Ok, ya'll, I could really use your help. I've been struggling with a shopping addiction that has gone on for years. I didn't recognize it for what it was until a few months ago. Until then I had a myriad of excuses: projects, presents, deals, collections...I'm sure there are more I'm not thinking of at the moment. Craigslist, Marketplace, online auctions...I've searched them all continually for the high of gaining an item at lower amount than it's worth. Do I need all of this? No. What are my motivations...well my love language is gift giving, and I was also emotionally neglected as a child. I've tried to fill the void with small gifts I give to myself that give me that boost of serotonin when you return home to find a package on your front door. Sometimes it would be just to snag the item right in the final seconds of bidding. I kid myself with reasonings like "oh I plan to give this away;" without follow-through.

The last 9 months I have been addicted to an online auction site, buying jewelry. I've spent hundreds of dollars, had remorse, and told my partner (together for 2.5 years). His solution: delete your account, don't go on the site. Seems practical, and yet I've deleted and created 3 additional accounts since then. I went so far as to find other addresses to send my items to so that he wouldn't know I was still making purchases. This time though, it almost cost me everything. I thought I had been ok, thinking "oh I just got paid, I can go ahead and purchase a few things," and in a matter of days my rent money was gone. I had nothing left.

At this realization I was in crisis mode and trying to figure every which-way to be able to salvage anything from this. There was no option of cancelling purchases or making returns. I had to borrow money from an emergency account I have. On top of that, I lied to my partner twice in a matter of days. He saw me on the site and asked if I was still using it. I told him vaguely that I was "just looking things up." He trusted me, and didn't push. Then he sent me money and said "don't forget rent today." I replied that it wouldn't be a problem.

Last night, upon the discovery of more hidden purchases, and subsequent questioning of them, I couldn't hold it in. I shamefully told him that I'd not paid rent, that I couldn't pay rent until the next day when I had emergency funds. Then, I told him I'd lied, straight to his face, not once but twice. I can't explain the amount of guilt and shame and sorrow. How could I get this low?

We are still discussing repercussions, and this could very well be the straw that breaks the camel's back. However, I still need to learn how to get this under control. No amount of reasoning has been able to dissuade me from making new accounts, and I can't even be sure that this experience is devastating enough to keep me from being here again. I've thought about getting pre-paid cards and when money is out, it's out. I've thought about putting parent controls on my phone so I cannot access these sites. I've told my therapist, who was rather blasé about it all. I really need help here, I make budgets each month but I'm never able to stick to them. What have ya'll found to be beneficial long-term? How can I turn this around?

This is the result of 5 1/2 hours going through the hundreds of dollars spent on jewelry in the last 9 months. I wouldn’t have even got this far if not for my partner. I just hope I don’t turn to resentment later. Thank you all for your kind words.