I’m in a dark place and I’m stuck. I’ve been waking up the past few mornings totally depressed and anxious, feeling like there’s no hope for me and my relationship, for my career, life in general. (I’m not having self-harming thoughts, I’m just really sad.) I don’t like the city I live in and I don’t know if I like my career. I haven’t made the time to work on any art projects. I’m struggling financially. And my inner critic is off the charts, telling me I’m not good enough on so many different levels. 

I spend about 3-4 days a week at SO’s house. We’ve been fighting a LOT lately and I’ve been wondering if I’ve been having doubts for nearly  a year… but something has always kept me in. I love him, when things are good they’re great, he helps me with my anxiety, etc. But I worry so much about stepping. Sometimes it feels like he only loves part of me, the part of me that could be a stepmom to his 3 year old son. 

I am 27, SO is 33. We’ve been together for 1.5 years, dating for almost 2. I get along well with potential SS 3, but lately he has been sassier toward me and I find myself growing fearful and resentful. BM is a mooch who won’t work and tries everything she can to milk SO for all he’s worth (SO has a very high paying job) and pawn off as much time with SS as she can. SO and BM are currently in a child support settlement and a custody battle—he is going for full legal and full primary. 

I had a play reading in NYC this fall and and my best friend's wedding in VA a few days before… I wanted to bring SO and possibly SS back with me and SO shared w/ me that his limitations might prevent him from going back for that whole time. (He can take remote days for work, so it’s only splitting custody that is the obstacle.) 

Ivy doubts have made SO feel as though he’s walking on eggshells. We are both constantly on the defensive. These days, so many of our conversations turn into a “what did you mean by that?”

I’m terrified to leave and I’m scared to stay. I don’t know how to leave. He has promised me over and over “There’s nothing we can’t fix” and wants badly to make this relationship work. We share longterm goals, values, and sexual chemistry.

But some days, the drama… it no longer feels worth it. I don’t feel like myself (though this is a reoccurring pattern, I have a history with mental illness.) And then I’ll spend 3-4 days away from SO, trying to take some time for myself, and I always miss him. In fact, the other day we were saying  the we missed “us”, the couple we used to be. Things used to be magical and fun—we had problems, but we weren’t constantly down each other’s throats. I am so sad and fearful over the idea of leaving him. I don't want to, but sometimes I do feel like it's the right choice.

My therapist says to take some of the pressure off myself, and to work on staying authentically me. To practice my own voice both in art and my conversations with SO. That’s helping. 

Maybe I’m mostly venting, though advice welcomed. This potential stepping thing can be really hard on top of being 27 and not thinking anything I do is the right move and feeling stuck both in love and in life. 

TL;DR: Feeling lost and stuck  in my relationship, and maybe life in general.