I (27) feel like something is wrong with me. I wanted to make this anonymous at first but I figured people on here should at least know some of my backstory.

I’ve been waking up every day with anxiety. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and my first feelings are that I need to decide what to do about SO (33) and I's relationship (we've been official for 1.5 years, dating for 2). I feel guilt that SO is so convinced I’m the one while I am incredibly doubtful. I feel guilt for having such a beautiful bond with SS (3).

I’ve never felt this alone in my entire life because no one can get inside my head and actually understand the conflict that is happening. I have a therapist but that’s only an hour of clarity a week, my mom lives 5000 miles away, and my friends don’t get it.

I’m wondering if this is all my fault. That I’m not grateful enough or that I’m too fearful and that’s eating at something in me. I go onto these message boards often and I see so many women saying “If I knew then what I knew now, I wouldn’t have…” I’m so afraid that by stepping I'm making a huge life error but I love SO. I don't know if it's guilt, or fear...

We’ve been together for a almost 2 years. The first 9 months were amazing and then things got hard. You guys can see my post history… I came here a lot with questions and fears. I had a lot of doubt and a lot of love. That is the story of this relationship.

Over the past two months, SO got an amazing job that he loves, has stopped teasing me, started taking more care of his house, and has corrected nearly every complaint I had with him. Child support hearing went well and because HCBM is on welfare and he already pays childcare, and insurance, he barely has to pay a dime. He even started getting up early and doing yoga with me. WTF? This behavior should make me ecstatic and it’s making me anxious. I love him, but I can’t help but wonder if life will be easier with another man without children. I think it’s just getting so much more real that I’m terrified.

And if that’s the case, I don’t even know how to BEGIN to leave. I love both of these dudes! When I’m not with SO, I miss him terribly. I want to text him every morning and call him every night when we’re not together. This is the worst, most complicated feeling I’ve ever experienced. How do I explain to a man who I adore that despite him being wonderful, and trying, and despite us being in love, that I just can’t handle it? It will destroy him. How can I destroy the person I love? I hate myself right now. One of my ex crushes texted me out of the blue and I thought about how much easier it would be if I was dating a man without kids. It was almost easier when we were fighting all the time because at least then I thought the relationship wasn’t working out because we weren’t compatible. Now I think it’s not working out because of ME.

I wanted to be a stepmom. I thought I would be good at it. I want to be able to do this without fear or doubt. But I can’t—it’s eating me and I’m terrified.

In two weeks, I'm going to the city in that I used to live in to go camping with my good girlfriend (EDIT here). I'll also see my old roommates, one of whom is the crush I mentioned and I'm nervous it's going to highlight these feelings. PLEASE be kind, I'm not gonna cheat on my SO or anything I just want to be totally honest. (EDIT: crush won’t be on camping trip, just in the same city.)

How do we do this? How do we stay? How do we leave? I thought I would be able to act on my intuition—but I don’t even feel like I can access it anymore. I’m afraid the universe/God/karma/whatever is going to punish me for hurting SO and SS. It’s so so bad, guys. I feel like I’m drowning. I wish I could press a “switch” button in my brain and I just can’t do it.

Is there any hope for this? I really love him and there are a million reasons why I want to be with him... but this doubt is insane. I totally get why people say "they choose this life." Are there any success stories/is there anything good??

TL/DR; Hitting a breaking point and I'm lost, alone, and scared.