-Dec. 2017 about me moving in (I wasn't ready) and drama with HCBM was very high (he was still doing her favors). In January 2018 I was considering ending the relationship when he lost his job and I couldn't bear to do it. He was really moody and depressed before this I stuck around/we went to therapy, etc, etc... We stayed together and he got an AMAZING position that he loves in June. Since then, it's been a whirlwind of difference in his behavior.

Except I still have my doubts. So much that I was waking up in the middle of the night, it was the first thing I thought of in the AM. I couldn't be around him without guilt. I was imagining a fantasy life with a childless man. The doubts are that: stepping will suck and I won't be able to handle it. A gut feeling that went against my heart.

Yesterday he spent the day taking me car shopping/was a total sweetheart and I couldn't let myself act like everything was normal-- I told him I had these doubts and that they were eating at me and I didn't know what to do. That it seemed like the best thing (for both of our sakes) was to take a solid break. He agreed and told me to take as much as I could carry and leave the next morning before SS woke up. I did and now I'm back at my apartment and full of guilt/sadness/remorse. I miss SS. We were supposed to get pancakes today and I feel absolutely-freaking-awful.

One of the things he said to me was, "I feel like you're leaving just as things are getting good," and "you're taking the easy way out. We agreed this would be hard but we would push through. I don't have much respect for people who take the easy way out."

He cried, I cried. I know well enough to try to commit to my decision but I can't help but already regret it. What if I DID leave right before the light at the end of the tunnel? All I know is that those fears and doubts were real and I can't be with him if I'm so scared. It isn't fair.

TL;DR: broke up with SO, feeling guilty and unsure of decision.

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